It’s officially over. I don’t know what to say. I was speechless at the moment I found out the truth. I guess I’ve never been good enough. Always too moody, too emotionally unstable, too reckless and crazy. I sighed. I cried in silent. And then I let it go. I let you go so life will be easier and better for you. Yes, she can give you what I can’t. You’d better be with her than staying with a girl like me.
I remembered when we said good bye for the last time and you said: “Let’s see what life brings us”. Those might be the last words I heard from you. And then I wished you a nice and happy life. You said nothing.
It was a nice house. A good place for young family. You’re trying to fit in. You’re trying to change to be a happy responsible family man. The moment I entered the bathroom, a small yet tidy lovely place, a thought crossed my mind. I thought that would be wonderful if this was our house and you and I could live together here. I could make you breakfast. We could lie on bed all day on a Sunday, do nothing but talk to each other, watch movies and eat pizzas. Sadly, it wasn’t our house. And you’ll never become my man.
I think it’s destiny. Even though I’m not a superstitious person, I still believe that everything happens for a reason and every person we meet in our life comes for a reason. Maybe we’re not meant to be together and I have to accept the truth. I can’t do anything to change it. And even if I do something, it would only make things worse, not better so I chose to go and stay away. That’s the only thing I can do.
It’s 6:36. What were we doing this time on Saturday? I think we were probably finding parking for the rugby game. You took me to Eden Park and it was the first time I’ve been to a rugby game. I was so excited for going to the game and I was also excited to see you again on that day. I got excited every time I saw you anyway. It’s sad, isn’t it? We had a good day. Hanging around together, having dinner at a Thai restaurant in Dominion Road and then went to the game. I was so happy and delighted and I thought “Wow, it’s such a wonderful day!”. I didn’t know it was the last time we saw each other. My heart still aches but I don’t allow myself to sit there and cry over the pain. I have no time for that. I’m too busy to get hurt. I have a million things to do. It’s good though. It helps me not to think about you. It also helps me not to feel sorry for myself. I told you that I’m a tough person but yesterday, when I was in a break at work thinking about the time we had together, I almost cried and I didn’t know why but I felt like I couldn’t breathe. All the energy had had left me and I felt empty than ever. I’ve never felt anything like that before. Having a broken heart is like having a broken rib. No one sees it but it hurts every time I breathe.
I’m writing this to remind me of today – the first day not having you in my life anymore. I’ll see what life brings us. We have to wait. But I do hope that you’re happy. I really do.
“I heard that you’re settled down
That you found a girl and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”
The game we’ve been to.
I was extremely happy. I smiled a lot. You put your arm over my waist. I put my head on your shoulder.
I bought you a Coke.
We shared the box of mixed nuts.
You explained the rules of the game to me.
You said you liked me. I asked you to repeat it and you didn’t.
We never know what will happen, do we?
I hope this is the last time I write about you. It was all my fault. It was my fault for being blind, being silly, being a fool in love. It was my fault so now I’m paying for what I’ve done wrong. I let you become my happiness and that’s where I went wrong.
How long before I’m just a memory?