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What am I afraid of?

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. I’m lying here with the phone in my hand and my mind is messed up with hundred if questions I couldn’t answer. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life here. I don’t know if I’m happy or miserable. I feel like I don’t feel anymore. I don’t know what stage in life I have reached. I don’t know if I’m in love or I’m pushing myself into it unconsciously and involuntarily.
I feel like a fool. Oh, I’ve been a fool before and got my heart broken but it was different to this time. I’m 23 and still dreaming that Prince Charming exists. Ha, it’s hilarious, you must think. Life is not a fairy tale and thing that disappoints me the most was that the more I tried to be faithful and honest, the more ridiculous the situation became. So, what’s the fucking point of keeping trying when you already know that it’s not gonna work? Maybe deep inside me, I still have that little hope fairy takes can happen, one day, to the ones who wait long enough. Am I wrong here? They never happen, don’t they? And they never have anyway.
Look back at everything that has happened lately, I realized that maybe everything I think and feel is just illusion. I deluded myself into a fantasy world where love and faithfulness exist. Sometimes I ask myself if what I’m getting out of this relationship worth my effort, my time and even my tears. I shouldn’t have cried that much. I should have been more happy and enjoy these years of youth without having to worry about anything. Yes, I feel like a fool right now for always being nice and caring. I should have been a careless reckless bitch and got the best man in this whole fucking world. But I preferred to be nice and see what I’ve got? Nothing but disappointment and lies.
Lying here tonight looking back at my life, u questioned myself where all my dreams have gone? Where did they go? Did they just evaporate and disappear into nothing? My beautiful endless dreams I once had and now I’m not dreaming anymore. I used to draw, and sing, and read all the time and what I’m doing right now? I’m doing nothing that makes me happy.
What am I afraid of? Life happens everyday and sometimes shit happens too. I’ve always tried to be positive and always looked at the bright side of things but then I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being lonely, of being left out, of being forgotten and unloved. Are they the reasons I’ve always chased after things I don’t actually want? Because I’m afraid of loneliness? What can a 23-year-old girl in my situation do? I don’t know. There’s not a single clue.
I once wrote on a friend’s FB page on his birthday to wish his nice life with adventures and told him to live his life to the fullest. That’s what I always want to do too: living my life to the fullest. And now, after everything that happened, I don’t see any destination I wanna go to. I no longer see myself as a girl with songs and flowers in her heart and stars in her eyes. I thought it was a part of growing up but then I realize it wasn’t. I’ve just been so wrong and blind that I didn’t see my path in life, the path that I want to go, not the one I’m destined to.
Maybe I need sometime off and think about what to do next. I’m exhausted. But people say life is good and this little hope in me will never die. I believe in tomorrow. I believe one day I’ll be love truly and wholeheartedly. I still believe so.
Don’t be afraid, little girl! You’ll be fine. Live the life you want the way you want.
Life is too short to be heartbroken for so long.
If you need to move on, do it. It’s not your fault if people lie to you or betray you. One day, you’ll find someone you can trust and love forever.
And live your life to the fullest. When I’m old and grey, I want to look back at my life and smile because I know that I’ve had a life worth living.
What are you afraid of?

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