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You

you know what’s fucked up?that you can be without someone for six months, a year, five years and have mastered not thinking about them, but no matter how much time passes there will always be that moment where you see a photo of them or catch a little of their cologne on a crowded street and suddenly you’re plagued with a rapidly sinking stomach and the relentless question, “what if things were done differently?”.


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Tu sais je vais t’aimer 

11.5.2016 at 7.30pm

This day last year 

Exactly 1 year today

He came to pick me up at 7.30pm

We were texting for a few days before that. We decided to meet.

We both dressed in black 

He wore his black shirt

My favourite shirt of all 

I wore one of my black dresses

It was drizzling

We had cocktails and food at Bedford in Ponsonby 

I think he fell for me right on that first date 

He asked if he could see me again

I said I’d love too…


It was the beginning of our story

A short story 

Too short.

The ending came so suddenly 

I wasn’t ready for it

I never was

I never had

It was my fault

Not everything but yes, the main part, the main reason why we’re apart
I still miss him

Sometimes I wonder 

If he has succeeded at erasing me completely from his mind 

He should have 

He must have 


This day last year 

One year later 

I’m still alone

But this time

I’m alone with the ghost of him

The ghost of the man who once loved me deeply

I was out tonight

I was glad that I wasn’t staying home, being haunted by all the memories of the night we first met 

I looked at my watch at 7.30pm

Recalling the moment he got out of his car and we first greeted 

Everything is still so clear in my mind

In that moment

I could never have known 

It was him

It was always him

And it will always be him
Now he’s gone

I’m not sure where I will be, what I will be doing, who I will be with this time next year

I don’t know

I can’t know

I don’t have any expectations or hopes 


I’m missing you tonight 

You may not remember 

This night last year 

The first time we met 

The first time we talked

The first time we laughed at each other’s jokes

Everything belongs to the past now

They only live in my memory 
I hope you’re happy

I hope you meet the one who deserves your love

I didn’t realise I was loving you that much until it was too late

And I chose to stay away so that you could forget me, move on and be happy

I miss you 

A little too much

Tonight

11.35pm

… 

Tu sais je vais t’aimer

Même sans ta presence

Je vais t’aimer

Même sans espérance

Je vais t’aimer

Tous les jours de ma vie

https://youtu.be/YzjZXKzGxTU


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I will remember 

“I will remember the kisses

our lips raw with love

and how you gave me 
everything 

you had

and how I 
offered you 

what was left of 
me,

and I will remember 

your small room

the feel of you

the light in the window

your records

your books

our morning coffee

our noons 

our nights

our bodies spilled together

sleeping 
the tiny flowing currents

immediate 

and forever

your leg 

my leg

your arm 

my arm

your smile 

and the warmth 
of you

who made me laugh 
again.”

– Charles Bukowski –

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The Answers

In millions of questions I want to ask in that brief moment when my whole life flashes back in front of me, would I be asking the same questions like the guy did in the movie? Would I be scared of asking about the person who’s most right for me in the whole universe or any universes there’ll ever be? Would I be afraid to ask because deep down I already know the answer and the answer scares me because I’d never have a second chance to reunite with that person ever?

When was the happiest moment of my life?

Will it be:

Walking on the beach on a beautiful day with the sun, the sand, the wind and my soul singing?

Being with dear friends, drinking, dancing, living our young days to the fullest?

The moment of realisation and appreciation that I’m doing a job that is actually meaningful?

Holding my child for the first time?

Lying on bed next to him, listening to our favourite songs in a lazy morning, loving and trusting, knowing that I’m loved and protected, seeing him smile with my silly jokes and the world out there no longer matters?

“One day,

whether you are 14, 28 or 65,

you will stumble upon someone

who will start a fire in you

that cannot die.

However,

the saddest, most awful truth

you will ever come to find –

is they are not always

with whom we spend our lives”.

  • Beau Taplin, Hunting Season
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That night in the alleyway 

One night, I realised that we’re now too far away from each other and I got so sad because I know we’ll be lost and we’ll never find the way to go back to each other…

I saw you in the alleyway the other night. I was out with my girlfriends. We had dinner at a Mexican place near your apartment. I was so sure it was you at the time. We walked on opposite directions and I dared not look because I was scared that you would look at me too and walk away so I chose to look away and pretend to talk to my friends. And now I am not sure if it was you or just a person on the street that I mistook as you. I regretted that I didn’t look more carefully to see if it was really you so now I don’t have to deal with such confusion in my mind.

Was that you that night on the street? Did you see me? Was you sad that we’re apart?

9.1.17

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Us holding hands

Stronger than words. I miss the nights we sat on your couch watching movies holding hands. I miss your hands. I miss your big thumb nails and how perfectly my small hands fitted into your palms.

I still remember how it felt. One day I’ll have to forget all about this. I never want to. I wish we were still together. It’s cold and I wish you were with me and warm me up.

Stronger than words. I know I’d never see you again. I miss you and us holding hands. I love you. Perhaps you never realised but I always do. I wish things went a different way. I wish I wasn’t so wrong. It’s too late for anything to be said or done. I just really miss the warmth you gave me, the sense of complete protection you always made me feel.

It felt like home to me, somewhere I belong, somewhere my soul is accepted and understood.