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What do you want when you’re 25? 

“wow i cant wait to have my own apartment n come running down the hallway to my door in my heels after a long day at work and opening my door and hearing the sound of my keys hitting the counter and looking at what mail arrived that day and then going to the bathroom and taking care of myself and applying lotions to my entire body n applying face masks and listening to the way you look tonight by frank sinatra on vinyl n dancing around slowly while wearing nothing but my cute lace bra & undies n a dark red silky lace robe that i havent even wrapped around my body yet and making myself a snack. i cant wait to get to that.”

When you’re 25 and you’re single and free and all you want is to have your own apartment so that you can do all the crazy things you want without disturbing anyone.

You know you can’t wander around forever because your 30’s will come in the blink of an eye but then at the same time you don’t know what to expect either because life is a chain of surprising events and you never know what’s around the corner…

All I want now is someone I love and who loves me in return. All I need in this very moment is someone to cuddle and tell silly jokes with. In an early summer night, a 25 year old young girl is staying quietly in her room wondering what it is out there for her. She doesn’t know if she still believes that the one exists or if it’s always been a creation of over romantic minds. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t try to find out either.

Maybe one day, we’ll be happy in our own apartment. I’ll wrap a towel around my body after shower, jiggling along “The way you look tonight” by Frank Sinatra with a glass of wine in my hand while you’re making dinner for us. One day…

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Us holding hands

Stronger than words. I miss the nights we sat on your couch watching movies holding hands. I miss your hands. I miss your big thumb nails and how perfectly my small hands fitted into your palms.

I still remember how it felt. One day I’ll have to forget all about this. I never want to. I wish we were still together. It’s cold and I wish you were with me and warm me up.

Stronger than words. I know I’d never see you again. I miss you and us holding hands. I love you. Perhaps you never realised but I always do. I wish things went a different way. I wish I wasn’t so wrong. It’s too late for anything to be said or done. I just really miss the warmth you gave me, the sense of complete protection you always made me feel.

It felt like home to me, somewhere I belong, somewhere my soul is accepted and understood.




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Silk

Have you ever missed the feeling of your bare skin rubbed against the silky duvet in a summer night when you can smell the scent of wild flowers outside your window?

I want to have that feel again. That tiny little thing makes my own existence as a human being so worthwhile.

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My heart is still beating inside my chest. I’m breathing but I’m feeling like something is missing. I’m not quite sure what it is. I feel like I’m floating on the surface of a river, in an empty, absent-minded way.

I miss you. It brings tears to my eyes almost everytime something reminds me of you, or us. I’m exhausted after nights of heading out, chasing superficial joy through drinking and trying to forget and trying not to feel. I know you think I’m being stupid and in a way wasting my life. I do know myself that I am. The feels are just too strong and I can’t defend myself. The only problem that I didn’t think I’d feel this way and now when I am, I’m confused and lost and I don’t know what I have to do to shut it off.


It terrifies me even more when I’m turning 25 in 6 weeks and I can’t sill figure out how to be a decent, emotionally stable female who is able to handle a normal relationship and be happy and contented. I’m crazy and I hate myself for that. I’ve always been a mute lonely soul that never have a clue how to express to others how I truly feel.

Today on the way home from work, I saw a car that looked exactly like yours in front of me and my heart suddenly skipped a beat. Then it made me sad thinking about times when we were together in the car and I always asked to put my music on your speakers. I tried not to shed a tear as that’d be so stupid to cry over something so random like that.

And then I wish if I could ever turn back in time. You’d be the one I’d have lying next to me on that silky duvet in a summer night when our wild flowers bloom outside the window and the moon and the stars shine so brightly in the sky. And I’d be able to fall asleep peacefully again holding your thumb knowing that you’re there and you’re not going anywhere and I’ll be safe and loved forever…

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A morning like any other mornings

