“I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.”– Unknown –
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. I’m lying here with the phone in my hand and my mind is messed up with hundred if questions I couldn’t answer. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life here. I don’t know if I’m happy or miserable. I feel like I don’t feel anymore. I don’t know what stage in life I have reached. I don’t know if I’m in love or I’m pushing myself into it unconsciously and involuntarily.
I feel like a fool. Oh, I’ve been a fool before and got my heart broken but it was different to this time. I’m 23 and still dreaming that Prince Charming exists. Ha, it’s hilarious, you must think. Life is not a fairy tale and thing that disappoints me the most was that the more I tried to be faithful and honest, the more ridiculous the situation became. So, what’s the fucking point of keeping trying when you already know that it’s not gonna work? Maybe deep inside me, I still have that little hope fairy takes can happen, one day, to the ones who wait long enough. Am I wrong here? They never happen, don’t they? And they never have anyway.
Look back at everything that has happened lately, I realized that maybe everything I think and feel is just illusion. I deluded myself into a fantasy world where love and faithfulness exist. Sometimes I ask myself if what I’m getting out of this relationship worth my effort, my time and even my tears. I shouldn’t have cried that much. I should have been more happy and enjoy these years of youth without having to worry about anything. Yes, I feel like a fool right now for always being nice and caring. I should have been a careless reckless bitch and got the best man in this whole fucking world. But I preferred to be nice and see what I’ve got? Nothing but disappointment and lies.
Lying here tonight looking back at my life, u questioned myself where all my dreams have gone? Where did they go? Did they just evaporate and disappear into nothing? My beautiful endless dreams I once had and now I’m not dreaming anymore. I used to draw, and sing, and read all the time and what I’m doing right now? I’m doing nothing that makes me happy.
What am I afraid of? Life happens everyday and sometimes shit happens too. I’ve always tried to be positive and always looked at the bright side of things but then I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being lonely, of being left out, of being forgotten and unloved. Are they the reasons I’ve always chased after things I don’t actually want? Because I’m afraid of loneliness? What can a 23-year-old girl in my situation do? I don’t know. There’s not a single clue.
I once wrote on a friend’s FB page on his birthday to wish his nice life with adventures and told him to live his life to the fullest. That’s what I always want to do too: living my life to the fullest. And now, after everything that happened, I don’t see any destination I wanna go to. I no longer see myself as a girl with songs and flowers in her heart and stars in her eyes. I thought it was a part of growing up but then I realize it wasn’t. I’ve just been so wrong and blind that I didn’t see my path in life, the path that I want to go, not the one I’m destined to.
Maybe I need sometime off and think about what to do next. I’m exhausted. But people say life is good and this little hope in me will never die. I believe in tomorrow. I believe one day I’ll be love truly and wholeheartedly. I still believe so.
Don’t be afraid, little girl! You’ll be fine. Live the life you want the way you want.
Life is too short to be heartbroken for so long.
If you need to move on, do it. It’s not your fault if people lie to you or betray you. One day, you’ll find someone you can trust and love forever.
And live your life to the fullest. When I’m old and grey, I want to look back at my life and smile because I know that I’ve had a life worth living.
What are you afraid of?
Night. Listening to Coeur de Pirate. Blogging. Life of a 22 year-old single girl. I kind of hate this loneliness sometimes but honestly, I’m quite comfortable in my little nest so I do not want to change or share it with anybody. Perhaps one day but not today. Not tomorrow either. Curling up in bed. Rolling to my left then my right. This bed is mine. All mine. It feels great to stay with someone on it so we can talk, laugh and fall asleep together. But also it feels great to have it all for myself. I can do whatever I want. I can stay up till 3 o’clock in the morning, doing nothing or simply listening to music and tidying up my Pinterest boards or Tumblr. No one is gonna ask me to go to sleep. No one is gonna complain if I leave the light on all night. Living on my own for quite a while, I learnt to make friend with myself. To me, it’s the easiest way to erase all the possible loneliness or sadness that can suddenly appear to a single person. Am I doing it right? Or am I only trying to run away from the reality that I’m having no one to share my life with? Oh, for fuck sake. I’m happy as fuck and I don’t care if I’m single or taken. People love me. Some don’t like me so much but I’m not giving a damn. I’m doing what I want. I have something in life to reach for and my life isn’t completely meaningless even though sometimes I’m still confused when it comes to the question “Why are we here? What are we supposed to do?”. “Calm the fck down. Relax”. Thats what I often say to myself. I overthink too much. It’s one of my weaknesses. Overthinking -> Worrying -> Depression. Awwww, never mind.
I talked to my sister on Skype today and I wanted to go to Sweden to see her so bad. I searched online for cheap tickets to Stockholm or some nearby cities in Europe so that my uncle can come to pick me up from there but all the return tickets are approximately NZD$2000 or over so I sighed and gave up looking for it. I may go to see Thailand at the end of the year on the way home to Vietnam. Hopefully I can save up some money for the holiday. I haven’t had a holiday for so long and I desperately need one.
What do I wanna be in 5 years?
Or simply just healthy and happy to enjoy life.
I still have so many things to do, so many plans to complete, so many adventures to take. Life is exciting and I can never know what’s waiting for me around the corner. Traveling. Meeting people. Finding the inner peace. Finding love.
So next destination will be Thailand.
After Thailand will be Vietnam.
Europe in 3 years or whenever after I finish my uni.
Australia in between maybe.
