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My mother

How much patience can a person hold? How much anger can a person encapsulate in one’s heart? I’ve never quite known someone like her. She’s understanding. She has the patience and tolerance of a saint. It’s wonderful to see such an ordinary human being with such virtues, especially when that person is your mother.

I never write much about my mother. I know I love her. I just find it hard to express that love and show it to her sometimes. I know that she knows. She always knows best. She always know what to think and what to do, in happy times, in tough time, in whatever time fate gives her to face. The more I grow up, the more I understand but I always know I’ll never understand enough. What do I know about my mother? A lot? I can say so. But I never really get close, real close to her thoughts, to her mind, to the woman inside of her. I receive her love naturally. I always take it for granted, like a second nature, like it’s the way things are, the way they are supposed to be.

She was once a woman with dreams. She was young once. She fell in love, with man, who is my father. She never pursued a career. She had 2 kids with the man she loves and married to. She’s always been so dedicated to the role of a mother. She took care of us, gave us the best of her, the best that she could or could afford to give. She took care of my sister/cousin as one of her own. I know there were times she was desperate, she was down, she was calling for help in silence. I never quite know where she got the strength from, to carry on, to keep going, doing what she decided to spend her life to do. She lives her life for us, always for us. We never quite comprehend what she’s been through. We’ll never know all the stories, about the tears she cried, the sleepless nights she spent to think, to talk to her inner self, to question life, to consider if everything she’d done was worth the effort. Or has she ever questioned it? The purpose of her life – us, her children.

I don’t even know if she’s still in love with my father. I know they were so deeply in love once, when they were a lot younger, when they loved each other and decided to get married and became a family.  They are not the way they used to be. Of course, they’re getting old, they’re gonna be 50 soon. They’are no longer the love birds they were more than 30 years ago. She’s been enduring his short temper, his impulsivity, his aggression, many other things from him that I know I would never accept as a wife. Then she’s still there, together with the man she chose, never said she regretted what she’s chosen. I don’t think I’m able to handle what she’s been through, with all the stress and pressure from life, from her marriage, from having to raise us kids, from all the awful things that came her way. Now, as we’re all grown up, she’s alone, getting old, living far away from her kids. Am I feeling sorry for her? I don’t know. I just feel melanchony, sad and helpless. I don’t know what I can do for her, to make her feel a little more happy. I’m not happy myself, and I don’t know how to make my own mother happy.

I had a quick weep just before, thinking about what she told me when I told her I might not get married. My father never knows what he’s talking about, most of the time. I decide not to talk to him or listen much because he just never understands or he simply just doesn’t know the right thing to say. Perhaps he never means to become a bad parent. He just happened to become one. I don’t blame him. He didn’t get the right parenting himself. It’s just sad because then my mother has to become both parents. She has to be soft and caring and at the same time being strong and supportive, teaching us the right things to do in life, as what fathers would do. I don’t know what I’ll do or what I’ll be once she’s gone. Will I weep? I think I will. I’ll just never be able to tell her everything, all the love, the anger, the thoughts I’ve been keeping in my heart, all the questions of why she sacrificed her life for us, of why she kept putting up with a man who did not pay attention about her feelings and what she’s been through on her own while he was supposed to be there when she was hurt. I’ll never know and understand. I just can’t.

I adore the way she loves though. Will I ever love someone that much in my life? I’m a lot more selfish than she is. I’m some sort of a perfectionist who expects the world to be whole and perfect. I’m not easily amused or satisfied. I have much love in my heart, yet I don’t love so easily. I have “daddy issues”. I made bad choices of men in my life. I always feel insecure about choosing a partner because I was so obsessed and somehow terrified of what my mother’s been through in her marriage. There are so many “what if” questions I’ll never be able to answer. What if I stayed and got married to the man I loved at 19 yo? What if I did not break up with my high school sweetheart and just waited for him to grow up and catch up with me? My life is what it is. There’s no point of looking back and revise things that already happened and wish that they somehow had happened differently.

My mother. That incredible woman. She’s done everything she could for us. It’s my turn to do everything I could for her, to make her truly happy, even for once in her life. I have to live well to deserve her love. Whatever tomorrow will be, I always know I’m so blessed to have such a great mother, to grow up in her arms, to receive her unconditional love. I thank God. I’m grateful for having such an incredibly amazing person in my life, by my side.

I love you. I pray God to bless you and give you happiness and peace of mind. I love you.

