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Still you

It has been nearly a year since the night I saw you for the first time. Everything is still so vivid in my memory. I don’t know you. You don’t now me either. We do not live in the same world. I was so naive and maybe somehow a bit weird to you. Perhaps you always thought that I was making fun of you or I was doing it for a dare. How could a girl with that outlook be serious and straight? You always thought of me that way, didn’t you? I was not sad because you didn’t text me back or because you never said anything to me eventhough I texted you everynight in 4 months just to tell you good night. I was not sad because you didn’t realize how often I glanced at you when I saw you there. I knew that you did notice. You stared at me too. I was happy, truly happy as I knew you saw me in the crowd. The only thing that disappointed me was your doubtfulness. It ruined everything. You never believed my words. I said I liked you very much and you thought I was kidding you. Why didn’t you open your heart, just once then let it show you what you really feel, what you really want. You chose the safe side. You may be safe with that choice but then you’ll never know how it feels when you are with someone who cares for you that much.

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I’m not blaming. It’s nobody’s fault.
But I still miss you. How can I escape from memories about you? It haunts me sometimes whenever I think about how hard I tried to get your attention, about your smile, about your face which I wanted to put my kisses on so bad.
I used to think about you all the time. I used to wish to wake up in the morning next to you, make you breakfast, prepare clothes and lunch for you to work. I wanted to talk to you, to tell you my stories and all my secrets. I wished to open your heart and stay there till the end of time. I would put my head on your shoulder, listen to you telling me how your day at work was. And I wanted to love you. That was all I wanted to do. But they seem so out of reach now. You may forget me already but I’m still missing you. I know I need to keep going on with my life and I’m gonna meet someone new in the future. I have to forget you. It’s the hardest part because it hurts. We’ll never belong to each other. I’ll never have chance to share my life with you. We’ll never have endless happy moments as a couple like I once expected. We’re, in fact, just two strangers in a crowded world, where love is becoming too hard to find. We’re tiny, doubtful and vulnerable. You dare not believe what I felt for you was real. I wasn’t confident enough to step out to fight for what I wanted. We dare not take an adventure and at the end, we’ve got nothing but boring tasteless lives.

“I wanna run to you
But if I come to you,
Tell me will you stay or will you run away?”

After all, I’m still a girl looking for someone to love. Somebody told me that: “The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain”. I felt pain when I found out I couldn’t do anything to make you understand how much I felt for you. I felt pain when you considered my feelings for you as a joke I made to play with you. I felt pain when I found you but couldn’t have you. I had a crush on someone I had no chance with.
A year. It’s not a little time. How many times my heart pounded with excitement seeing you in that corner of the bar. How many texts I sent and stayed up late just to wait for your reply (which I never got from you). There’s no another girl as silly as me existing in this planet nowadays, is it? It must be a sin to love someone in vain.

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But it’s still you who I miss when I’m alone. Still your arms which I wish to be wrapped by in the dark cold nights. Still your smile which I desire to see every morning when I wake up.
Still you…

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My lovely friend

I received a package today, which was sent to me from one of my best friends in Vietnam. She sent me a pair of shoes, silk pants, a novel with a bookmark attached. I could say it is the most beautiful bookmark I’ve ever had since the day I started reading.I never got a bookmark as a present before and to be honest, I almost cried when I saw that bookmark with the postcard she clipped in the first page of the book.
“Dear Van,
Keep being beautiful and happy!
Miss you so…
Xoxoxo
Ha.”
That was what written in the card. Those simple words nearly brought tears to my eyes. She’s always been so lovely and caring. She’s definitely the one who I can trust completely and one of the friends who will never ever forsake me. And what about me? I’ve been treating her as if she was just an old acquaintance. I’ve been so neglectful. I don’t even remember when we talked the last time. I always think that due to the different time zones, my busy schedule, etc. we can’t talk as often as we want to. But then I come to realize that those things aren’t the real reasons. The main reason is I want to hide myself in my imaginary shell, to isolate myself from the outside world. I’ve got so many problems that I couldn’t share with anyone and I decide to hide my feelings and try to solve them out all by myself. At the same time, I feel lonely and avoid talking or sharing with people. I just keep silent, keep going on with my life and never notice how people around me feel when I kind of ignore them. I’ve been so cruel and blamable. I want people to leave me alone while I myself blame them for not caring for me enough. I’ve been so selfish too. I never reveal myself as well as tell anyone my problems. How can they know what I feel or what I’m suffering if I never tell them? Is it fair for them to be blamed by me but in fact I slam the door on them?
I’m lucky because there’re so many people who always love and support me. And it’s not too late, is it? It’s not to late to change my attitude, to change the way I treat people and most of all, to remind me of how short life is to waste it saddening people I love. Suddenly I realize that to exist is easy; to survive through life is not that challenging we can’t overcome but to live a meaningful life requires much more than just breathing. To live a life and make it worthwhile, we always need to make considerable efforts. And I want to do something to deserve what people give me.
Promise?
Promise.

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P/S: I’ve got 2 new novels to read. One is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. I’ve been waiting for this Vietnamese version for ages and I’m so glad I’ve got it now. The other one is “The girl on paper” by Guillaume Musso – one of my most favourite French writers. How I love the books’ covers. They’re just flawless! Need to spend some time reading them before going to sleep šŸ™‚