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A few moments

I find it hard to sleep tonight. I’ve been watching a series of the most famous and expensive paintings in the world on YouTube but I still couldn’t get sleepy. Well, then I opened the photo gallery on my phone and an idea came up in my mind. Why don’t I save all the photos which represent little moments in my life and put them together in a collection because basically our lives are made up of million of moments. Some of them are remembered but some are forgotten. That’d be fantastic if one day, when I get older and more mature and accidentally browse a photo album with all the little photos and their cute unique captions, who would say that I couldn’t get overjoyed or possibly burst into tears as I would feel like I just find a piece of my life that is believed to be lost but then found again.
So I call it the “Moments of my life” project. And temporarily, this blog will be the place where I store my collection 🙂 My collection will be here until I find a better place for it. Does it sound very dumb?? Well, who gives a f***??? LOL.
Hmm, I’ll start with a photo which I took a couple of week ago at my uni. My group was meeting in a chill-out room to discuss about our seminar for one of the papers and while I was absentmindedly listening to a friend’s rehearsal, I looked up and realized that spring had come and everything seemed to bloom and express their beauties and freshness. I love trees and green and blue sky and fresh air and everything that comes from nature. And honestly, I was amazed and speechless in that moment I saw the scene. It was simply beautiful and gorgeous. It was like I went through all the dark gloomy days with storms and rains just to see this moment of beauty. And it was worth it!

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My birthday. It was on a Sunday. October 13th. I went out the night before with my cousin and her new friend. We went to a bar, had a couple of drinks then they drove me home after that. I didn’t get any excited or happy at all as I always felt like it wasn’t right that I was turning 22. I was quite upset actually. Ahhhh it’s so weird. There was nothing to be upset about but I just felt like being 21 forever and I was paranoid that once I got to the age of 22 then it’ll take me something like a blink then I’ll turn 30. That’s why I was terrified. I also was terrified partly because I thought of myself as a girl who has nothing in her hand: no good job, an incomplete education (actually it’s still in progress), no boyfriend, no close family, etc. but then I comforted myself that I’m on my way to all the good things and I’m trying my best to achieve what I want in my life. No pain, no gain.
So, back to the story of my birthday, I was still working on that day even though it was a Sunday and especially it was my birthday. No one seemed to notice or know about it. I wasn’t so sad because I had been working there for only about 2 months and my workmates didn’t know me so well because I only did 1-2 days a week. It was understandable though. And then, at the end of the day, when I was about to close the studio and go home, there was a cute boy who worked as a receptionist in the hotel where I worked, walking into the studio and started to talk to me. He was sweet and funny. I thought he was a bit gay but that was absolutely fine. I love gay people. They’re always sweeties. We had a nice conversation and he told me that he saw me a couple of times before but we hadn’t had any chance to introduce ourselves to each other officially so this might be a good opportunity. And I told him that it was my birthday today and suddenly he walked away and came back after few minutes with a small box and a bow on the top. “Here’s a little present for ya!!”. I was so surprised and could only say thank to him before he walked out of the door again. That night, when I got home exhausted with my sore feet after a long walk, I received a lot of birthday wishes both on my Facebook wall and my phone messages. My dad called me when I was on the bus home but my battery went flat so I couldn’t talk to him, which was quite a shame! Anyway, I’m now 22 and I understand that I can’t be 21 forever, which also means I need to grow up and stop behaving in a childlike way. I need to be more mature and responsible too. Ok, I’m still learning and I hope I’ll be a bright student 😀 At the end of the day, there are always people who love me and care for me. I’ll never be alone. Never.

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Sometimes I think I can go absolutely crazy with all the ideas in my head that always wait for the right moments to explode and I feel quite cool about it. I mean I’m proud to say I’m not a boring one. Ok I could be crazy, I could be creative, I could be different but no, I hate being boring. And because I hate being a boring person, I just try not to be one. I went out shopping with Jess yesterday and I found this wig in one of the hair shop then I decided to buy it because it was cheap and look at it, it was impressive. I wore it right away and people kept looking at me like they never saw an Asian girl with long curly frizzy hairstyle and bright lips before. I called it “My Bohemian style”. OMG, I was deeply in love with the look. I felt like I could be a rockstar or biker or a backpacker with a careless nomadic life. I don’t care whether people like it or find it attractive. I love this look and that’s enough!!!