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Time 

Perhaps it takes longer for me. One day I’ll find me a home, a man and a garden. One day I’ll be happy in my own house. We’ll go shopping for furnitures. I’ll arrange things in the lounge, our bedroom, the kitchen, the toilet. I’ll hang arts on the wall. I’ll make it somewhere we both want to return after a long tiring working day. I’ll learn to cook. I’ll make desserts. I’ll be a patient willing housewife. I’ll work in my garden in the weekend if we don’t go away on road trips. I’ll grow roses, lots of roses, perhaps some vegetables and herbs. We’ll maybe have a dog. I’ll kiss my man good morning and goodnight. We’ll joke and kiss and make love and talk about having kids and I’ll tell him I’ve always wanted to have children with the man I love and that man is him. We’ll take some walks then go back home, take baths together after work. I’ll light some scented candles, make life all sweet and romantic. We’ll play “The way you look tonight” by Frank Sinatra on our vinyl player and share a glass of wine together…It’ll take time for me to get there

But I’ll be there one day

I’ll find my home where I’ll lay all my trust and hope

I’ll find the man I love and whom loves me in return 

One day I’ll be happy, and content and loved 

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A slightly unusual morning 

We’re too scared and worried too much about the future that we forget to live for the present. Today I figured out that if you’d want to find a man who you’d be happy to spend the rest of your life with then you, at the same time, should become a women who that man wants to spend the rest of his life with. It’s equality. It makes so much sense. Sometimes I get so lost in bunches of questions and the confusion is huge that I don’t know where to start to untangle all the messes in my mind. Think about something more meaningful, more creative to do than just the usual job I’m doing. Self development. Find something inspirational to do. Something that’ll push me to work harder and harder till I’m exhausted but then will eager to come back the next day with motivations and ambitions to reach a higher place. I’ll forget about all the bullshit that’s holding me back, all the “it’s time to get married and settle down”, all the “no men is perfect so just pick someone and get it over with”. No. No. A million times NO. Whatever. If someone is meant to be with me, he’ll show up one day. And I want to be the best self of me when I meet him, and I expect the same from him so we won’t have to go and look any further. We’re all self motivated. We’re all independent who looks for the other half to make ourselves whole. 
I’ll fuck it all. I’ll work hard. I’ll look for opportunities. I’ll not tie myself in any regulations, any rules, any judgements. I’ll get the passport. I’ll go travel. I’ll work my ass off. I’ll learn. I’ll be smart. I’ll earn. I’ll do things I want, buy things I want, for people I love. I’ll not be afraid. I’ll not live a tiny life. I want to expand my soul. I want it to soar. I want to feel and touch and smell and taste as much as my time allows. I’ll go far. I’ll travel and work in a place I’ve never thought I’d travel to before. I’ll meet people and maybe one day, amongst those people I meet, I’ll meet someone who’s meant for me. I don’t know and it won’t worry me too much if I don’t even though I always have such strong belief that I will. The point of life is, it’s not about the destination or a goal that you set out. It’s how you feel and what you earn during the way. It’s how you watch yourself change throughout the periods and realise that you’ve been brave, you’ve been facing all your fears and insecurities with all you have and you succeed. That’s what matter. That’s what make you you. And unfortunately no one can help you to do that but yourself. You have to go on the journey all by yourself. It’s not gonna be rosy. There’ll be rocky roads. There’ll be obstacles. There’ll be difficulties that discourage you. Don’t be afraid. Say fuck it and move forward. Imagine you’re going to see your loved ones. You’ll see them when you get over all those difficulties on the way. You’ll see them at the end of the road. Keep going. 

Be brave. Be kind. Be smart. Don’t forget to look at all the beauties in life and appreciate them. Be grateful for who you are and what you’ve got in life. Be grateful for being loved and cared for by all the people in your life. Don’t give up. You’ll get there one day. Don’t live a small life. Keep going and one day, when you look back, you can put a smile on your face knowing that you have lived a life that’s worth living for 🙏🏻

11.06am

14.9.2017

P/S: Suddenly I remember that this is the day 14 years ago I had my period for the first time. It’s cute 🙂 I’m loving to be a woman! Let’s make the most of it, shall we??

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One day, God will speed your love to me

“She loved him, with such determination and certainty, as if she always knew he was the only one for her, as if she would never know of any other love than his” ❤️LD

31.8.17

I wrote this being so certain about what I felt. Sometimes I ask myself if the love I feel is real or is it just some kind of illusion. 

The only grownup thing I’ve ever done for you was to leave you. Or did you leave me? We just stopped taking. We stopped seeing each other. It just happened, within a blink of an eye. I keep trying to see how you’re doing. You’re a very private person and once you’re gone, you’re gone. We became two strangers again. 

Sometimes I still wonder if you’re happy. My heart still aches everytime I go pass the places where we spent our date nights. Even walking on the street where you live hurts. I wonder if I still cross your mind every now and then. 

“And time goes by,

So slowly

And time can do so much

Are you still mine?”


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Acceptance 

I accepted it as fate told me to

But in the vaguest moment with the slightest hope, I still wish it was you and me at the end, like a dream that never comes true, like a moment of de javu where you and I hold hands and kiss under a starry sky.

11.15pm

Good night, anh! 

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When you love someone

When you love someone so much that you’re gonna get cuts in your skin and willing to bleed to keep the person safe.

When you love someone so much that lying in their arms gives you so much happiness that you find it hard to sleep and you just want to cuddle the person until the end of time and tell them to never leave because that’d be too painful to bear.


When you love someone so much that their songs become your songs, their everything becomes your everything and their happiness means so much to you that you’re willing to do anything to keep that person from any worries or sadness.

When you love someone so much that even little things can make you so happy and you want to spend every little moments with that person just to do silly things together because you know you’re accepted and loved unconditionally. 

When you love someone so much that you start to pray to never be parted even though you never believed in God before knowing them.

My thoughts of you.

I wish you never left…