Still you

It has been nearly a year since the night I saw you for the first time. Everything is still so vivid in my memory. I don’t know you. You don’t now me either. We do not live in the same world. I was so naive and maybe somehow a bit weird to you. Perhaps you always thought that I was making fun of you or I was doing it for a dare. How could a girl with that outlook be serious and straight? You always thought of me that way, didn’t you? I was not sad because you didn’t text me back or because you never said anything to me eventhough I texted you everynight in 4 months just to tell you good night. I was not sad because you didn’t realize how often I glanced at you when I saw you there. I knew that you did notice. You stared at me too. I was happy, truly happy as I knew you saw me in the crowd. The only thing that disappointed me was your doubtfulness. It ruined everything. You never believed my words. I said I liked you very much and you thought I was kidding you. Why didn’t you open your heart, just once then let it show you what you really feel, what you really want. You chose the safe side. You may be safe with that choice but then you’ll never know how it feels when you are with someone who cares for you that much.

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I’m not blaming. It’s nobody’s fault.
But I still miss you. How can I escape from memories about you? It haunts me sometimes whenever I think about how hard I tried to get your attention, about your smile, about your face which I wanted to put my kisses on so bad.
I used to think about you all the time. I used to wish to wake up in the morning next to you, make you breakfast, prepare clothes and lunch for you to work. I wanted to talk to you, to tell you my stories and all my secrets. I wished to open your heart and stay there till the end of time. I would put my head on your shoulder, listen to you telling me how your day at work was. And I wanted to love you. That was all I wanted to do. But they seem so out of reach now. You may forget me already but I’m still missing you. I know I need to keep going on with my life and I’m gonna meet someone new in the future. I have to forget you. It’s the hardest part because it hurts. We’ll never belong to each other. I’ll never have chance to share my life with you. We’ll never have endless happy moments as a couple like I once expected. We’re, in fact, just two strangers in a crowded world, where love is becoming too hard to find. We’re tiny, doubtful and vulnerable. You dare not believe what I felt for you was real. I wasn’t confident enough to step out to fight for what I wanted. We dare not take an adventure and at the end, we’ve got nothing but boring tasteless lives.

“I wanna run to you
But if I come to you,
Tell me will you stay or will you run away?”

After all, I’m still a girl looking for someone to love. Somebody told me that: “The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain”. I felt pain when I found out I couldn’t do anything to make you understand how much I felt for you. I felt pain when you considered my feelings for you as a joke I made to play with you. I felt pain when I found you but couldn’t have you. I had a crush on someone I had no chance with.
A year. It’s not a little time. How many times my heart pounded with excitement seeing you in that corner of the bar. How many texts I sent and stayed up late just to wait for your reply (which I never got from you). There’s no another girl as silly as me existing in this planet nowadays, is it? It must be a sin to love someone in vain.

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But it’s still you who I miss when I’m alone. Still your arms which I wish to be wrapped by in the dark cold nights. Still your smile which I desire to see every morning when I wake up.
Still you…

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