Another sleepless night. I guess I’m still a bit jetlagged and it’ll take a few days to adapt to the time here. The holiday was great. It was short though but I had a very good times catching up with family and friends. I met with some friends from intermediate school and for a few hours, I thought I had a crush on one of the boys in my class on the day we went out with the class. He has changed a lot after 10 years. It was nothing. The catchup was so nice and fun. We have grown up. Most of my friends are now married. Some even have kids. I’m genuinely happy for them and I felt truly lucky to grow up with them, share our precious moments in life when we were little innocent school boys and girls.
However, this time, something changed me. After getting back to Auckand, I constantly feel lonely. My life hasn’t changed alot before and after the trip but something definitely changes the way I look at things. The “what-if” questions constantly revolve around my head. What if I never decided to go away when I was 19? What if I stayed in Vietnam, finished my degree, found a job in my hometown and got married to a guy and had kids by now? I can’t go back to change the past. What I’ve got now is the result of all the decisions I’ve made in the past.
I think the time has come. The time I truly want to settle down, to find someone I can lean on and build a family with. My soul has always been so stormy. I’ve been looking for peace from within and it’s taken awhile for me to realise that I can’t find peace from any outer source but my own inner soul.
There’s something you can’t change no matter how hard you try. There’s someone you can’t turn the clock back to meet them for the first time and make things work.
Everyone has something they regret.
We are all humans. We make mistakes. We love. We hate.
All I want now is someone I can lean my head on his chest and fall alseep peacefully.
All I want now is someone that wants the same things as I do. I want a lover, a friend, a soulmate. Someone loves me for who I am, at my worst and my best.
Someone to love and treasure. A normal human being. Someone I can talk to. Someone who comforts me when I’m sad, who dries my tears when I cry.
Someone who loves me and whom I love. Someone who makes me breakfast and I iron his suits. Someone to share this life with because at the end, love is the only salvation we have in this life.
It’s so hard to find that someone…
“I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me everything
and how I offered you
what was left of me,
and I will remember
your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
our morning coffee
our bodies spilled together
sleeping the tiny flowing currents
and the warmth of you
who made me laugh again.”
– Charles Bukowski –