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Us holding hands

Stronger than words. I miss the nights we sat on your couch watching movies holding hands. I miss your hands. I miss your big thumb nails and how perfectly my small hands fitted into your palms.

I still remember how it felt. One day I’ll have to forget all about this. I never want to. I wish we were still together. It’s cold and I wish you were with me and warm me up.

Stronger than words. I know I’d never see you again. I miss you and us holding hands. I love you. Perhaps you never realised but I always do. I wish things went a different way. I wish I wasn’t so wrong. It’s too late for anything to be said or done. I just really miss the warmth you gave me, the sense of complete protection you always made me feel.

It felt like home to me, somewhere I belong, somewhere my soul is accepted and understood.




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Love letters

I miss the feelings of handwriting something on a notebook. I can’t remember the last time I wrote something on a notebook. I don’t hate typing. It’s easy and handy but sometimes I wish life was still like it used to be in the olden days when we handwrote everything, all the bits and pieces, all the ideas, the emotions, everything on the surface of paper. It felt real. It felt like our feelings live in those lines. 

Listening to “What am I to you” by Norah Jones.

I used to have sketching books. A few of them actually cause I love drawing and sketching. I always wish that one day I’ll receive a handwritten letter in my mailbox, from someone. It doesn’t matter whom the letter is from or what it is about as long as it is handwritten. I love love in the olden days. Fresh, original, yet exciting and exotic. I would love to collect all the love letters from my lover(s), store them in a tin box wrapped with a nice ribbon. Weird right? It just has a very nice feeling about receiving a handwritten stuff from someone. Life is easier now with texts and online messages and all the advanced technology but somehow it’s still my desire to be surprised by someone’s handwriting on a little piece of paper, for me only. 

My grandmother still keeps all the love letters that grandpa sent her when he was away in Russia studying at a university over there. She’s had them for nearly 50 years now and they’re still well kept somewhere in her wardrobe. I’ve always admired her for doing such a small but meaningful thing. They never fought, not once in the whole time they’ve been together. When I asked her about the secret of a happy marriage, she just simply smiled and said it was fate and she was lucky to be with granddad and it was just the way it is, it was just a fundamental obvious thing in their lives that they didn’t know if they can do it the other way. Looking back at all my relationships, I question myself why they’ve always been so complicated and painful even though all that I ever want is to be with someone that I’d feel blessed and happy to be waking up every morning with. All I want for my life is to have a relationship like my grandparents’. 

I have a memory box in which I store bits and pieces of things that I think important to me. They aren’t worth a lot but they represent pieces of memory I’ve had, hence, they become so essential. I have the first iPhone I ever owned, the chocolate bar anh KK gave me on our 3rd date, the ticket to my graduation day, some old photos with my friends and family, ect. And one day there’ll be handwritten love letter sent into my mailbox that I’ll definitely keep them in the memory box too. One day…

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The story I’ll tell our kids one day

Watched the alternate ending of “How I met your mother” this morning and was totally overwhelmed by the emotion it brought. I literally cried for 10 mins after watching this ending as I liked this much better than the actual ending. People have mixed opinions on  this and there’s no rights and wrongs. I just wish Tracy lived so she and Ted could be together and live happily ever after, just like what they do in fairy tales.

I cried also because I had thought of the chance to find someone who finally makes everything work out, someone who makes me love again, someone who makes me be grateful for every single day I live to be with him. The ending makes me cry because it makes me think of how my life would be if I’d never meet that one person, if I’d never have a chance to wake up next to the man I love every morning knowing that he’ll always there for me and love me to the end of his time and beyond. It makes me cry thinking how much I want to have an ending like that, to meet the right one at the right moment, to be married and have beautiful kids together, to grow old with him.

“It was a long and difficult road but I’m glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn’t gone through hell to get there, the lesson had might not have been as clear. You see kids, right from the moment I met your mother, I knew I had to love this woman as much as I can, from as long as I can and I can never stop loving her, not even for a second. I carried that lesson with me through every stupid fight that we ever had, every 5 a.m. Christmas morning, every sleepy Sunday afternoon, through every speed bump, through every pan of jealousy, or boredom or uncertainty that came our way, I carried that lesson with me. And I carried it with me when she got sick. Even then, in what can only which called the worst of times, all I could do was look at her and thank God, thank every god there is, or ever was, or will be, and the whole universe, and anyone else I can possibility thank that I saw that beautiful girl on that train platform and I had the guts to stand up, walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, open my mouth and speak.”

The song “La vie en rose” Tracy sings gets me everytime. If I’d ever meet you and if you’d ever love me back and propose to me and if we’d ever get married, this is the song I’ll play at our wedding. It can be a long and difficult road and even though my heart got broken so many times, I still believe that something good will happen and I’ll finally meet and fall in love with you so one day I could sit down and tell our kids the story of how I met their father.

– “I’ll be right back”

-“I’ll be right here”.

2.37am.