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Poetry 

Not all lovers can turn their love into poetry


I will remember

The nights we lay on bed listening to my cheesy old songs

The early mornings when you were awake and I was still half sleeping

How your T-shirts felt on my soft skin

How comfy and warm it was next to you


They say

Drunk people are never sad

But very little they know

They have died a million times in those drunk moments

Because of a love that cannot be fulfilled

Because of someone they cannot forget

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything about us, about you

Sometimes I wish we never met

Then sometimes I wish I would never forget a single moment spent with you

Because I know I was happy

And because I know I was alive

I was drunk in those moments

So drunk that I didn’t realise

I have died a million times too…
l.d

11.50pm

15.3.2017

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Us holding hands

Stronger than words. I miss the nights we sat on your couch watching movies holding hands. I miss your hands. I miss your big thumb nails and how perfectly my small hands fitted into your palms.

I still remember how it felt. One day I’ll have to forget all about this. I never want to. I wish we were still together. It’s cold and I wish you were with me and warm me up.

Stronger than words. I know I’d never see you again. I miss you and us holding hands. I love you. Perhaps you never realised but I always do. I wish things went a different way. I wish I wasn’t so wrong. It’s too late for anything to be said or done. I just really miss the warmth you gave me, the sense of complete protection you always made me feel.

It felt like home to me, somewhere I belong, somewhere my soul is accepted and understood.




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I miss you.

It’s funny how memories work. Sometimes we think we are fine and we already get rid of a piece of memories that has been haunting us then one day it bounces back and hits us harder than ever without us even noticing.

It’s been more than 3 months since the night we broke up. I have a feeling that we’ll never meet again. That was the end of us. I cried. I was sorry but I also understand that you’re gone forever and there’ll be no future where we can be back together. You are a man of duty and that’s the way you have always been and always will be.

I’ll never be forgiven. And it doesn’t matter anyhow. You’re gone.

I still miss you a lot. I went to bed tonight trying to sleep early then suddenly all the memories about you came back and they brought tears to my eyes. I’m not sure why I’m still crying after all these times. I cried remembering the night I was at your place, the last time we spent together. I wept after we had sex. I tried not to show you that I was weeping, that I was sad, that I was wishing that everything was still the same, the way they used to be. I was weeping because I had thought of how painful it is without you, of how painful it will be knowing we’re apart and can never get back together.

I’ve tried many ways to keep on living, to forget you and what we used to have. I don’t know if I’ll ever succeed. You said time will heal everything. You assured that nothing will last forever. You’re probably happy by now, maybe excited with a new girl you just met or something new in your life. I don’t know if you still sometimes think of me and wonder where I am, what I am doing. 

I miss laying next to you and talk about millions of random things knowing that you’re really listening. Talking to you is the thing I enjoyed the most. It’s so important to have someone to talk to, not that I talk to many people. Perhaps it’s the reason that makes me miss you still.

I miss you and our pillow talks and how I can laugh so loud without the fear of being judged. I miss how patient you were. I miss you.

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The little trip

Just got back home from a little getaway to Christchurch. My friend and I stayed at Doubletree by Hilton – a nice and cosy chateau not far away from the city central. We had fun time there, did a bit of travelling to the Gondola Christchurch, walked around the town central, went to the museums and did a few other touristy stuff. It’s so strange that this city reminded me so much about you even though it was the first time I’ve been here.

I remember the time you went away for a business trip in Christchurch. I still remember when I woke up in the morning, curled up on your bed and waited for you to come and say goodbye before you went. You were in your black business shirt – my favourite one and you had that cologne on you that day, my favourite of all. I was naked with the blanket rolled around my body. You came and kissed me. Everything is still so vivid in my mind it feels like we’re still together. I missed you a lot when you were away, you know that? Then when you got back, I was really happy. I was so happy that I was laughing in the car when we went out for diner and I felt so silly but I couldn’t help myself. I was so happy to see you and you said I was silly to be laughing for no reason. I just didn’t know what to say to let you know how happy I was when you were back with me again. I never know what to say in those occasions. Silly me, really! I miss those days.


