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Lunar New Year

I just finished a long Skype talk with my family back in Vietnam. Today is our New Year Eve as we celebrate the Lunar New Year and everybody is getting ready for it. We call it “Tet”, the lovely familiar word reminding me of the happy times I spent with my loved ones once a year. It’s the time when everybody try to get out of their busy daily schedules to come back and reunite with their families. It’s the time when people clean and decorate their houses, cook traditional food together and gather to talk and share everything that happened in a year. I remember when I was little, Tet always meant a lot to me and today, even when I have become a grown up woman, I always wish I could come back to live in those olden days again to get all the special feelings when Tet comes.
My grandparents, my parents and my kid brother gathered in front of the computer screen and everybody wanted to talk to me, to ask how I celebrate Tet in New Zealand and wish me good lucks in the new year. I was not able to go back to spend the special precious time with them this year and I’ve been quite upset about it lately but today, after the long lovely conversation with my family, I’m not sad anymore. They’re always by my side. I’m not forgotten. Conversely, everybody cares a lot for me and my grandmother told me again and again that I must come back this time next year. I made her promise that she’ll be doing well during the year and wait for me. My granddad saw me on Skype and told me that I looked prettier and skinnier, which is good because he so wanted me to get a boyfriend. Oh my beloved grandpa!
Another year has gone by.
A new year is coming.
Spring is knocking on the door.
Peach blossoms are blooming.
I wish everybody a year that is full of love, health and happiness. I now understand the enormous importance of family. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, for constantly supporting me and for never letting me down. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful family! I love you all!
Happy New Year!

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Damn you, period!!!! Agrhhhhhhhh

I didn’t mean to publicize this private thing of mine but I just can’t help myself. Premenstrual tension seems to turn me into a totally different person and I hardly understand how I could be so snappy and grumbly and super super emotional. It’s like one minute I feel relaxed and happy and then the next I become all upset and melancholy for no reason. I worked today and it seemed like the longest working day ever. My body ached. My tummy ached. We were so busy. I did not want to move but it’s impossible not to move while working so things became worse. Today was only the first day of my period and the second day is always the worst. Save me please! I don’t want to work tomorrow. I only want to stay at home, have fruits and hot drinks with me, lie down on my bed and  hold my soft pillow. I want to have someone to talk on the phone too. Just a casual pointless conversation with someone, anyone. He never rings me on the phone. He said he doesn’t like calling. He prefer texts but I would really love it if he called me out of the blue and said something nice and sweet. He never does though. He’s not that type of person *sigh*. However, it doesn’t cost a dime to dream so… *sigh again*. Or maybe I should stop dreaming and look right at the fact that we’re nothing to each other. Sometimes I think to myself “Why don’t you just be upfront and tell him everything you want him to know?”. But then I know I would never do so because I’m the type of person who will miss him to death but won’t do anything about it because I don’t want to seem like the needy desperate one.

My bloody period.

Bloody. Oh no. It sounds disgusting.

I wanna be able to cuddle with somebody and watch movies under blankets and eat junk food and tell them I love them without any hesitation. I want them to hold my hand and I want them to tell me everything is going to be alright and having period is not the end of the world and I should be proud of being a girl and bla bla bla. Ha, I’m becoming all silly now.

My stomach aches. I’m not sure if it was my stomach or other part of my body but it’ll definitely cause me a sleepless night tonight. I can never have a good sleep during the period. Damn it! I’m working 7 days a week and I need good sleeps. It’s not easy being a girl. I already knew when I had my first period. I still remember clearly the night I had it for the first time. I went to the bathroom to get change and looked at myself in the mirror, my face was twisted with pain and irritation and I sighed heavily because I knew from that moment, I will have to start facing many problems with growing up physically and emotionally and I understood it’s not gonna be easy.

I’m so looking forward to going back to uni. Another 5 weeks till the new semester starts. I received a call from a staff of the Student Center yesterday and he asked me if I would be able to attend the Orientation Day for Communication Studies undergraduates on 24th of Feb so apparently, I have to ask for a day off to go there. I’m working so hard in hopes of saving up some money for my upcoming academic year as seemingly, the text books would cost me a fortune and I never want to ask my parents for those costs because they already help me to pay my tuition fee. It’s hard to be financially independent while I’m still a student. Most of my friends in Vietnam has graduated and got good jobs now. Apart from some of my friends who are really good and working for NGOs or the national television stations, the others at least already started working somewhere and became independent. When is my turn? Moved to a strange country and started everything all over again. Was that a big mistake that I made? Things could be better or could be worse. I always tell myself that. The most important thing is I’m happy with what I’ve done and what I’m doing. People love me and they encourage me a lot. I’ll step forward no matter how big the storms waiting me ahead.

Dear period,

Can you just stop being so painful and annoying because I wanted to write and there were so many ideas coming to my mind a couple of minutes ago and now they’re all gone. They’re wiped away so quickly that now I have no clue what I was thinking of a minute ago. Agrhhhhh. Whatever! I hope this symptom is only a temporary one that happens during the period. I’m getting emotional again.

Talk soon.

😦

mermaids

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tore me up

And at the same time, I wish things between us never happened.

Could I have been a different person if we never met?

It tore me up not having you.

