Just got back home from a little getaway to Christchurch. My friend and I stayed at Doubletree by Hilton – a nice and cosy chateau not far away from the city central. We had fun time there, did a bit of travelling to the Gondola Christchurch, walked around the town central, went to the museums and did a few other touristy stuff. It’s so strange that this city reminded me so much about you even though it was the first time I’ve been here.
I remember the time you went away for a business trip in Christchurch. I still remember when I woke up in the morning, curled up on your bed and waited for you to come and say goodbye before you went. You were in your black business shirt – my favourite one and you had that cologne on you that day, my favourite of all. I was naked with the blanket rolled around my body. You came and kissed me. Everything is still so vivid in my mind it feels like we’re still together. I missed you a lot when you were away, you know that? Then when you got back, I was really happy. I was so happy that I was laughing in the car when we went out for diner and I felt so silly but I couldn’t help myself. I was so happy to see you and you said I was silly to be laughing for no reason. I just didn’t know what to say to let you know how happy I was when you were back with me again. I never know what to say in those occasions. Silly me, really! I miss those days.
You were right. It is a beautiful city and what I love about Christchurch is the nice and unique vibe of the place, something old and still, yet vibrant and refreshing. They are doing lots of reconstruction around the old town to recreate the place after the quake that happened few years ago. When I was in the tram going around the city, it felt like every corner of the city reminded me of you, strangely. It was a beautiful spring day. When I got to the Ballantynes, browsing through the shops there, it reminded me of the nail polish bottle and the bookmark you got me for present that day. You must have gotten them there, in one of those stores, I thought to myself. And I got so sad thinking about you and how happy I was that day so I almost cried when I was walking along the aisle. Wouldn’t it be nice if you were there with me, holding my hand. We could go shopping, have nice cups of coffee under the sun and simply, be in love. It’d be a nice scene that I know, will no longer be possible in this life but I can’t stop thinking about you or how happy we, or at least I will be.
We never had any trips away together. I’ve always been too busy. I always worked in the weekend and I know I made you feel like you’re unimportant, like you’re not someone that matters so much to me. The truth, which I never told you because I was too embarrassed, that I had to work every weekends so I can pay off my loans I had when I was at university. I had to pay for my own education but I never tell you the reason why I had to work so much because I was afraid that you would judge me, that you would judge my family who couldn’t afford paying my tuition fee, that I didn’t come from a wealthier family so that I can have more time to spend with my boyfriend. I always felt like we were from two different worlds, that you never knew how difficult and challenging it was to be on your own, financially and emotionally. My ego was so high that I never wanted to admit my past, the difficulties I’ve been through, how I used to sometimes live in poverty and shortages. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough for you, that you wouldn’t accept me, that I wasn’t in your class. I know it was wrong, that I should have shared with you everything, to let you in my world. I just wasn’t courageous enough and before I even started, we were not together anymore.
One time, when we were fighting over something, I did tell you that I was sorry because I was not prettier or had a better job and you said I was making excuses to leave you. I didn’t. I was just so insecure about myself and I couldn’t think that someone that good like yourself will come and stay with me for good because I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for you, that if you ever find out about the truth of my past and my life, you would leave me with no doubt. I was so insecure that sometime I was mean to you. I was just defending myself. I obviously didn’t know the right way to do it. I always think that you’ll never understands that kind of life. You wasn’t born to that. You’ll never know. I was about to start sharing with you so many times then I decided I’d better not to because I thought of the embarrassment it might cause if you didn’t understand. So I did nothing about it. It was a big mistake.
I’m still the chocolate you bought me when you were in Australia, the nail polish and the bookmark you got me in Christchurch, the nakelace for my graduation. How can I be so silly to lose someone like you? It’s not at all about the physical things. Not about the presents nor about the romantic things you did. It’s about another soul to cling to, another body to keep me warm. It’s about to rest and give my soul in confidence, someone to pour myself into without the fear of being judged or denied.
I miss you a lot. It still makes me cry sometimes when the feelings are too much for me to handle and the memories are so vivid that I need to actually shake my head to get them off.
If this is really the end of us, I’ll go on and aceept it because it’s probably better for you to move on without me. I know I’m no good for you at all. It hurts but I can’t be selfish and make you suffer. It’s just that I didn’t know I could feel so much for you and all of these memories are still so strong in my mind that I don’t know what to do with them.