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Some things you can’t say to anyone but your bedroom ceiling

I think a lot about the conversations I would want to have if I saw you again. I think a lot about the things I’d tell you. I’d want to tell you that I miss you so much that it hurts sometimes. I’d want to tell you that I think about you most at night when no one but me can hear the way my breaths  still feel a little shaky every time the thought hits that I’ve spent another day without you. Sometimes I think I’m just lonely and sometimes I want to scream because I do fall for you more and more everyday and the feelings grow more and more stronger that it shocked me when you decided we should go on our own ways.

I’d want to tell you that I’m sorry that I made so many mistakes to you in the dark when we never knew if we could make it through the light. I guess we couldn’t and I’m sorry for that too. I’m sorry everything fell apart and I’m sorry that I didn’t try hard enough to open up to you. I didn’t know how to show you how much I cared and I was stupid because the way I behaved did make you think that I didn’t care that much.

I was so scared. Not only of being alone but also because I knew that I’ve lost someone that could make things work out and make them so wonderful together if we try a little harder. You said you were tired and exhausted of trying. I understand and I’m sorry for that too. Feelings are complicated and I do think that you deserve a better love. I always do and I did tell you so many times too. A sincere genuine kind of love without any lies or doubts. I’m sorry I never saw this day coming. I know that you’ve tried really hard. You said I’d never understand how you felt towards this but trust me, I’m the one who knows it best because I’ve been through it before. I was desperate and hurt and I asked myself why I still kept on trying. But I did and things did work out at the end. Even though these wasn’t a happy ending but it was another story. The story of me trying so  hard to save love gave me hope and confirmation that things would get better as long as we try hard enough. But you were too tired and I’d never blame you on that.

last time

It made me really sad thinking about the fragility of life.

“You never know the last time you’ll see a place. Or a person”.

You never know when the one you are cuddling on bed with today will turn into a stranger tomorrow.

Things will never be the same anymore and that freaks me out.

We haven’t been together that long and I never expected that it’d hurt this much to leave you and everything we had behind. It’s not the fear of giving up on someone or something you’ve been used to. It’s the fear of going pass a place and getting broken inside because of the old good memories. It’s the fear of smelling a perfume and being reminded of the way you smelled every morning before going to work. It’s the fear of eating at a restaurant and remembering the plates we ordered when we were out together. I don’t know what to call this. We never said we love each other because I know that we were both afraid. Or at least I never said I love you because I was afraid. I wasn’t sure if I deserved someone so good. I was afraid I’d fuck it up. I was afraid you’d get tired of me after some time because I wasn’t good enough for you.

– “Have you been missing me all day, anh KK?”

– “Yes, Ëm Lucy. All day, every minute, every second!”