When you love someone

When you love someone so much that you’re gonna get cuts in your skin and willing to bleed to keep the person safe.

When you love someone so much that lying in their arms gives you so much happiness that you find it hard to sleep and you just want to cuddle the person until the end of time and tell them to never leave because that’d be too painful to bear.

When you love someone so much that their songs become your songs, their everything becomes your everything and their happiness means so much to you that you’re willing to do anything to keep that person from any worries or sadness.

When you love someone so much that even little things can make you so happy and you want to spend every little moments with that person just to do silly things together because you know you’re accepted and loved unconditionally. 

When you love someone so much that you start to pray to never be parted even though you never believed in God before knowing them.

My thoughts of you.

I wish you never left…


Blue moon 

I found this photo among thousands of photos I have in my phone. We looked so happy and in love. The day this photo was taken is still so vivid in my mind.

My heart aches everytime I think about the day I leave this city, this country, this place where we met and had our time together. It hurts thinking about how sad I’ll be on the airplane all by myself looking down at the place where we could have been so happy together. I’ll cry. I always know that. Leaving everything behind. Leaving you and us behind. I don’t know how it is for you now but I’m still in a lot of pain. I can still not forget. When I leave, we’ll be living in two different cities, two different countries. We’ll be looking at two different moons, two different suns at different times. We’ll be even farther away from each other than we already are. That hurts so much just to think about… I know you’re not in my life anymore but it doesn’t mean you’re no longer in my heart. It’s so hard to go on a day without thinking about you. 

“And I’ll love her for life

And I’ll never let a day go by

Without remembering the reason why

She makes me certain that I can fly”

– My Valentines – Paul McCartney 

We’re now walking on two seperate paths but a big part of my heart always belongs to you. I know I love you and I don’t know why I still do and why I still have so much love for you that life without you has become the biggest suffering I’ve ever had to go through. Perhaps it’s the punishment I deserve after the things I’ve done wrong. I just wish I could see you one more time before I leave. But then that idea scares me. It scares me that I’ll get hurt even more, that I’ll cry even more, that I can’t get up from the pain. Sometimes I think that it’s ok to be without you, I still need to move on and try to be normal and keep up with my life but when the night falls and it’s quiet and I’m alone, it’s the worst time. I don’t know when I’ll be able to be myself again, the self before we met, the self before my heart knew of yours, the self before I knew you were that one person…


Would there ever be a happy ending?

Jus finished watching “Pretty Woman”. Again. I can’t remember how many time I’ve seen this movie and I never get bored of it for some reasons. It’s over romantic. Things in the movie are not real. They can’t come true in real life. I watched it again tonight and it made me cry. I can relate to the characters so much, especially Vivian. And it made me miss him so so much. The opera. The conversations. The way both of them opened their hearts to the other person. The way they put down their guards, the masks they wore to show the other persons their true selves. The way he took care of her. The way she fell in love with him. The way they enjoyed each other’s company. They got on so well. It made me miss him so much. We used to be like them. I was carefree. I laughed all the time, even at silly things. He didn’t talk much. He just always observed me, observed everything I said, all the facial expressions I did. To him, I was special. He cared for me while I was just being who I was and that was what he loved about me. It must have been love, but it’s over now…

Would there ever be a happy ending?

It must have been good but I lost it somehow.

I want the fairytale.

I want to be married to someone I love with my everything, with my all heart. I just don’t want to get married because it’s time to do so. I don’t want to be with someone just because I’m lonely or it’s the way people want me to be. 

I wonder if he still thinks of me sometimes. I don’t know. We haven’t talked in so long. He must have forgotten about me already. 

Today I suddenly remembered the story of the grey elephant that happened a long time ago. My cousins and I were taken out for a group photoshoot one day. It was a very popular thing parents usually did for their kids back in the day. When we were at the shop, we got to choose one of the stuffed animals to carry with us as we had to go to the park for some outdoor shots and those animals would be our photo buddies kind of thing. I chose a little grey elephant while all my cousins and even my brother and sister chose nice and cute animals. When we got to the park, I realised that my elephant was rather an ugly one and it definitely didn’t look as good as the others. However I still hang onto it and strangely, I had a dear special feeling towards that ugly grey elephant. I felt sorry for him because he was not as pretty and possibly not being chosen as much by other kids. I held him so tight the whole time and I was sad when I had to return him back at the shop. It was funny and lonely at the same time. I used to be a sensitive kid who believed in fairytales.

