Kuala Lumpur Airport
Waiting for the flight back to Auckland.
I cried today when the plane took off. This was the first time I cried at departure.
It was sad looking at the motherland disappear into the clouds knowing that your loved ones were staying behind, getting older and being unsure about the day of coming back.
Memories are precious, and powerful.
Sometimes they’re sweet and loving
And sometimes they can kill you from inside…”
That was what I wrote in the book I bought in one of the stores in KL Aiport while waiting for the night flight back to Auckland. I’ve been away from home for more than 6 years now. Many thing have changed. What broke my heart everytime I went back was seeing my grandparents, my parents, all my aunties and uncles, people I love get older. The images of them that were craved in my memory were always their younger, healitheir selves. I never imagined one day my mom would have all the grey hair with her skin starting to get wrinkly and she started having to wear glasses when she saws or uses the computer. Mom in my memory has always been a young beautiful loving woman who will never get old. But time changes everything. Children grow up. Parents get old. The worst thing is you never know how much time you have left to be with them. And I’m so far away.
It surprised me that the emotions stroke me so hard that I cried when the plane from Hanoi to KL took off. I did it silently. I didn’t want to let the woman next to me or the man on the parallel aisle know that I was crying. I was so lonely at that very moment. I was like a child being sent away from its mother’s arms. I had noone in NZ to come back to. I was completely on my own. In that very moment, I questioned my own existence, my own purpose of living. A few drops of tear fell down. It felt like I just sniffed something spicy. The tears were warm on my cheeks. I wiped them with my black hoodie. I wanted to cry out loud at that very moment but then I can’t because I’m a grown-up and grown-ups do not cry.
I wish I had someone sitting next to me to comfort me, to lend me a shoulder to lean on, to tell me everything is gonna be alright, to tell me that I’m always loved and cared for, to tell me that no matter what happens, I’ll never be left alone in this scary world, ever. There was noone. There was only me, up in the air, heading back to the land 6 years ago I chose to be my home, to be the land of hope and promises.
On the day I left, my family took me to the airport and right before I walked into the security check in, my grandmom bursted into tears. She’s 83 this year. She held me so tightly in her arms and told me to always take care of myself, to eat well and to find someone that will love and care for me. She told me she didn’t know how much time she has left, she is too old now and she might not be there when my first child is born. That broke my heart. I’m a lot taller, stronger than her now but to her, I’ll always be that little granddaughter who she loves with all her heart.
That’s life. We were born to be humans and to face all the joys as well as the sorrows in this life. But I always hope that I’d never fail my grandmom and all the people who love and care for me because at the end, they’re everything I’ve got. I love you!