I’ve been sick. I’ve had a cold and God, it feels terrible. I hate it when I’m sick and my mind can’t function properly and I can’t do anything while I have tons of things to do. To be honest, I’m kind of making excuses to have some rest. I can still work and write and do things but I just don’t want to because my body aches and I just want to have a break, lie on bed all day doing nothing. I was sent home today from work as I was coughing and obviously they didn’t want me to spread the disease around. So I went home on a cab(it doesn’t happen very often), stayed in the room re-watching the movie “The Lover”, wept for awhile then fell asleep. It was a peaceful day. I haven’t had days like that for a very long time. Always running, rushing and tiring myself out. Being sick is good sometimes. The only thing that sucks is I don’t have my mom here to take care of me. I’m craving for the food she makes and her gentleness she had towards me every time she took care of me when I was sick.
I went out with a friend yesterday to Devonport beach and we had a very good time together. I’ve known him for a couple of months and he’s always been nice and caring to me. We’ve been talking and sometimes going out on his bike. It’s fun. Don’t get me wrong. He’s just a friend. In fact, he’s getting married at the end of this year. Our relationship is pure friendship and I feel comfortable telling him things that I don’t normally tell other people.
The last time I went to the beach was with him. It was after the Christmas holiday. He was away for 2 weeks and after that he came to pick me up and drove me to the beach to see the sunset (Actually we couldn’t see the sunset on that day because we went to a beach on the eastern coast and obviously, the sun only sets in the western coast. Well, I don’t wanna remember that Christmas holiday because something he did was horrible but anyway, everything is over now and I don’t care). So yesterday, walking on the beach reminded me of the moments with him and I thought to myself: We never know what will happen. The last time I went to the beach, I was totally happy and cheerful and I trusted someone but this time at the beach, I knew that I was lied to the whole time and I was upset and heartbroken. Then I closed my eyes, let the wind blow away all the worries and sadness I was carrying in my mind. I breathed. I inhaled deeply the smell of the ocean, the wind, of the sunset, of the sky with its incredible colors.
In that moment, I wish i could turn into a seagull and spread my wings to fly across the sky.
A seagull will never know sadness. A seagull only knows the sky, the wind and the freedom.
We went to a bar across the road and had some red wine. We talked about many things but mostly, we talked about me and how I felt after those 2 weeks. I confessed that I was still thinking a lot about what happened and how insecure I felt as I felt like I was never good enough. I didn’t have nice house, nice car, good job and all of that bullshit (I know it’s total bullshit and it has nothing to do with a relationship. Or maybe it does and I was so naive not to realize). And then he said “But you’re only 22 and you have a bright future ahead and why do you have to compare yourself with someone? Don’t ever do that. Just wait and see who you will become in 10 years. I’m sure you’ll be a fine woman because you’re hard working. You always work. And you’re kind also”. He also told me not to turn into a lesbian just because I was heartbroken and I laughed so hard. I never laughed so hard in my entire life. No, no way. I’m not gonna turn into a lesbian, not in a thousand years. I just need time to find the balance and to be ready again. We even talked about sex and I was surprised that I told him all the private things that I would surely never tell anybody else in such a open comfortable way. I knew that he understood and when he said anything, he actually meant it. It felt so good to have a friend to talk to in that situation when the only thing I wanted to do was to open up to someone completely so i could feel relieved and free.
Having wine and taking to my friend made me feel slightly better. It made me realize that life is still exciting and full of possibilities. There will be a lot of joys and happiness in little things if I go and look for them. Missing is a part of moving on. This time I’m moving on and I mean it. Maybe in 10 years, I’ll be smiling when I re-read this post, the post written by my 22-year-old self who was still young and naive and sometimes insecure but always hopeful and optimistic. Yes, in 10 years. I don’t know who I will become but I’m sure that I’ll always stay kind and positive and never give up. And I believe that one day love will come and find me and it’ll never let me down. Everything happens for a reason. There will be happy endings. Keep believing and writing! One day I’ll have posts with the titles “Happy Ending” or “Ever ever after”.