Will I eventually be loved by someone, just like the elephant was loved my a silly little girl that day?

Will there be a happy ending and the “and they lived happily ever after” kind of story?

I don’t know. 

I just really miss him. I’ve always wanting to be with him, be spending our evenings cuddling on the couch watching movies together.

I miss you…


One evening 

Amongst the vast sea of people out there

I still hope 

One day

I’ll find you walking towards my way, looking at me in the eyes and smile 


June 2017

I saw you again today. Or it wasn’t you. I wasn’t sure. You were standing outside one of the bars next to my work. I was trying to walk away real fast. I didn’t want you – or the person I thought that was you to see me. I just finished work, and was looking like a mess. It was a Friday evening and it was cold.  People dressed up to go out. You were in a suit. You must have just finished work and went there for Friday drinks with  your colleagues.

Oh Gosh, I miss you. I miss you a lot. You know that? I must be crazy. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re with someone that makes you happy and laugh a lot. I’m sorry. I can never make up for what I’ve done wrong. I miss you. I wish we were watching a movie together. I wish that you kissed me on my eyes. That was my favourite thing.

Oh God, I miss you…


Unchained Melody

Just got home from dinner at Mexico with Pat. We tried out their winter menu that has just been launched a few days ago and the food was really lovely. Pat had a glass of  white wine and I had a glass of Pinot noir. We only had one drink each but the alcohol kicked in pretty fast and I talked a lot during our conversation. Works, money, relationships, etc. typical girl talks. It was nice to see her again, after quite a long time. 

I was thinking about him the whole evening. I got excited and a bit nervous when I was in the car down to Britomart. What if we bumped into each other? What if he accidentally saw me and I looked like a mess and my hair wasn’t nice? What if I saw him and my heart skipped a beat? What if…? What if…?

It’s been so long.

Why am I doing all these things this time?

Why am I still missing him so much like this?

When I was in the car going pass his apartment, I got so sad. I really miss him. I wondered if he’s still living there. I wondered if he’s with someone now. 

I just really miss him. I don’t know why.

I was crying when I got home and wrote my diary for the day. 

I really miss him.

“Unchained Melody” – Norah Jones.

I wish I knew of this song earlier. I wish I played it when we were together.

I miss you.

The memories of us stay in my heart like an unchained melody

I wish one day I could bring your love back to me. 




you know what’s fucked up?that you can be without someone for six months, a year, five years and have mastered not thinking about them, but no matter how much time passes there will always be that moment where you see a photo of them or catch a little of their cologne on a crowded street and suddenly you’re plagued with a rapidly sinking stomach and the relentless question, “what if things were done differently?”.


Tu sais je vais t’aimer 

11.5.2016 at 7.30pm

This day last year 

Exactly 1 year today

He came to pick me up at 7.30pm

We were texting for a few days before that. We decided to meet.

We both dressed in black 

He wore his black shirt

My favourite shirt of all 

I wore one of my black dresses

It was drizzling

We had cocktails and food at Bedford in Ponsonby 

I think he fell for me right on that first date 

He asked if he could see me again

I said I’d love too…

It was the beginning of our story

A short story 

Too short.

The ending came so suddenly 

I wasn’t ready for it

I never was

I never had

It was my fault

Not everything but yes, the main part, the main reason why we’re apart
I still miss him

Sometimes I wonder 

If he has succeeded at erasing me completely from his mind 

He should have 

He must have 

This day last year 

One year later 

I’m still alone

But this time

I’m alone with the ghost of him

The ghost of the man who once loved me deeply

I was out tonight

I was glad that I wasn’t staying home, being haunted by all the memories of the night we first met 

I looked at my watch at 7.30pm

Recalling the moment he got out of his car and we first greeted 

Everything is still so clear in my mind

In that moment

I could never have known 

It was him

It was always him

And it will always be him
Now he’s gone

I’m not sure where I will be, what I will be doing, who I will be with this time next year

I don’t know

I can’t know

I don’t have any expectations or hopes 

I’m missing you tonight 

You may not remember 

This night last year 

The first time we met 

The first time we talked

The first time we laughed at each other’s jokes

Everything belongs to the past now

They only live in my memory 
I hope you’re happy

I hope you meet the one who deserves your love

I didn’t realise I was loving you that much until it was too late

And I chose to stay away so that you could forget me, move on and be happy

I miss you 

A little too much




Tu sais je vais t’aimer

Même sans ta presence

Je vais t’aimer

Même sans espérance

Je vais t’aimer

Tous les jours de ma vie