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Little confusion

My birthday is coming, well let see, in about 2 weeks and I was like “What? Am I turning 22? This is impossible. I can’t be that old. No, I didn’t mean “old” but 22 is something too much for me to bear. I mean I’m not ready yet”. OK, so every year, at this time, when my birthday is just around the corner, I always get this kind of feeling, the Wait-I-am-not-ready-for-it-yet feeling and sometimes I got so emotional that I even wanted to crush myself into small pieces as I couldn’t stand the pressure of getting old while I still have a lot to do (I don’t know if this makes any sense). There are so much that happened in one year and as i looked back to the time of a year ago, I could see that my life was so much different from what it is right now.

I don’t know for sure what I am doing and what I really want for my life. I’m like a person who is standing in the crossroad with no clear idea of a direction or destination. I’ve changed a lot. I become more complicated, a bit more humble and I can obviously see that I’m gradually turning from a girl into a grown woman, not a completely mature lady but I’m getting there. I always want to be loved and I’ve tried to love and forgive as much as I can. It’s just that life is so difficult sometimes and I find myself so soft and fragile. I don’t know if what i experienced can be called “love” but my feelings were true, my emotions were genuine and all I wanted to do was to give that person my whole heart. Unfortunately, he did not realize how true I was and he decided to walk away, which was pretty sad but I’m moving on and keeping my life on track: doing things I like, studying as it’s always been what I want to do, working hard to pay my bills (life isn’t only about enjoying because reality does exist), trying my best to find things that inspire me and guide me to become a better person.

I don’t know when I will meet my fate. Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps never. I just try to enjoy every single day of my life and treasure everything as much as I can because if I’m still be able to sit here and type these lines then I’m already luckier than many others. I’ll not complain about anything. I’m only thinking of the dress I’m wearing to class tomorrow and the cherry red lipstick that goes with it. The thought already cheers me up. The weather may not be great as it’s raining hard outside but we never know. It might be a beautiful sunny day tomorrow when I wake up in the morning. Well, no matter how the weather will be like, I’m wearing that black dress, and my funky stockings, and my gorgeous lipstick.

And I’ll remember to love myself even more because I’m a good girl and I deserve it! Muahhhhhhhhh!

Say “Hello” to the world!

HELLO 🙂

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Wonderful world

Going back to school today after 2 week mid-term break. Feeling a bit weird n I don’t know why. The weather is gradually changing to summer, which is great. I purchased a cute funky pair of sandals last week and I’m wearing them today. They look like the pair of sandals I had when I was 5 😀
Saw this song on a classmate’s blog and love this version. Enjoy! Whatever happens, the world is still a wonderful place to be in!

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30 Quotes That Will Rip Apart The Way You See Your Life

Thought Catalog

“To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking.” ― Jon Kabat-Zinn
“Life is, in fact, a battle. Evil is insolent and strong; beauty enchanting, but rare; goodness very apt to be weak; folly very apt to be defiant; wickedness to carry the day; imbeciles to be in great places, people of sense in small, and mankind generally unhappy. But the world as it stands is no narrow illusion, no phantasm, no evil dream of the night; we wake up to it, forever and ever; and we can neither forget it nor deny it nor dispense with it.” ― Henry James
“Love opens the doors into everything, as far…

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11.27pm

It’s 11.27 at night

I am listening to song that reminds me of how beautiful your eyes were

Yes, they WERE

Because I don’t see them anymore

“Tell him

Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes

Reach out to him”

I wish I had told you how much I felt for you and how much I wanted you to be with me right here right now

Today I accidentally put on the old perfume I used every time being with you

And it made me sad, deeply sad

It has been a while now

I’ve been trying so hard

I’ve been studying, working, doing things till I get exhausted

Without you, I thought it would be easy for me to forget you and start something new, with someone new

I was wrong

At nights, I still think of how your hands tenderly put on my waist

Then you gently kissed me on my neck

I trembled every time you did

And I still tremble whenever thinking of you

I’m sure you’ll never know about these lines

My stupid confession at night, when four walls surround me and loneliness has found me

I know you never truly loved me

I know to you, I was just a replacement kind of thing

I’m writing, only for me, only because I miss you

Maybe one day this loneliness will leave me alone

It will set me free

And I will be able to feel for someone like I did for you

But not tonight

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Spring has come!!!

After a long winter, spring has come, eventually! It puts a big smile on everybody’s faces seeing blooming flowers and breathing in the fresh air filled with spring scents. After a long winter. There were nights when the wind was so cold and I wrapped myself in the blanket, tried not to cry with loneliness but then still burst into tears. There were gloomy days when the sky was grey and I wished I was with someone, hugging each other and talking or simply just drinking a cup of hot tea together. This morning, I was on the way to work, walking along the small road to the bus stop and was attracted to these beautiful little daisies.  Seeing the lovely wildflowers extremely boosted my mood that I felt so much happy and refreshed. They reminded me that life is still a beautiful place and happiness can be found even in the littlest things. And then when I was at work, I received emails from my university notifying me of the offer of place for the coming course that I’ve applied a while ago. I was happy. Yes, I truly was because taking that course is what I always want to do. Bachelor of Communication Studies. I’ll try my best. I’ve been working really hard and I’ll continue doing so. Give me strength and faith and I can do anything. And I can conquer my dreams. I can travel the world. I can meet people and I can find someone. Yes. We’ve only just begun.

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“Here comes the sun (doo doo doo doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It’s all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes”

Here comes the sun and I say everything will be good 🙂

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April

A Vietnamese song that I translated into English. I kept listening to it the whole evening and was touched by the lyrics and the melody and its softness, its beauty. It reminded me of my first love, the most innocent one that only happens once in a lifetime.

“April comes

The wind starts singing a summer song. The turquoise blue sky

The clouds are far away

The sunlight is far far away

The clouds are soft and puffy

The sunlight tenderly streamed through the trees

I’ve been waiting and I’ll always be

I’ll always be waiting for you.

Dreams

I’m dreaming of the wild flowers on the winding pathways

We were together, just the two of us

Then it reminds me of those red pomegranate flowers

We said goodbye to the spring days.

A summer is coming.

…”

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Stay positive

Even though there are many things that upset me and if I’m not strong enough, I would probably just sit down and sob, I still hope I could always stay positive and look at the bright side of life. I’ve been through a difficult time: studying hard to get at least B- average to get in the course I want, working my asses off with 2 jobs to get enough money to pay for everything, being lonely and having some kind of emotional crisis, etc.  Sometimes I thought of giving up then I slapped myself for being silly. No, I can’t give up. Never. I just need to sit down, let it all out, maybe sob or weep or scream or do whatever makes me feel better then stand up and start everything all over again.

Buddha

This is why I love Buddhism. Hope is the answer for every question when I’m desperate. Thinking of a better result, of a bright future, of deserving good things, of having happiness for always trying hard, of gaining both good and bad experiences and becoming a better person.

Hope.

Then one day I’ll be loved.