And it tore me up having you for a second then knowing that you’d never belong to me.

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Fleurs et un vase (Hope I got it right)

Listening to Chopin and drawing.

A part of me wanted to go out, maybe go to a movie or simply go out for a drink, stay with someone for the night so we can talk, laugh, cuddle and fall asleep together. The other part of me wanted to smoke and listen to something sad and heavy and perhaps cry a bit after but I decided to quit smoking so I won’t do it anymore. I never smoked a lot anyway, only did when I drank or when I got emotional. This part of me is sitting here, listening to classical music, drawing and blogging pretty much at the same time. I’m not talented or anything. I draw because I like doing it and because drawing sets me free of stress and worrying and somehow it saves me from the dull reality. So does classical music. Most of my friends have no idea what it is and some of them call it “gay music”. I just smiled and did not try to explain.

I usually listen to Chopin late at night or in rainy days. There’s no particular reason for it. I just feel like listening to his music in those backgrounds.

Chopin’s music and Van Gogh’s paintings.

The Starry Night.

I don’t know if it was a starry night tonight. It’s still getting chilly at night even though it’s in the middle of the summer. Imagine we had Van Gogh’s night sky above our heads. The sky in the painting with the stars and the splendid moon. The beauty of the galaxies and the universe under the eyes of an artist.

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I just completed my drawing too. A couple of flowers. I don’t even know what these flowers’ name is. Peonies, maybe.

Fleurs et un vase.

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The man who can’t be moved

The song I listened to almost every night while studying for exams when I was 17. Back to that time, I was a high school girl whose one and only purpose in life was getting a seat in some university, any university. You could never imagine how difficult it was to get into the universities in my country and to me – the younger me, the 17 year-old me, my life would be over if I did not pass the national university entrance exam. Seriously, it was a brutal fight among students that I was not allowed to fail. However, every evening, sitting quietly at my desk and pretending to read book or do homework, I secretly plugged the headphones into an old black radio and listened to the music channel. Oh my dear radio. Radio. Oh my God. It was only about 5 years ago but it feels like that object (the radio) existed hundred years ago and has been totally forgotten nowadays. I miss it. My old radio. My auntie initially bought it to learn English and when she went abroad, she gave it to me. It was such a big property to me at the time as I never owned anything nice and expensive. I had never had a cell phone until I was 18. My parents had no idea what I was doing. They thought I was studying, revising my homework but to a 17 year-old teenager, who loved music more than the boring school’s curriculum, I was so tired of being pushed by adults. Music seemed to be the only escape.

I passed the exam and was accepted by a very well-known university. My parents were so proud. I was surprised. But I will never forget the evenings of the age 17, when I listened to the songs on radio, next to the window opened and my mind wandered around.

“Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I’m not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am

Some try to hand me money, they don’t understand
I’m not broke I’m just a broken-hearted man
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do
How can I move on when I’m still in love with you

‘Cause if one day you wake up and find that you’re missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet
And you’d see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I’m not moving
I’m not moving”

Listened to the song tonight, I wish I was 17 again. I wish I was at home again, in my room. My tiny little room with the tiny little bed. And my old radio. My favorite music channel. My first cell phone. The old Ericsson phone. Night texts with the school boy I liked. Life was exciting. My heart was full of hope and love. My face was brightened with smiles.

Why don’t I try to be 17 again? Become innocent again. Become happy and excited again. Is it too late?

r u

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Note in a sleepless night

2.35 am
My eyes are tired.
Lying on bed and thinking.
1Q84. The book I’m reading at the moment. I read every night before going to sleep. It’s a good book. I haven’t finished it yet but this kind of book is my favourite. The author describes his characters’s feelings in an amazingly exact way. It feels like I’m actually the person who lives in that world. Events from childhood. The age of innocence. Thoughts. Heartache.
Nothing really matters.
The wind still blows.
Perhaps one day when I get old, I’ll be looking back at my young days and all the feelings and memories could warm up my heart.
One night, when I was in my early 20’s, I was with man that I wasn’t sure if I loved. But when we kissed and I touched his back with my hand, I suddenly thought to myself: “This is amazing. Touching somebody. Feeling the warmth and the honesty.” And in that very moment, I could see a flash of love between the two human beings, two bodies, the two souls.
And then I felt really sad. I didn’t know why. Something unbearable stuck in my chest. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Sometimes, crying is the only way to escape. It’s not a perfect complete escape but at least it gives you a tiny little hole to suck some air in. If you don’t cry, you’d probably be crushed into small pieces.
Thinking of all the stars and the universe. Or universes. Why am I here? Where am I going? What am I supposed to do?
I had a short nap before and I saw my granddad. He’s getting real old now but in my dream, he still looked good, going out with his friends on his birthday or some anniversaries. He made food for the home party and I ate them happily. He’s always been an important person in my life. It scares me to death thinking about the day I have to say the final goodbye to him. It’s the last thing I want to happen. More than a grandfather, he’s my friend, my childhood, my love, my inspiration. I acted crazy when I was a teenager. And now I’m not home to take care of him. Be well, granddad. I love you more than anything. And I want to make you so proud. I want you to know that you little granddaughter will grow up and become a very fine person. I want you to see my success, and my happiness. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. I love you!

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