I’ve never been a real traveller. I can count the times I’ve been on planes with one hand. No toes or extra fingers needed. But I will go, for sure. This is an appropriate context to use the term YOLO. It’s overused sometimes but because You Only Live Once so… Why not?
The less fuck you give, the happier you’ll be.
Fuck you, you fucking fuck.
Fuck the fuck off.
I had enough. I will live my life the way I want, for me.
And I don’t care.
Vas te faire encule!!!
I’m leaning French because I’m gonna make it to Paris one day and become a charming sexy mademoiselle. Why not? 🙂
I can’t sleep. I really want to but my mind doesn’t obey me. I told him today that we should stop seeing each other. He had nothing to say. Fair enough. If I were him, I wouldn’t know what to say either. This morning he texted me and told me to take this Friday off so we can hang out for the day, go and do stuff. It sounds like what normal couples usually do, doesn’t it? I used to wish he asked me out for the day so we could do things together: going to the beach, enjoying the sun, talking to each other. It’s too late now.
Messages were sent.
Everything I always wanted to let him know was said.
He did not say anything. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I feel like I’ve just lost something precious. It’s so sad that I did not take the chance to see him for the last time because I was afraid that if I went to see him again, I’ll become weak and not be able to say what I want him to know. I decided to text him and honestly, it’s the worst way to break up with somebody. I always know but I had no choice. I couldn’t come and tell him face-to-face. How cowardly I am!
I’ll be missing you for sure. I’m sorry but I had to do it for me. I don’t want to get hurt one more time. I’ve been crazy and silly. I know that I’m emotionally unstable and I only bring troubles but you’ve always been nice to me and I’m truly grateful for that.
I’m listening to a song that reminds me of you. I cried last night and the night before thinking about our time together and I always hesitated about telling you what I thought because if we don’t meet anymore, I’ll feel very miserable. But I did. This morning.
I miss you.
But I need to move on.
There’s no future for us. I don’t want to be heart-broken one more time. So I retreated.
Take care. I always want you to be happy. I really do.
I think I loved a man.
We won’t meet anymore.
My eyes are tired.
Lying on bed and thinking.
1Q84. The book I’m reading at the moment. I read every night before going to sleep. It’s a good book. I haven’t finished it yet but this kind of book is my favourite. The author describes his characters’s feelings in an amazingly exact way. It feels like I’m actually the person who lives in that world. Events from childhood. The age of innocence. Thoughts. Heartache.
Nothing really matters.
The wind still blows.
Perhaps one day when I get old, I’ll be looking back at my young days and all the feelings and memories could warm up my heart.
One night, when I was in my early 20’s, I was with man that I wasn’t sure if I loved. But when we kissed and I touched his back with my hand, I suddenly thought to myself: “This is amazing. Touching somebody. Feeling the warmth and the honesty.” And in that very moment, I could see a flash of love between the two human beings, two bodies, the two souls.
And then I felt really sad. I didn’t know why. Something unbearable stuck in my chest. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Sometimes, crying is the only way to escape. It’s not a perfect complete escape but at least it gives you a tiny little hole to suck some air in. If you don’t cry, you’d probably be crushed into small pieces.
Thinking of all the stars and the universe. Or universes. Why am I here? Where am I going? What am I supposed to do?
I had a short nap before and I saw my granddad. He’s getting real old now but in my dream, he still looked good, going out with his friends on his birthday or some anniversaries. He made food for the home party and I ate them happily. He’s always been an important person in my life. It scares me to death thinking about the day I have to say the final goodbye to him. It’s the last thing I want to happen. More than a grandfather, he’s my friend, my childhood, my love, my inspiration. I acted crazy when I was a teenager. And now I’m not home to take care of him. Be well, granddad. I love you more than anything. And I want to make you so proud. I want you to know that you little granddaughter will grow up and become a very fine person. I want you to see my success, and my happiness. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you!
“I have noticed that when all the lights are on, people tend to talk about what they are doing – their outer lives. Sitting around in candlelight or firelight, people start to talk about how they are feeling – their inner lives. They speak subjectively, they argue less, there are no longer pauses. To sit alone without any electric light is curiously creative. I have my best ideas at dawn or at nightfall, but not if I switch on the lights – then I start thinking about projects, deadlines, demands, and the shadows and shapes of the house become objects, not suggestions, things that need to be done, not a background to thought.”
Jeanette Winterson – Why I adore the night
Third year: start the year with a novel. Lolita? No, it’s not suitable for primary school students. But there are 12 year-old girls sexually abused.
I wanna work for UNICEF to stop this.
And my husband is a policeman. He’s tall, ginger, thick beard
Yea but he’s warm and comfortable.
Sofa. One more time. Yes
Rock and roll. Will you still love me??
Lava lamp. No they’re not.
It’s your illusion.
We need the hit.
The hit. The attack. Something to wake us up.
Channels. Under the sea. Yea water is flowing. We are loving. We have dragons for pets.
It’s only an animal
Le chat noir. The black cat coffee. The. Then cats become loving pets. They have many cats even under 1 roof.
You’re my one true love…
You’re my one true love…
No he’s not gna see this. Because this is my secret. I l9ve him. I wasn’t supposed to.
Ballad du Paris.
Knowledge. Real knowledge. Not information. Not gossip. Human travel back in time to see what happened before they were born and how they invented and developed those machines:
Think. Who’s that? A man. Name G. Ah T.
No worries. Do you have dollars? A dime is good.