I am here, in my room, listening to a classical playlist by Franz Schubert while surfing the net and thinking to myself what I should do make the night less boring. I’ve lost many hobbies through the past couple of years and I have never felt so boring like this in my whole life. No, I am feeling empty. Yes, “empty” is the exact word to describe what I am feeling right now. It is like there is nothing to live for and nothing to crave for. I run out of the desire and inspirations and ambition. Everything has gone mysteriously without a trace. I no longer collect little cute things. I no longer read a book throughout the night and not able to sleep as that book is too good to stop reading. I still read sometimes but it has been a while that I have not read something worthwhile. I started a new hobby though. I draw. I used to draw a lot when I was a kid and now I want to draw again. I’ve got me a drawing book and I draw anything I feel like to. However, it does not help a lot to make me feel better. Somehow I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. I am easy to get emotional crisis. I am easy to fall into an isolated world. Everything does not seem as bright and exciting as they were before. The annoying thing about it is I have no idea what makes me feel this way. It is like I sink into a deep coma without being able to wake up. I am 21 and I never want my life will end up being boring and useless. It is the last thing on Earth I want but then I have no idea how to get out of it. There are so many unexpected thing happening. I am in many levels of emotions: fear, anger, insecurity, etc. There is no more excitement or happiness.
I’m in a dark room. No fresh air. No sunlight.
I don’t know how to be cheerful again.
I was about to read a book before going to sleep. I have my day off tomorrow. I’ve been reading half of that book then I did not feel so enthusiastic to finish it.
It’s a Bach’s playlist on now. Nice.
Growing up is a tiring process. It requires too much effort. How I miss the summer nights I was lying in a hammock out the balcony, enjoying the cold breeze and listening to some pieces of music. I was totally free and relaxed. There was no worry. There was no stress. I felt like I was the happiest person in the world. I had a family. I was in the house, safe and sound and there would be no one or nothing could harm me.
How long has it since I had that feeling for the last time? I do not remember. I can’t.
I take everything in life as it comes. Life, to me, is always full of surprises. Things will not happen the way we expect. I try to be optimistic. I try to look at the bright side of things. But then growing up means you know about the dark sides of things too and you may get disappointed. It is like finding out that your childhood hero is actually just an ordinary man or the princesses you used to adore when you was a little girl are actually not as perfect as you thought they were.
Then what are we supposed to do? Cry? Scream out? Run away from the reality? No, we can’t do that. Why? Because there is so much to do in life than just wasting your time complaining about things and being blue. And even if things do not get better, keep trying. Try until the day they get better. Even if there is no one beside you to tell you that everything will be ok, tell yourself that everything will definitely be ok as long as you are alive.
I had a job interview today, working part time as a staff member in a food and beverage store. On the way home, I went shopping and bought a glitter lamp. It is an amazing thing. Beautiful. Sparkly. It has a tube with liquid inside and when I turn the light on, the small glittery pieces move up and down in that liquid, making an incredible kind of light in the wall around it. It brings me back to my childhood. I always love sparkly things. I dreamed that when I grew up, I would live in a house with walls made of colorful stained glass. I love the world of colors. The lamp was put next to my perfume bottles. Those bottles look like a group of beautiful girls performing in the stage, which is lightened by a magic lamp. They are all quiet and concentrated on their roles. They shine in all different ways. Elegant and somehow classy. This moment is great. I can lie here and watch them forever. It is a wonderful world, right here, in my very own room.
It is happiness, isn’t it?
Yes, it is.
Yes, I found a little happiness right here, in little things that I enjoy.
A glitter lamp. A table with my perfume bottles and lipsticks and earrings and hair brushes, etc all over on it. A picture I haven’t finished drawing. New pajamas I am wearing on me. A quiet night with good music.
Then a good book.
It is getting cold now. But I know I am safe and sound in my room with my bed and my cozy blanket and all the familiar things in here. I am here, alone. But I do not feel lonely.
I know that someday I’ll have someone being with me to talk to every night.
I know that love is becoming more rare and expensive but one day I’ll be loved truly, deeply, madly.
I know that even though sometimes I seem to be lost in this world, the light in my heart will always guide me home.
And I wish I could be like the glitter lamp, always shine beautifully even in the darkest night.