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Woke up alone

Woke up alone this morning, curled in my blanket feeling a bit empty. Summer is here but the wind is still chilly for some reason.

I wonder how it’d feel like to wake up next to you again, in a beautiful morning like this.

You must be at work by now. I’m still in bed. It’s my dayoff. I sound really useless, don’t I? I don’t think a lot about it. I think a lot about you though despite the fact that you’ve gone. I’d never blame you for anything. You did nothing wrong. I just really miss you that’s all and sometimes I wonder if you’re still thinking about me.

I’m going to Christchurch today. My flight is not until the afternoon. I’m going away for a couple of days, to relax and maybe settle my mood. I want to be wake up in a strange city, on a strange bed to see if it makes any difference. And most importantly, I want to experience the feelings of being on my own and still be happy. I will try!

I hope you have a good day, anh! I miss you. I hope you’ll meet nice people, have fun and be happy!

Whatever happened and will happen, you’ll always be someone I remember till the rest of time. I love you!

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I guess it’s really over between us now.

I should have accepted this a long time ago.

It hurt when I found out you unfriended me on Facebook. I don’t know what made you do that. I just know that it hurt knowing that you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. 

I have to let you go. I don’t know how long it takes before I can stop crying.

I miss you. I miss us..

I wish it was easy to forget you. Or should I say I wish I could unmeet you?

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A

I’ve had trouble sleeping lately. It’s 12.42 and I’m still wide awake. I went to bed at 10, trying to get sleepy as I’ve got work in the morning then I ended up thinking and crying so I had to get up to blow my nose. And here I am, facing the laptop typing these posts that noone would read or care about.

It’s still him and I don’t know what’s wrong with me this time. I’ve been crying so much lately. I’ve been thinking about him all the time that it occupies my mind so much in a way that I couldn’t escape even though I’ve tried my best. Noone can just walk away, not even the strongest person. I thought of the night we broke up. We parked the car by the water at Wynyard Quarter when the song “L.O.V.E” by Joss Stone was playing. He turned down the volume and started what he got to say. It’s still so vivid in my mind what he said that night and how I felt laying on bed with him for the last time as a couple. It felt like he was miles away even when we were next to each other. I did weep quietly. I didn’t want to show him the tears. He was trying to hug me for the last time and I pushed him away. I still remember that so clearly and in that moment, I knew that guy was gone. The one who always took care of me, who loved me so deeply was gone and I did weep because I had thought of how much love he’d given to me, and how much it hurt seeing him go like that.

eyes

If I could ever go back in time, I’d never hurt him the way I did. I regreted it so much and until now I still cannot understand how I can treated such a nice dedicated person like himself that way. It wasn’t me. It didn’t sound like me at all. I didn’t know why I did what I did. If I could ever go back in time, I’d always show him how much I care, how he deserves to be loved, how much I want him to be the only man in my life, to love and to hold. I sometimes imagine laying down next to him, look at him in the eyes and ask him if he wants me to be his only one for the rest of his life as much as I want him to be mine. Then he’d say yes, of course he does, and we’ll smile and kiss each other with such love and passion.

Until now, I know he’s the only one that has everything I ever want in a man. But more importantly, he made me feel like a woman, always. I don’t know and I don’t care if anyone would ever make me feel that way again. I wept because I had thought of what could have been, of how wonderful it is to wake up everyday with him knowing that this man will never forsake me. He’s the one who stays. He’s the one who  worries that I get cold so he always prepares an electric blanket or a throw for me, who worries that I’d be hungry so he never minds to cook. He’s everything I could ask for in a man. I miss that man so much that it hurts. The physical pain in my chest is the worst. I have to press my chest so firmly everytime the pain comes up so I can ease it and not feel so exhausted.

He’s gone forever and I don’t know where to find him. He no longer exists.

I wonder where you are now, are you still thinking of me? Are you feeling the pain of us being apart? Are you missing me the way I’m missing you right now? I know you’ve gone. The one who loved me has gone. I still miss you a lot. I know you’d never come back to me but I hope you’re happy because you’re a nice person and you deserve the best happiness in life.

I love you. It takes me all those times to realize it but I love you. I know it’s too late for us. Our ship has sailed and you’ve gone, you used to say. I’m still sometimes dreaming of resting my head on your shoulder and listen to our breaths. I’ll keep you in my heart, the whole you, the way you used to be – my anh. Noone can steal you from me. Noone can touch you but me.

Good night, anh!

