Living in a paperweight

It’s the oddest idea ever but living in a beautiful glass paperweight is always my dream. Let’s imagine, one day, you are nothing but a tiny bubble floating slowly in the magical liquid inside a paperweight on someone’s office desk. You’ll be there forever, surrounded by million other colorful bubbles in that transparent glassy world without worrying or thinking of anything. You’ll be completely relaxed and free. How wonderful it would be!

 In a French movie, the one called “Love me if you dare”, the boy had a dream childhood of being a brutal tyrant, who kills lots of people and has many slaves while his best friend, Sophie wished to be a plain flan. Those ideas at first seem to be silly and meaningless but anyway, everybody has different dreams and not all of them are normal and understandable. In my case, I wish to be a bubble in a glass paperweight. It isn’t too weird though, compared with the dreams of being a tyrant, a plain flan or whatever in the world. Someone wants to be the wind to travel all round the world. Some wants to be little fishes living in the vast ocean. Some, especially girls, desire to turn into mermaids so they could be able to dive deeply into the water without being drowned.

 I have so many dreams and I always keen on living in some kind of colorful world, no matter what it could be. When I was little, I used to want to live in a green precious stone so I would be covered by that greenly world forever and no one and nothing could ever harm me. Furthermore, precious stones are often hard and unbreakable so I can stay there in a long time. It’s so great being alone and doing whatever you like, huh?



Out my ­window

Big tree and clear blue sky out my window. I woke up pretty late this morning, tried to snuggle deep into my blanket becasue of the freezing weather and I noticed it was sunny outside. Then I pulled back the curtains to let sunlight stream in. It’s gonna be a beautiful winter day! Good morning everybody! :-*


Colorful light bulbs

Colorful light bulbs always delight me whenever I see them: hanging up in the trees along streets in the winter, twinkling in the stores’ windows during Christmas time or simply, glittering in some signboards on the way back home. Whenever they appear, I can feel an indescribable joy spreading throughout my mind without being able to explain. They are truly amazing, so bright and multicolored. The first time noticed those light bulbs, as I remember, was when I just turned 3 and I loved them right away, at the very first moment I saw the wonderful sparkling things hanging up on the peach branch full of blossoms in our lounge. They are one of my beautiful childhood memories, which remind me of the peaceful happy time I had like a child.

When I was little, colorful light bulbs appeared only when New Year approached and they were hang on trees and around our garden in just 4 or 5 days so seeing their magical light was a precious thing to me. I used to wait patiently to see them once a year. When I grew a bit older, Mom allowed me to adorn our house and garden with those colorful lights. I made a great effort and tried many ways to make sure they looked good all the time for us to see every color they had on them and never let any single bulb hidden after the decorations. It was such a lovely fascinating job I’ve been keen on doing until now!

 I never lose my interest in looking at those colorful bulbs. I see them sparkling in my eyes and brightening my whole face with that miraculous light. They remind me of my childhood – the time when I was a funny little girl, enjoying every little normal thing, even things like colorful light bulbs, fruity lollipops, old tiny baby dolls or cooking games.

“Twinkle, twinkle little bulbs

Red, blue, yellow, pink and green

How I love you little dears,

Sparkling brightly on the trees…”

Haha. A short poem I’ve just composed to show how much I love those little pretty bulbs (the idea and rhythm borrowed from the song “Twinkle twinkle little star”). I may redecorate my room with multi-colored lights then seeing them before going to sleep may bring me some happy sweet dreams!

Nite nite! Xx


Bad dream

Last night I had a bad dream, which still obsessed me till this morning when I woke up. In the dream, I saw my parents get a divorce due to my dad’s unfaithfulness. He had an extramarital affair with someone. Mom found out then decided to break up with him. Strangely, she didn’t move out like others may do but stayed in the house, just moved all her stuff into my room and told me she would share the room with me from now on. She looked so tired and depressed. I was angry. Yes, I must say the word “angry”. And at the same time, I felt utterly desperate. I couldn’t do anything to change the situation. I got angry with all the betrayal, unfaithfulness, misery, etc people I love have to face every day in their life while I’m not able to give them a helping hand.

 I still suffered the sorrow I had in that dream until I woke up this morning. It’s been a long time that I haven’t got any bad dream like this. I dream almost every night but my dreams are often happy and colorful, or at least they are just things I see in everyday life. I hardly have a bad dream. But last night I did and it really obsessed me. I knew perfectly well how I got that dream. It was from the New Zealand drama “Shortland Street” I watched yesterday evening, in which a husband also had a secret affair with other woman and deeply wounded his wife and his children after they had found out the truth. Then it followed me into my dream. I could easily see how vulnerable and scared I am. Dreams always reflect what’s in people’s minds, all the fears, desires, secrets, etc, or shortly, almost everything deep inside their unconscious, which are not easily seen when they are awake or moreover, people are not even aware of them.

