I’ve had trouble sleeping lately. It’s 12.42 and I’m still wide awake. I went to bed at 10, trying to get sleepy as I’ve got work in the morning then I ended up thinking and crying so I had to get up to blow my nose. And here I am, facing the laptop typing these posts that noone would read or care about.
It’s still him and I don’t know what’s wrong with me this time. I’ve been crying so much lately. I’ve been thinking about him all the time that it occupies my mind so much in a way that I couldn’t escape even though I’ve tried my best. Noone can just walk away, not even the strongest person. I thought of the night we broke up. We parked the car by the water at Wynyard Quarter when the song “L.O.V.E” by Joss Stone was playing. He turned down the volume and started what he got to say. It’s still so vivid in my mind what he said that night and how I felt laying on bed with him for the last time as a couple. It felt like he was miles away even when we were next to each other. I did weep quietly. I didn’t want to show him the tears. He was trying to hug me for the last time and I pushed him away. I still remember that so clearly and in that moment, I knew that guy was gone. The one who always took care of me, who loved me so deeply was gone and I did weep because I had thought of how much love he’d given to me, and how much it hurt seeing him go like that.
If I could ever go back in time, I’d never hurt him the way I did. I regreted it so much and until now I still cannot understand how I can treated such a nice dedicated person like himself that way. It wasn’t me. It didn’t sound like me at all. I didn’t know why I did what I did. If I could ever go back in time, I’d always show him how much I care, how he deserves to be loved, how much I want him to be the only man in my life, to love and to hold. I sometimes imagine laying down next to him, look at him in the eyes and ask him if he wants me to be his only one for the rest of his life as much as I want him to be mine. Then he’d say yes, of course he does, and we’ll smile and kiss each other with such love and passion.
Until now, I know he’s the only one that has everything I ever want in a man. But more importantly, he made me feel like a woman, always. I don’t know and I don’t care if anyone would ever make me feel that way again. I wept because I had thought of what could have been, of how wonderful it is to wake up everyday with him knowing that this man will never forsake me. He’s the one who stays. He’s the one who worries that I get cold so he always prepares an electric blanket or a throw for me, who worries that I’d be hungry so he never minds to cook. He’s everything I could ask for in a man. I miss that man so much that it hurts. The physical pain in my chest is the worst. I have to press my chest so firmly everytime the pain comes up so I can ease it and not feel so exhausted.
He’s gone forever and I don’t know where to find him. He no longer exists.
I wonder where you are now, are you still thinking of me? Are you feeling the pain of us being apart? Are you missing me the way I’m missing you right now? I know you’ve gone. The one who loved me has gone. I still miss you a lot. I know you’d never come back to me but I hope you’re happy because you’re a nice person and you deserve the best happiness in life.
I love you. It takes me all those times to realize it but I love you. I know it’s too late for us. Our ship has sailed and you’ve gone, you used to say. I’m still sometimes dreaming of resting my head on your shoulder and listen to our breaths. I’ll keep you in my heart, the whole you, the way you used to be – my anh. Noone can steal you from me. Noone can touch you but me.
Good night, anh!