The last day of November

It’s officially the last day of November. I can’t believe it’s the 1st of December tomorrow. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past in the last couple of day, especially when Facebook keeps reminding me of the memories from a year ago. This day last year, I was in Vietnam, probably in Hanoi, in my ex-boyfriend’s place and was having a good relaxing time. I miss those days when I didn’t really have to care about anything in the world because I know that I was safe with my family and friends all around me. I’m alone again, one year later. No boyfriend, no family around.I remember we went to a big shopping mall in the days close to Christmas with my ex, my auntie, cousins and my little nephew – Shrimp. He was only 1 back then and we had our photos taken under a massive Christmas tree there. I was so happy. I smiled a lot. At that time, I wouldn’t imagine how my life would be one year later. I wouldn’t think of my ex and I would break up, how my life would change so significantly. One year can do a lot. I always know that. But then we never know what is waiting for us around the corner.

I wish I was at home again, sleeping in my old little bedroom, curled up like a kitten on my single bed. That is funny thinking about how much I wanted to get away from home, to escape from my family before. I was only young. I couldn’t imagine how hard it’d be without my loved ones around me. I’ve always the odd one out in the family. I’ve always been lonely and hiding in my own shell no matter how much my parents wanted to get to me and understand me. Then I left too early, before they even opened their words.

I always keep a family photo in my room, wherever I move. Chritmas is coming soon and it makes me miss them more. We don’t celebrate Christmas but it’s always been a magical time for me since I was little. We are not Catholics but I always dreamt of a white Christmas with big Christmas trees and snow like what they have in Europe since I was very young. Sometimes I had the feelings that I used to live in Europe in my previous life. I don’t know, it’s just weird.

Goodbye November! It’s only a month away from 2017. Hope December will bring much love, luck and surprises for me.I’ve got to work harder on my plans and dreams. I’m still young and energetic. I can’t just be sad and blue all the time like I’ve been in the last few months. It’s not the end of the world even though sometimes thinking of him still makes my heart ache so much. We’ll see each other again I hope. And I don’t know what the future will bring us. He’ll probably be married and totally forget me by then but whatever happens, I still want him to be happy.

I miss you, anh! Take care always!


Midnight Express

All I want is for someone to be overly in love with me. For nothing. For no reasons. No motives. Not because he’s lonely. Not because he’s looking for someone to marry and have kids with. Just love me simply for who I am, for him wanting to see me everyday and be with me, nothing else.

It’s a weird mixed feeling when you’re up in the air. It’s like a different world. When the plane took off, I was looking out the window and thought what happened if the plane crashed right at that moment. How will people react toward my disappearance? Will someone remember me the way I used to be, in a random moment when I was with them? I wasn’t scared at all. Instead, I felt curious and interested.

If that really happened, my only regret would be that I haven’t found anyone who I can  save all my loving for. Everyone will die alone. It sounds quite pathetic but actually when you look at it and get used to it, it’s pretty ok. Feeling lonely is like sitting in a quiet little room eating canned food. People say they hate it. I hate it too but I wouldn’t deny that I actually enjoy it sometimes. Feeling my own solitude. When you are used to it, you slowly get addicted. Of course I still cry sometimes, eating chocolate or a can of peaches but at the end, I’m still the one who wipes my own tears. That’s life and you need to be ok with it to move one and live.

Writing this reminds me of the movie “Chung King Express” by Wong Kar Wai. I wouldn’t be able to eat 30 cans of pineapples in one night like 233 did. I don’t like pineapples very much. The only thing I eat that has pineapples on it would probably be the Hawaiian burger at Burger King and I go to BK twice a year maximum so, it can pretty much summarise my passion for pineapples. My point is, I know what the extreme loneliness tastes like. It’s salty, like Caviar (not that I’ve ever tried it) and my tears. It’s also dry. It has the smell of empty boxes. I don’t like the taste or the smell of loneliness very much either.

It’s late. I need to go to sleep.