Wednesday morning. A lazy morning I can sleep in or simply just stay in bed listening to music or doing nothing. And today I have a dog lying quietly next to me. It’s nice and warm in the room. I can hear Ruby breathing and her little snores. She starts listening to me and following what I say to her. It’s extremely amazing. I would never imagine I’d be so close with a dog like this. Never. Not even in my dream. But everything has changed. We like each other quite a bit. She’s cute and always been a good girl.
Lying here with 2 dogs and a person I’ve only known for a couple of weeks but I’m feeling totally safe and relaxed. It seems like we’ve been together forever and we’ll be together like this for the rest of our lives. It’s a strange situation. A situation I never thought I’ve been caught up into but look at me, here I am, in bed at a strange place with a person I hardly know. But there’s something about him that keeps me stay. His genuinity. The stories about his childhood and his father. I don’t think he likes him a lot, probably for the fact that his dad didn’t fulfill the role of a father. There are many more things he told me. I truly want to be his friend. I don’t know why. I’m not saying I feel sorry for him. There’s no point of feeling sorry for others if you can’t do anything to make things better. And he’ll surely hate me if I say I’m feeling sorry for him. No I don’t feel sorry for him. Somehow I just wanna be with him and listen to him and let him know that I understand, that he’s not alone, that he’s a fine person and he’ll be alright. That’s all I wanna do. I have no expectations for our relationship, at least for now. And I’m still happy. It takes me awhile to realize that life is not a fairy tale and sometimes the people you trust and love with your whole heart can still hurt you. So now I’ll just go with the flow. Whatever will be will be. If it’s meant to happen, it’ll one day. Live for the moment and enjoy the happiness it brings. It doesn’t mean that I give up on loving someone truly, deeply, madly. I will, when the time is right.
A strange fate.
Unexpected people popped up in my life.
I never know what’s going to happen and neither do you, right?
A silent night.
A doco movie.
A back rub.
A little touch.
A little kiss.
And life goes on. But the moments remain.
One day, years from now, I may not even remember his face and the way he looks but I’ll surely remember his little bedroom upon the attic with 2 window and 2 dogs lying lazily on bed. I’ll remember the messy floor with piles of laundry and beer bottles. The cold breezes in the morning. Birds are chirping outside the windows. A quiet morning when I was 22 and still a university student. I was wearing his tshirt with a naked girl printed on it. I’ll take a good look of everything here and make sure they stay with me forever.
An unnamed relationship.
A ginger guy with the most adorable hair color in the world.
The little dogs.

He has an appointment with doctor this morning at 9 and told me he’ll be back with me at 10. He told me that I can just sleep in and wait for him. I smiled and nodded. And I was happy but didn’t know why.
I don’t even know what we’ll be doing after.
I don’t want to know either.
It’ll be a surprise and as time goes by, I start liking surprises.
He’ll be back with me at 10.
I’ll wait for him 🙂

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My trip to the Navy Museum

I went to the Navy Museum on Wednesday to ask for permission to do our filming for the interview there. It’s a part of the assignment for one of my papers at university called Media Production Workshop. I caught the early ferry to Devonport from Auckland town and had a good time wandering around and exploring the area.

Shoes

So here we go. My photo diary begins with my lovely leather shoe. Quite a good start, right? Waiting for the ferry, which comes every 15 minutes. Breathing in and out the fresh air in the early morning. Listening to the sea. Looking at people rushing to their work places and wondering what the purpose of living is. What a weirdo! Lol.

ferry building

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Having some breakfast before the museum opened. I arrived too early and had to wait for like more than half and hour before I could step in.

And this is what it looked like inside the museum.

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naval

navyy

inside

wall

old

canon

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uniform

vn war

ship

nzz

medals

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kids

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Lovely view outside the museum too. I would love to live in this neighborhood. It’s a super glamorous expensive area though.

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house

Found an old bookstore at the ferry station on the way back. I can stay in places like this all day.

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And then back to Auckland, had a coffee then headed to the group meeting. Nice trip and wonderful experience I collected that day 🙂

wave

auck

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Life is full of beauties, even from the littlest things. I’m trying to keep myself busy to experience, to explore and to live my life to the fullest. Do you believe in serendipity? I do. And I believe that what is meant to be will always finds its way. Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason!