You were right. It is a beautiful city and what I love about Christchurch is the nice and unique vibe of the place, something old and still, yet vibrant and refreshing. They are doing lots of reconstruction around the old town to recreate the place after the quake that happened few years ago. When I was in the tram going around the city, it felt like every corner of the city reminded me of you, strangely. It was a beautiful spring day. When I got to the Ballantynes, browsing through the shops there, it reminded me of the nail polish bottle and the bookmark you got me for present that day. You must have gotten them there, in one of those stores, I thought to myself. And I got so sad thinking about you and how happy I was that day so I almost cried when I was walking along the aisle. Wouldn’t it be nice if you were there with me, holding my hand. We could go shopping, have nice cups of coffee under the sun and simply, be in love. It’d be a nice scene that I know, will no longer be possible in this life but I can’t stop thinking about you or how happy we, or at least I will be.

We never had any trips away together. I’ve always been too busy. I always worked in the weekend and I know I made you feel like you’re unimportant, like you’re not someone that matters so much to me. The truth, which I never told you because I was too embarrassed, that I had to work every weekends so I can pay off my loans I had when I was at university. I had to pay for my own education but I never tell you the reason why I had to work so much because I was afraid that you would judge me, that you would judge my family who couldn’t afford paying my tuition fee, that I didn’t come from a wealthier family so that I can have more time to spend with my boyfriend. I always felt like we were from two different worlds, that you never knew how difficult and challenging it was to be on your own, financially and emotionally. My ego was so high that I never wanted to admit my past, the difficulties I’ve been through, how I used to sometimes live in poverty and shortages. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough for you, that you wouldn’t accept me, that I wasn’t in your class. I know it was wrong, that I should have shared with you everything, to let you in my world. I just wasn’t courageous enough and before I even started, we were not together anymore.

One time, when we were fighting over something, I did tell you that I was sorry because I was not prettier or had a better job and you said I was making excuses to leave you. I didn’t. I was just so insecure about myself and I couldn’t think that someone that good like yourself will come and stay with me for good because I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for you, that if you ever find out about the truth of my past and my life, you would leave me with no doubt. I was so insecure that sometime I was mean to you. I was just defending myself. I obviously didn’t know the right way to do it. I always think that you’ll never understands that kind of life. You wasn’t born to that. You’ll never know. I was about to start sharing with you so many times then I decided I’d better not to because I thought of the embarrassment it might cause if you didn’t understand. So I did nothing about it. It was a big mistake.

I’m still the chocolate you bought me when you were in Australia, the nail polish and the bookmark you got me in Christchurch, the nakelace for my graduation. How can I be so silly to lose someone like you? It’s not at all about the physical things. Not about the presents nor about the romantic things you did. It’s about another soul to cling to, another body to keep me warm. It’s about to rest and give my soul in confidence, someone to pour myself into without the fear of being judged or denied.

I miss you a lot. It still makes me cry sometimes when the feelings are too much for me to handle and the memories are so vivid that I need to actually shake my head to get them off.


If this is really the end of us, I’ll go on and aceept it because it’s probably better for you to move on without me. I know I’m no good for you at all. It hurts but I can’t be selfish and make you suffer. It’s just that I didn’t know I could feel so much for you and all of these memories are still so strong in my mind that I don’t know what to do with them.

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Silk

Have you ever missed the feeling of your bare skin rubbed against the silky duvet in a summer night when you can smell the scent of wild flowers outside your window?

I want to have that feel again. That tiny little thing makes my own existence as a human being so worthwhile.

silk

My heart is still beating inside my chest. I’m breathing but I’m feeling like something is missing. I’m not quite sure what it is. I feel like I’m floating on the surface of a river, in an empty, absent-minded way.

I miss you. It brings tears to my eyes almost everytime something reminds me of you, or us. I’m exhausted after nights of heading out, chasing superficial joy through drinking and trying to forget and trying not to feel. I know you think I’m being stupid and in a way wasting my life. I do know myself that I am. The feels are just too strong and I can’t defend myself. The only problem that I didn’t think I’d feel this way and now when I am, I’m confused and lost and I don’t know what I have to do to shut it off.


It terrifies me even more when I’m turning 25 in 6 weeks and I can’t sill figure out how to be a decent, emotionally stable female who is able to handle a normal relationship and be happy and contented. I’m crazy and I hate myself for that. I’ve always been a mute lonely soul that never have a clue how to express to others how I truly feel.

Today on the way home from work, I saw a car that looked exactly like yours in front of me and my heart suddenly skipped a beat. Then it made me sad thinking about times when we were together in the car and I always asked to put my music on your speakers. I tried not to shed a tear as that’d be so stupid to cry over something so random like that.