All I want is not for someone to be overly in love with me. All I want is for someone to truly understands and knows what made me the person I am today. For someone who will love me no matter what. For someone will love me with the most tender yet passionate affection on Earth, just for who I am, both when I’m at my best or worst, both when I’m stable or broken.

I’m still looking, and counting. For someone who knows loneliness as much as I do. For someone who may like pineapples, but then also likes me as well.



To Fall In Love With You

The song randomly came up in the recommended videos section on YouTube and I’ve been listening to it non-stop since I discovered it. One of Bob Dylan’s lost masterpieces, composed in the early 60’s when he was in love and in one of his happiest days with the girl he was crazy for.

I’ve always been a big fan of Dylan but the discovery of this song truly means something to me. A beautiful song.

It is the sketch of a song with as much power and imagination as It’s Alright Ma, but with love, regret and doubt as the contexts.

It is tantalising, and brilliant both for itself, and for the consideration of why he never finished it.

I see it in your lips I knew it in your eyes

How simple and how magnificent is that.

A tear goes down my day is real
but your drying eye upon the shame
Each needs a road for me from you
what paradise? what can I do?
That die for my and the day is dark
I can’t believe for your touch
What I could find oh time is right
If I fell in love to fall in love
To fall in love with you

The day is dark, our time is right
day in the night deep in the night
I can’t yet be back I heard my- surprise
I see it in your lips I knew it in your eyes
Well I feel your love and I feel no shame
I can’t unleash your horde I call your name
What you’re to me what can I do?
To fall in love to fall in love
To fall in love with you

It just rolls upon the sand
ever this for now I’m made a man
can make you see what I can find
I know it in my days ah in my daily mind
Oh will ages roll will ages fly?
I hear your name where angels lie.
What do I know? for to come it’s true
To fall in love To fall in love
To fall in love with you

How can the doors trust on a nail?
how can I be surprised of most every day?
In the distant road I can’t be the same
I feel no love I feel no shame
I can’t watch the bay out on my own
we’ve a destined man I can attest it all
I didn’t I could find where I could go
To fall in love to fall in love
To fall in love with you



I miss you.

It’s funny how memories work. Sometimes we think we are fine and we already get rid of a piece of memories that has been haunting us then one day it bounces back and hits us harder than ever without us even noticing.

It’s been more than 3 months since the night we broke up. I have a feeling that we’ll never meet again. That was the end of us. I cried. I was sorry but I also understand that you’re gone forever and there’ll be no future where we can be back together. You are a man of duty and that’s the way you have always been and always will be.

I’ll never be forgiven. And it doesn’t matter anyhow. You’re gone.

I still miss you a lot. I went to bed tonight trying to sleep early then suddenly all the memories about you came back and they brought tears to my eyes. I’m not sure why I’m still crying after all these times. I cried remembering the night I was at your place, the last time we spent together. I wept after we had sex. I tried not to show you that I was weeping, that I was sad, that I was wishing that everything was still the same, the way they used to be. I was weeping because I had thought of how painful it is without you, of how painful it will be knowing we’re apart and can never get back together.

I’ve tried many ways to keep on living, to forget you and what we used to have. I don’t know if I’ll ever succeed. You said time will heal everything. You assured that nothing will last forever. You’re probably happy by now, maybe excited with a new girl you just met or something new in your life. I don’t know if you still sometimes think of me and wonder where I am, what I am doing. 

I miss laying next to you and talk about millions of random things knowing that you’re really listening. Talking to you is the thing I enjoyed the most. It’s so important to have someone to talk to, not that I talk to many people. Perhaps it’s the reason that makes me miss you still.

I miss you and our pillow talks and how I can laugh so loud without the fear of being judged. I miss how patient you were. I miss you.


The little trip

Just got back home from a little getaway to Christchurch. My friend and I stayed at Doubletree by Hilton – a nice and cosy chateau not far away from the city central. We had fun time there, did a bit of travelling to the Gondola Christchurch, walked around the town central, went to the museums and did a few other touristy stuff. It’s so strange that this city reminded me so much about you even though it was the first time I’ve been here.

