Woke up at 4.13am for no reason. It was a bit cold. Summer is not here yet and the nights are still chilly.
I was tired, stressed. There are so many things I need to think about at the moment. How to get my life back on track. How to start a stable career. How to balance everything else in life and feel normal again. They drive me crazy. I don’t know what I’m living for or searching for. I don’t know that for certain all the time but this time is different. I feel like I’m seriously lost and there’s uncertainty and darkness all around. I’m not sure if I’m having depression. I don’t even know how it feels like to have depression. I’m just not happy and content. I don’t know who I’m in this world and what I’m doing with my life. There are too many questions and I’m lost in a sea of confusion. I don’t know since when my life has turned into something like this. I used to be so determined, smart and super organised with what I did and what I wanted. That girl is gone. I don’t know now when I look at myself in the mirror who I would see in there. This girl here doesn’t look so familiar. She’s somewhere else now, wandering, getting lost. Sometimes I think the breakup with my ex has changed me without me noticing. It has changed me so much without me knowing I’ve been changed and will never be able to go back to the person I used to be. I’m not supposed to anyway. It’s a part of growing up and there are tears and pain and disappointment and despair. But what are the purposes of all these things that happened? I miss the girl I used to be so much. Such a gentle hopeful funny little girl who saw all the possibilities and positivity in everything and always hoped and worked for the best. Who am I know? I don’t know. Sometimes I still see her eyes sparkling with joy and excitement but they have gotten much sadder. Her eyes have become something that proves what she’s been through, something no one knows about and understands. She’s fragile but always wants to look strong. She’s broken but always wants to look ok.
Since I got back to New Zealand and left everything behind, I knew that I wouldn’t be the same person I used to. Leaving him is to leave a part of me, a part of the past, a part of the memories, a part of the dreams that will never come true. I don’t love him now. He’s not one of those who I’ll love and miss till the rest of my life. I used to, crazily, hopelessly, blindly but not anymore. I always knew there wouldn’t a nice future for us. I always knew but I didn’t care at the time. I did everything based on the instincts because I thought I was young.
But the breakup has broken me more deeply than I realised and I just realised now, looking at myself in the present. What have I done? To myself? To a man who could be that Mr.Right for me? To my life? My determination? My courage? My hope?
I fucked everything up. I knew I did and I felt bitter about it. I did things like a sleepwalker. I didn’t deny it. I just feel so bad. And all the “what could have been” are still killing me from inside.
I hasn’t been well for the last couple of day. Bad period pain, light fever, sadness, stress. I just wanted to be with him and hug him and make myself feel a little bit better. It feels so good to be in his arms. I never admit it but it does and sometimes I’m desperate to be there, next to him, just be silent and lean on his chest. But then I realised we’re no longer together, that we’re basically just 2 strangers. I’m not sure if sometimes I annoy him so much, that I ask to come and see him and seek a bit of comfort and reassurance. He never says anything so it even makes me mad because it seems like he’s just being nice and polite. That man is gone too. He’s no longer the one. I just miss him so much that it hurts every single time I think of him, of us and what could have been. Life is always like that, isn’t it?
He’s not the one who’s always there for me anymore and sometimes I forget and I text him and ask if I can come and stay. I was so mad at myself yesterday for forgetting the fact that he’s not there anymore, he’s no longer waiting for me. I was mad at myself for being sad, being disappointed. All I thought was I was sick and I so wanted to be with him and cuddle up with him and have a good sleep in his arms and it would make me feel so much better but I forgot that we’re no longer together, that he moves on and I’m still standing there, all confused like I didn’t know what just happened. I wouldn’t feel sorry for myself. I’d never do that.
I did weep the other day. He said he’s looking for someone to marry. It hurts so much hearing those words from him. I pretended to be calm, to be chill but my tears were just waiting to fall down anytime from that moment that I had to try my best to hide them. I pretended to be happy, loud, silly and seem like I didn’t give a fuck about the world. I didn’t know why it hurt that much. I wouldn’t be so sad if my ex or anyone Ive been with told me the same thing. Why did it hurt so much with him? Watching him move on hurts. Watching him with other person will hurt even more. But I also know that he’d never come back to me, ever. I know that for sure. I’m not worth it anymore. I’m not the one he thought I was and it disappointed him so much that now he’s gone. I don’t know what to do or what to say. I’m just like a vulnerable voiceless child that’s never able to say what I think. I just cry and feel hurt and that’s it. I never know what to do. I never did. Even when I was little and seeing my parents fought or seeing how badly my dad treated my mom, or when I grew up and saw how my exes treated me. I never knew what was the right thing to do. I just stood there, silent and hurt. I’ve always been scared, and lonely. No one ever knows what I’ve been through, how I feel, even my closest ones. I’ve always been that way and I don’t know how to change it. I thought finally I found someone I could trust wholeheartedly but he’s gone too soon, before I even started.
Sometimes I feel like I’ll never deserve to be happy. My life is just full of heartbreak and discouragement that no matter how hard I tried, it’s never enough.
“Among all the other nights upon nights, the girl had spent that one on the boat….when it happened, the burst of Chopin…. There wasn’t a breath of wind and the music spread all over the dark boat, like a heavenly injunction whose import was unknown, like an order from God whose meaning was inscrutable. And the girl started up as if to go and kill herself in her turn, throw herself in her turn into the sea, and afterwards, she wept because she thought of the man from Cholon and suddenly she wasn’t sure she hadn’t loved him with a love she hadn’t seen because it had lost itself in the affair like water in the sand and she rediscovered it only now, through this moment of music.”
– Marguerite Duras, The Lover
Very early in my life, it was too late.
And now I know for sure that I’ve loved him, with a love I hadn’t seen because it had lost itself in everything that happened, in my complicated messy mind, in my unsaid words and feelings, in a time and situation when I wasn’t quite myself, with the only man I trusted completely and feel entirely safe when we had sex.
But it’s too late now. And in a couple of hours, in the morning, when I get up, the world is still the same. It’s a new day and I need to get up and go to work and move on with my life.
But at night, when it’s quiet, when I can hear the sound of my heart beating, missing and longing for his touch, I’m not sure if I’ll be broken again. But this time I’ll not text him or ask him if I can stay. He’s not me to keep anymore. He’s somewhere else and soon, he’ll belong to someone else. I don’t know how to say goodbye. I never do, not with my anh.
Will you miss my noisy kisses?