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This week, I’ve been staying at home all day doing nothing worthwhile but watching some Korean dramas, eating chocolate and doing some reading. I went swimming today and it was the first time after a long time I hadn’t gone swimming. It was a nice experience, a little bit awkward though. I didn’t have a proper swimming suit and I did wear an old bikini that my cousin gave me last year and there was a woman who kept staring at me as if I was a kind of alien or something like that. Whatever! But I think I need to purchase a new swimming suit and some colorful bikinis too in case I go swimming in the sea, or go sunbathing! 😛
Tonight, I turned on the lava lamp on my makeup table because every time I do so, it magically cheers me up a lot.
A lava lamp.
A few perfume bottles.
And I suddenly got lost in the wonderland.
In my very own room.

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So one more photo and this will be the last one of today. I’ll be brief. It’s just a picture from Tumblr. I find it quite right so I want to put it in here. Good night!!! Love ya muahhhhh xx

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Just another meaningless post. Don’t read if you don’t want to bhahaha

Well, I can’t sleep. Obviously, it’s what happens to everybody after they spend all day on bed, doing nothing but watching movies and sleeping. So it’s 12:08am and I’m still wide awake. The room is spotless as I cleaned it up 2 days ago and everything looks tidy and lovely and I had sprayed some Chloe perfume on before I came and sit comfortably on my bed. I’m feeling so refreshed. It puts a big smile on my face even though now it’s supposed to be sleeping time. Ah, and I put on an amazing facial mask on this evening and now my skin feels great. I should have taken care of my skin more often. Summer is here but it’s still a bit chilly at night and I still leave my heater on for a couple of hours as I’m never able to stand the coldness.

Hmm, this note is about nothing in particular. I’m writing just because I’ve got nothing exciting to do and I can’t sleep. Of course, apparently there’s nothing amusing to do at this time especially when I’m single and alone (LOL). So I decided I would write something.

My semester officially finishes at the end of this week but actually I don’t have to go to uni anymore because I submitted my essay last week and I only have 2 other assignments to complete, which I can do online so I’m not bothered going to the library. I have my Internet at home. Ha, apparently, things are going quite alright. I’m reading a book called “Sons for the return home” by Albert Wendt and I need to write a review on the book as it’s a part of my final assignment for APR paper. I haven’t finished reading it yet but generally it’s quite an easy book to read, yet a good one that reflects many problems happened to a young migrant boy to New Zealand in the 60’s. It’s about a love story too, between the Samoan boy and a Pakeha (white) girl. Their love is deep, passionate, and crazy. I’d love to experience a love life that sometime in my life. That’d be unforgettable.

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While reading the book, I thought of my parents. It’s weird but the story reminds me of them even though there’s no similarity between my parents and the couple in the book but they’re both young and carefree. My parents didn’t have to face problems like the young couple did in the story such as racism, the differences in cultures, mindsets, etc, the discrimination against marriage between people from different races. I was reading and imagining that my parents, when they were young, also had a passionate love like that and it triggered my curiosity as a daughter, I always only look at my parents as they’re as loving and caring as any other parents. I never thought of how they might think or feel or live when they were my age. That’d be fascinating to know about. Maybe before they become parents, they had a very fun youthful time when they lived their lives to the fullest and didn’t care what might happen tomorrow but finally fate led them to where they are supposed to be today. At least they had the time of their lives and I think they didn’t regret it. Then I thought of myself. I’m only 22 and I get desperate so often and I can’t open my heart to accept things and to be happy with it. I mean, I wish I could be spontaneous and do things I truly want like texting someone randomly to tell him that I miss him or breaking the rules or getting out of this place to go to somewhere unknown. I know I’m insecure and too weak to take an adventure but I also know that I have to beat procrastination to do it one day. Awwwww, this makes me overthink again. Not tonight please. I want to have a restful night and a super good sleep. I deserve it after nearly 4 months of working nonstop and having no day off.