I remember the time you went away for a business trip in Christchurch. I still remember when I woke up in the morning, curled up on your bed and waited for you to come and say goodbye before you went. You were in your black business shirt – my favourite one and you had that cologne on you that day, my favourite of all. I was naked with the blanket rolled around my body. You came and kissed me. Everything is still so vivid in my mind it feels like we’re still together. I missed you a lot when you were away, you know that? Then when you got back, I was really happy. I was so happy that I was laughing in the car when we went out for diner and I felt so silly but I couldn’t help myself. I was so happy to see you and you said I was silly to be laughing for no reason. I just didn’t know what to say to let you know how happy I was when you were back with me again. I never know what to say in those occasions. Silly me, really! I miss those days.

You were right. It is a beautiful city and what I love about Christchurch is the nice and unique vibe of the place, something old and still, yet vibrant and refreshing. They are doing lots of reconstruction around the old town to recreate the place after the quake that happened few years ago. When I was in the tram going around the city, it felt like every corner of the city reminded me of you, strangely. It was a beautiful spring day. When I got to the Ballantynes, browsing through the shops there, it reminded me of the nail polish bottle and the bookmark you got me for present that day. You must have gotten them there, in one of those stores, I thought to myself. And I got so sad thinking about you and how happy I was that day so I almost cried when I was walking along the aisle. Wouldn’t it be nice if you were there with me, holding my hand. We could go shopping, have nice cups of coffee under the sun and simply, be in love. It’d be a nice scene that I know, will no longer be possible in this life but I can’t stop thinking about you or how happy we, or at least I will be.

We never had any trips away together. I’ve always been too busy. I always worked in the weekend and I know I made you feel like you’re unimportant, like you’re not someone that matters so much to me. The truth, which I never told you because I was too embarrassed, that I had to work every weekends so I can pay off my loans I had when I was at university. I had to pay for my own education but I never tell you the reason why I had to work so much because I was afraid that you would judge me, that you would judge my family who couldn’t afford paying my tuition fee, that I didn’t come from a wealthier family so that I can have more time to spend with my boyfriend. I always felt like we were from two different worlds, that you never knew how difficult and challenging it was to be on your own, financially and emotionally. My ego was so high that I never wanted to admit my past, the difficulties I’ve been through, how I used to sometimes live in poverty and shortages. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough for you, that you wouldn’t accept me, that I wasn’t in your class. I know it was wrong, that I should have shared with you everything, to let you in my world. I just wasn’t courageous enough and before I even started, we were not together anymore.

One time, when we were fighting over something, I did tell you that I was sorry because I was not prettier or had a better job and you said I was making excuses to leave you. I didn’t. I was just so insecure about myself and I couldn’t think that someone that good like yourself will come and stay with me for good because I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for you, that if you ever find out about the truth of my past and my life, you would leave me with no doubt. I was so insecure that sometime I was mean to you. I was just defending myself. I obviously didn’t know the right way to do it. I always think that you’ll never understands that kind of life. You wasn’t born to that. You’ll never know. I was about to start sharing with you so many times then I decided I’d better not to because I thought of the embarrassment it might cause if you didn’t understand. So I did nothing about it. It was a big mistake.

I’m still the chocolate you bought me when you were in Australia, the nail polish and the bookmark you got me in Christchurch, the nakelace for my graduation. How can I be so silly to lose someone like you? It’s not at all about the physical things. Not about the presents nor about the romantic things you did. It’s about another soul to cling to, another body to keep me warm. It’s about to rest and give my soul in confidence, someone to pour myself into without the fear of being judged or denied.

I miss you a lot. It still makes me cry sometimes when the feelings are too much for me to handle and the memories are so vivid that I need to actually shake my head to get them off.

If this is really the end of us, I’ll go on and aceept it because it’s probably better for you to move on without me. I know I’m no good for you at all. It hurts but I can’t be selfish and make you suffer. It’s just that I didn’t know I could feel so much for you and all of these memories are still so strong in my mind that I don’t know what to do with them.