 

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Devonport – my little trip and things I learnt

I’ve been sick. I’ve had a cold and God, it feels terrible. I hate it when I’m sick and my mind can’t function properly and I can’t do anything while I have tons of things to do. To be honest, I’m kind of making excuses to have some rest. I can still work and write and do things but I just don’t want to because my body aches and I just want to have a break, lie on bed all day doing nothing. I was sent home today from work as I was coughing and obviously they didn’t want me to spread the disease around. So I went home on a cab(it doesn’t happen very often), stayed in the room re-watching the movie “The Lover”, wept for awhile then fell asleep. It was a peaceful day. I haven’t had days like that for a very long time. Always running, rushing and tiring myself out. Being sick is good sometimes. The only thing that sucks is I don’t have my mom here to take care of me. I’m craving for the food she makes and her gentleness she had towards me every time she took care of me when I was sick.

I went out with a friend yesterday to Devonport beach and we had a very good time together. I’ve known him for a couple of months and he’s always been nice and caring to me. We’ve been talking and sometimes going out on his bike. It’s fun. Don’t get me wrong. He’s just a friend. In fact, he’s getting married at the end of this year. Our relationship is pure friendship and I feel comfortable telling him things that I don’t normally tell other people.

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The last time I went to the beach was with him. It was after the Christmas holiday. He was away for 2 weeks and after that he came to pick me up and drove me to the beach to see the sunset (Actually we couldn’t see the sunset on that day because we went to a beach on the eastern coast and obviously, the sun only sets in the western coast. Well, I don’t wanna remember that Christmas holiday because something he did was horrible but anyway, everything is over now and I don’t care). So yesterday, walking on the beach reminded me of the moments with him and I thought to myself: We never know what will happen. The last time I went to the beach, I was totally happy and cheerful and I trusted someone but this time at the beach, I knew that I was lied to the whole time and I was upset and heartbroken. Then I closed my eyes, let the wind blow away all the worries and sadness I was carrying in my mind. I breathed. I inhaled deeply the smell of the ocean, the wind, of the sunset, of the sky with its incredible colors.

In that moment, I wish i could turn into a seagull and spread my wings to fly across the sky.

A seagull will never know sadness. A seagull only knows the sky, the wind and the freedom.

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We went to a bar across the road and had some red wine. We talked about many things but mostly, we talked about me and how I felt after those 2 weeks. I confessed that I was still thinking a lot about what happened and how insecure I felt as I felt like I was never good enough. I didn’t have nice house, nice car, good job and all of that bullshit (I know it’s total bullshit and it has nothing to do with a relationship. Or maybe it does and I was so naive not to realize). And then he said “But you’re only 22 and you have a bright future ahead and why do you have to compare yourself with someone? Don’t ever do that. Just wait and see who you will become in 10 years. I’m sure you’ll be a fine woman because you’re hard working. You always work. And you’re kind also”. He also told me not to turn into a lesbian just because I was heartbroken and I laughed so hard. I never laughed so hard in my entire life. No, no way. I’m not gonna turn into a lesbian, not in a thousand years. I just need time to find the balance and to be ready again. We even talked about sex and I was surprised that I told him all the private things that I would surely never tell anybody else in such a open comfortable way. I knew that he understood and when he said anything, he actually meant it. It felt so good to have a friend to talk to in that situation when the only thing I wanted to do was to open up to someone completely so i could feel relieved and free.

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wine

Having wine and taking to my friend made me feel slightly better. It made me realize that life is still exciting and full of possibilities. There will be a lot of joys and happiness in little things if I go and look for them. Missing is a part of moving on. This time I’m moving on and I mean it. Maybe in 10 years, I’ll be smiling when I re-read this post, the post written by my 22-year-old self who was still young and naive and sometimes insecure but always hopeful and optimistic. Yes, in 10 years. I don’t know who I will become but I’m sure that I’ll always stay kind and positive and never give up. And I believe that one day love will come and find me and it’ll never let me down. Everything happens for a reason. There will be happy endings. Keep believing and writing! One day I’ll have posts with the titles “Happy Ending” or “Ever ever after”.