I’d better stop here. I’m getting a bit sleepy now, thanks to the writing. Well, apparently this is a meaningless post but I decide to publish it anyway. Hope to see you guys next time! I promise I’ll contribute something a lot more valuable and worth reading. LMAO! Good night XD

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Night

Sometimes, in the middle of a lonely night, I try not to sleep because I feel like if I fall asleep, I would possibly die in my dreams. I try to cling on to the deep darkness of the night without knowing what I am doing. I feel like if I let go of it, I would be swiped by a current in they middle of the ocean. And I’ll be drowned, pushed down to the bottom of the dark sea, where I can’t see or hear anything…

sink

 

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Things I love

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Books

Staying in the room in a rainy day with a cozy blanket, a cup of herbal tea/hot chocolate, a book or a good movie. Music too.

Wearing sunglasses and feeling like a superstar

Red lipsticks

Playing with my hair when it is newly dried, still really smooth and silky

Tumblr

Writing blogs

Cozy fluffy sweaters in winter

French music

My lava lamp

Perfumes

Earrings

Coins

Moustaches

Cute photos

Drawing

Stars

There are so many more. I just can’t think of them at the moment. Nite nite!! xx

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Oh Ava…

“Mais Ava, il ne te prend que pour une naive

Quand il t’embrasse, tu reprends vie

Mais lui il loue son lit

Oh, l’aime si tu veux, mais son rire laisse une trace

Et, des blessures, tu peux renaitre si tu t’arraches

De ses mots, de promesses, de mensonges qui blessent

Mais ne sors pas si tu souffres, mon Ava”

(But Ava, he just thinks you’re a fool

When he kisses you, you feel like living again

But he’s really just renting his bed

Oh, love him if you like, but his laughter leaves a mark

And you can rise from your wounds if you tear yourself

Away from his hurtful words, promises and lies

But don’t go out if you’re hurting, oh my Ava)

***

I came home late tonight, had a couple of drinks and started thinking about you and the time we were together. I got really sad. My friend told me to text you and tell you that I miss you but I dare not to do so. I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid that you already forget me. I’m afraid that if I called you, you might be with someone else and that would turn into an awkward situation.  I was so foolish. I should have told you earlier.

There’s nothing for me to do I guess. I’m writing because I’m missing you terribly and I need to do something to prevent me from crying. I don’t want to see myself looking miserable with tears rolling down my cheeks. Yes, I’m stubborn. And arrogant. And hard to love. I don’t want to be an Ava, like the girl in the song. I don’t know what I might think tomorrow morning when I wake up. I hate myself sometimes for being so organized and boring and unspontaneous. I hate myself for never letting me express what I truly think or feel. I’m not a plastic doll. I’m not a soulless machine. I don’t know why I could bear this sadness for so long. All I want to do now is ring you up, no matter if you’re already sleeping, to tell you that I’ve always been missing you since the day you went away and I always want to be back into your arms like I was in the old days.

But I’m not doing anything. My self-esteem is too high. I hate myself for that. And I hate you too. I hate you for never telling me if you actually love me or it was just a joke you made.

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I let myself slowly float in the ocean of emotions.

Another night.

Should I forget everything about us and start all over again?

Or should I keep dreaming about the day we meet again?

You and I.

We’re living in one city and I feel like you’re million miles a way from me.

Space.

Distance.

Your mind.

My heart.

Us.

One day.

I don’t know. It seems so silly. People are gonna laugh at me for being stupid. But it’s the way I am. I just don’t want to be Ava. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore.

Oh, Ava.

Love him if you want.

But his laughter leaves a mark.

Not in your skin.

Not in your hand.

But in your heart

Oh Ava.