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14.9.2014

I’m fucked up tonight. Don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to do.

It’s 1:22 in the morning. It’s a Sunday.

The wind is whining outside. It’s cold and dark.

I don’t know what to do and what to feel anymore. It seems like my life has turned into a mess now and there’s no way to save it.

Just burned out the last cigarette. A night that I won’t forget.

There’s still a bit of wine in the bottle. I wanna be drunk to forget about everything. I’m totally burned out. Tired. Fucked up.

Tomorrow maybe another day but in this very moment, I never want the morning to come. What’s wrong with me?  I used to be a different person. I wish I could be so innocent, happy and excited like I was before.

Was this the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life?

I don’t even wanna think about it.

Listening to Lana Del Rey’s “National Anthem”. Wish I could be somebody’s national anthem.

Wish one day I could say out loud that:

“Tell me I’m your national anthem.

Summer’s in the air.

Baby, heaven’s in your eyes…”

From when I started becoming this person? I don’t even know what I want. what I need in life.

I can’t trust anybody and tonight I felt like I’ve just lost something precious, someone precious that I should definitely keep in my life.

It’s too late now, I know. When the dawn comes, when he wakes up, we’ll become two strangers, like before. And it’ll be dark and lonely again.

I want the morning would never come. I don’t want to say goodbye to this person. It’s too late for anything to be said or done. I just regret that I didn’t see the person who he really was and I didn’t treat him the way he should be treated. Yes, I was a liar. I was a fucking cheater. Whatever I say or do now, it won’t matter any more. He said I’ll meet someone better, someone I’ll give my whole heart to and never lie to or cheat on. And he said he was not that one.

He’s sleeping silently on my bed, right next to me but it feels like he’s miles away. And he’ll be gone tomorrow when the morning comes. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Things happened so fast that I couldn’t even react to it.

I don’t know since when I became the person I am today. I wish we met a year before. I wish he showed me that there were someone loving me genuinely so I wouldn’t become the person I’m today, the person I disgusted. I wish I knew there were a person that cared for me that much that I’ll be able to open my heart to let him in without the fear of being betrayed.

It’s too late for anything to be said and done anyway.

Should I just come back with the life I was living? The life of parties, of finding temporary joy in drinking, of one-night-stands, of men that come and go after one night. I gave up looking for a love that lasts a lifetime and it came when I expected it the least. Maybe it’s destiny. Maybe this time life taught me a lesson. A lesson of give and take. And it also reminds me of my ultimate dream of having a family of my own with a man who loves me wholeheartedly and our beautiful kids. A dream that has long been forgotten due to so many heartbreaks and too much expectation and disappointment.

I’ll remember this.

Tonight and all that happened.

What will happen tomorrow when we wake up? How will I feel?

I’m scared. I’m lost.

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