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It’s still hurting so badly. I’m still missing you a lot. I just cried hugging my pillows imagining they were you. I thought of what I’d say to you if we ever meet again. I thought of what I’d say to you if I was next to you with your arms around me. Then I cried and my heart ached. I don’t know why it’s been so hard. We haven’t talked for more than a month now. It’s still hurting. I cry almost every night thinking how lonely it is without you. Every night I check your status on Viber to see if you’re still online or you’re off so I can guess if you’re still awake or already asleep. That’s so silly but I just try to see how you’re doing. We don’t talk anymore. I try not to text you even though it’s killing me. I’m trying so hard to let you go and find a better someone. I don’t know what I can do. I don’t know how long this will last. I don’t know if you’re still thinking of me or you’ve moved on and been excited about a new future with a new beginning and someone new.

I miss you, anh! I wish we were together so I can cuddle in with you and be happy and fall asleep next to you.. 😦

1.49am

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Becoming a mom

It’s such a wonderful and at the same time weird feeling finding out that your best friend is pregnant. My best friend called me today with such joy and excitement telling me that she got pregnant. Even though it wasn’t in their plan, her partner and she are over the moon and so excited to become parents. When I talked to her and knew about the baby, many old memories came back and they left me speechless for awhile. We used to go to kindergarten together  we were 3 then primary school, intermediate and high school. Our families are really close so it made us even closer to each other. She’s been the second sister of mine. Now she’s becoming a mother and I can’t describe the feeling of seeing her carrying such a precious little thing inside her. I almost cried after I heard the news. I never knew how it’d feel like when one finds out about her best friend’s pregnancy. We’ve grown up. We’re no kids anymore. Seeing her happy makes me so happy, and excited too. We used to share almost everything to each other, used to shower together everyday (don’t get me wrong, we’ve always been so carefree and innocent), used to stay up all nights to watch movies and talk about how we wanted our futures to be like, how we waned our husbands to look like. Every silly jokes in the world. And now she’s becoming a mother, totally happy and in love with her man. My heart is full of love and blessings for her and the baby. It touches me so hard everytime I think of the little life growing everyday inside my best friend. Such a beautiful precious little thing I fell in love with the very first second I knew of its existence. I’m gonna be your good auntie. I’m gonna take care of you and love you as much as I do to my own children. Grow well and be safe. Auntie loves you so much! I can’t wait to see you! ❤️❤️❤️

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I’m. The bride.

I always knew this day would come but didn’t expect it to come so early.

I didn’t feel anything. It didn’t even hurt a bit when I knew that he’s getting married. Not even a year since we broke up. It’s only just been a couple of months. And now he’s marrying some girl who he doesn’t want to show her face to people. Wow, it does surprise me that I didn’t feel a thing when I heard the news. 

I didn’t quite know what has happened since as I blocked all the contact with him but now I can be sure that breaking up with him was one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made. Love? Yes, I did love him but not anymore. It’s so strange. Even before I thought that it would break my heart severely if I saw him with someone else, even after we have broken up. But it doesn’t because I know that man never deserves to have me, to have my love, my commitment, my dedication. He’s just trash to me now to be honest. I didn’t feel a thing. 

I do feel bitter though. I wouldn’t say I regretted him. It’s been a lesson I’ve learnt for myself. There’s been tears, jealousy, disappointment, desperation of all sorts and what I’ve learnt was that there are people like that in life, and you need to accept the fact that it doesn’t matter how nice you are to them, they’ll still not giving a damn of they don’t care enough. 

Five months since we last talked and now he’s starting a marriage life with someone else. Things can happen in the blink of an eye. Now I know what this means. 

I don’t care and will not try to find out anything about this. The only thing I’m thinking of now is that if I had never met him, would I ever become the person I’m today? And would I ever fuck up the chance with the person who could be my soulmate? I used to think that soulmates don’t exist and it’s only an illusion people created to romanticise their partners but I did feel the connections when we were together, when we watched a movie, when we talked passionately about an issue, when we laughed at each other’s jokes. I miss you, anh! You’re gonna get married soon too. I’m not sure when. Maybe this year, next year, the year after. Then there’ll be only me standing here thinking about what we had and what could have been.

Those 50 years of our lives will never been spent together. Your ring will never be put into my finger and I’ll never have the chance to say my vow to you but it’s too late now.

I miss you a lot. I wish that I wasn’t so wrong so one day we could get married and I could be the happiest bride.

But maybe I’m not destined to be anyone’s bride. Maybe I’m destined to be on my own forever. I don’t know..