And then I wish if I could ever turn back in time. You’d be the one I’d have lying next to me on that silky duvet in a summer night when our wild flowers bloom outside the window and the moon and the stars shine so brightly in the sky. And I’d be able to fall asleep peacefully again holding your thumb knowing that you’re there and you’re not going anywhere and I’ll be safe and loved forever…

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Just some thoughts

It has been nearly 3 months since my last entry on here. I’ve been really busy and literally flat out. I’m having school holiday at the moment, which gives me good chance to have some rest (I’m having too much rest actually lol) and catch up on something I did not have time for during the semester. I’m coming to uni to pick up the results for all the papers in semester one on Monday and meeting up with a friend for a movie and lunch on the same day. Then my uncle and cousin’s birthday party on Saturday. Maybe some drinking and clubbing after. Working in the between. I’ve been partying and drinking a lot since the holiday started. It was about 3 weeks ago. I went out EVERY weekend, got drunk then got home extremely tired and all I did during the week was lying on my bed all day watching movies and eating junk food. I was so bad. I actually lost weight and did not know why I’ve gotten lighter. It’s good though because my clothes and dresses now fit me better and I look better too. can’t wait to go clubbing this weekend or next weekend to try on all the bodycon dresses I’ve been hiding at the bottom of my wardrobe as I was getting chubby before. I tried them on yesterday and when looking at the mirror, I was like “Shit, I look sexy as f***. My body is like Scarlett Johansson’s!!” Haha. Funny!

I’ve been seeing some guys recently and I’m pretty attracted to one of them. He’s different. He doesn’t try to impress me or anything and he talks to me about everything, and he even told me about his past (even he only saw each other twice) that he was sentenced to prison for 3 years for dealing drugs and stuff like that. I was amazed by the fact that he’s into Buddhism and really interested in the religion philosophy and we get on pretty well. I just hesitate a bit for the fact that I’m not sure what he’s looking for in me. I mean, I don’t expect anything and I try not to put my hope too high but I’m confused if he only comes to see me for fun (which is quite likely to happen). I want to make things clear but then at the same time, I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to put him on the spot so the only thing I can do now is keep hanging out with him to see how things go. I don’t want a boyfriend right now anyway. I’m too tired of relationships and all the confusion and dramas they bring. I had enough. I’m happily single and it’s alright to have someone to talk to and have fun with occasionally *wink wink* lol. I don’t think he’s gonna be the love of my life whatsoever. We just need to be safe. That’s all! And when I talk about being safe, I mean “sexually safe” and for me, it could be “emotionally safe” too. It’s quite sad but I don’t think I know what I really want at the moment so I let things be and maybe one day, if I’m blessed enough, I’ll be able to figure out what I really want to be or what I really want to do for my life. Until then, I’m just living in the moment and enjoy whatever life brings me and be happy, of course.

***

I talked to mom tonight and told her how tired I am nowadays as I look at my life at the moment and do not see anything exciting or worth-living and I told her I wanted to go to Dubai to work. She was sad and worried knowing that I’m not happy, and lonely too as I don’t have my family here with me. She told me not to got to Dubai as I’ll end up being all alone with no family or friends and she asked if I considered going to Sweden instead. My aunty and uncle can help me out if I go over there. Then we talked and talked and I realized that we haven’t got such a sincere open conversation in a very long time. I always thought she would never be able to understand what I’ve been through and what thoughts I’ve had on my mind but it turns out that she always knows. She knows and understands everything. The thing is she doesn’t know what to do to help me out because we lives too far away from each other and of course, it’s my life and I have to live it myself. I always thought there was an invisible great generation barrier between us so that I rarely disclosed to her. To me, there was no point talking to someone who did not comprehend because it would be just a waste of time. I was wrong. It was my personality. I always keep things for myself only and never reveal anything to other people. I have no soul mates. Not everybody has a soul mate anyway. Soul mates are rare. As I grow older, I realize that my mom is a woman too and she knows and she feels the things that a woman feels. She’s been there and done things that I’ve been going through at the moment. We are women and even though I never told her about all the guys I dated or slept with, she always knows that I’m a sensitive fragile girl who’s not as strong as I look. She cares for me. She worries for me. She wishes all the best for me. I’m so blessed. Having such an open sincere conversation like that with my mom is a wonderful thing that not everybody is lucky enough to experience. She knows that I want to travel to explore but she also tells me to set aside some space in my heart for family, that one day when I want to settle down and have my own family, I’ll be ready and happy.

mm

I wish that we talked more and spent more time together. I wish that it did not take me all those years living far away from her to realize that she’s a special irreplaceable person in my life. Anyway, it’s better late than never. I’m so blessed to be your daughter and to have all the love that you always give me.

I love you!