After the dream and all the emotions I experienced in it, I can clearly see the fear, which has hidden in my mind for ages. It is so obvious to me now. It is the fear of being abandoned, left behind, betrayed and forgotten by people I love. I would say it is the worst fear I’ve ever had since I was a little girl. I always presume myself a mature grown-up person, who is strong, independent and has all the rights and abilities to make decisions in my life. But I’m a bit wrong. I’m also a vulnerable one. I run away; I refuse to look right into the facts not because I don’t want to but because I’m afraid to get hurt. I’m afraid to show my tears in front of people but I cry bitterly when I’m alone. I’m afraid to admit my emotional fragileness. I’m afraid to admit that I’m a weak, not a brave girl like I seem to be.

A bad dream says more than I thought it could do.

A bad dream shows me the poor little girl still hiding in my soul even when I forgot.


I woke up then felt relieved realizing it was just a nightmare. Mom and Dad are still together and they love me so much. Mom called me yesterday afternoon but I was busy doing something then didn’t pick up the phone. They’ll never leave me, for sure. I’ll never be abandoned or forgotten. I’m always safe.

 I got up and made me a light breakfast with 2 boiled eggs, a bowl of spicy noodle and a persimmon for dessert. I comforted myself by telling me that it is just a fear and it is not gonna happen in real life. The little girl in me smiled and kept sleeping peacefully. My heart still beats rapidly sometimes. The fear is not assuaged completely. It may rise again and grip me now and then but I need to be braver and more determined to face and fight against it. I’m grown up, remember? I’ll do everything to protect and keep the little girl in me safe and sound.

I’ll wait my mum to call me back. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to give her a call but the thing is my phone already ran out of credit =) I want to talk to her, hear her soothing voice and listen to her loving words. I love to read her messages because she always ends up with the phrase: “Daughter, I love you!” It is one the most beautiful and precious things I’ve had in my life. Having someone who loves and cares for you unconditionally is a special favor. Don’t you ever forget that!






It was such an ideal Sunday of lying on bed all day, reading a Murakami’s novel and eating some chocolate mud cake with herbal tea. Time went as it had to but in my room, there was a pleasant quietness in which I could hear even a single breath of mine. I felt safe and warm. Wrapping myself in a cozy floral blanket, I started reading and sometimes sipped the hot honey-and-lemon tea I bought yesterday in New World. It’s one of my favourite drinks when the weather turns cold. Sometimes I took a break to rest my eyes and hanged around the house. It was a lovely sunny day outside with golden sunshine spreading all over the ground. Trees were green and birds sang cheerfully. How I love winder days with warm sunlight and blue clear sky! I saw things over the glass window in the kitchen and swiftly felt so peaceful. It was an old feeling that I haven’t found for such a long time, totally calm and tender.

 I cooked some hot soup with pork and vegetables for lunch. It contained potato, carrot, beans, green peas, etc, absolutely tasty and nutritious. Last night I drank quite a lot and didn’t realize it was so cold this morning. The soup made me feel better and at the same time, it helped me struggle with the extreme cold today. Then I thought of olden days, when I still was a little girl, I specially love winter because I had millions wonderful things to do in this season: wearing scarves, woolen gloves and other warm clothes; freely eating amazing hot food without the fear of gaining weight because I’d rather be fat than not get enough energy to survive through the winter or snuggling up to my mum when we took lunch nap because it was too cold to sleep alone. I missed those days a lot, especially now, when I am living here all by myself in a cold severe winter with no one staying next to me. Anyway, I have to keep going on with this life because it was completely my choice and I’m gonna make my life something better even though sometimes I feel awfully lonely and sad. I missed everything, shopping for winter stuff with mummy; wandering around the street vendors for hot food after school; learning to knit with grandma but never succeed, etc.  They are just memories now but I’m happy I spent my wonderful childhood time with people I love. Sunny days will come afterwards, as always.


Having a “lazy day” refreshed my mind and helped me gain some positive feelings. I kept listening to an old French song called “Sur les quais du vieux Paris” by Juliette Greco and suddenly had a strong urge to visit this dreamy city once in my life. I always maintain a secret crush on Paris.

 “Sur les quais du vieux Paris 

Le long de la Seine

Le bonheur sourit,

Sur les quais de vieux Paris

L’amour se promène 

En charchant un nid.

Vieux bouquiniste

Belle flouriste

Comme on vous aime,

Vivant poème!

Sur les quais du vieux Paris,

De l’amour bohème

C’est le paradis…”

(On the banks of old Paris,

Along the Seine

Happiness smiles,

On the banks of old Paris,

Love wanders along

Searching for a nest.

Old bookseller

Beautiful florist

How we love you,

Living poem!

On the banks of old Paris,

Bohemian love

It’s paradise…)

A sweet feeling swept over me while I was listening to these slow tender melodies. It was like I could do everything I want in the world and love gently kissed me on my lips. My dreams of travelling to all places in this beautiful planet became real and feasible than ever. Why not when I’m young, energetic and always excited. Then one day I’ll go to Paris and fall in love…

I had a happy day today. Everything flowed slowly and smoothly. I spent the whole afternoon to read. I stopped now and then to think about what the author tries to express. I felt like a real philosopher, considering things in life with my personal perspectives. Then I found out my cooking wasn’t so bad that my soup was not only super “eatable” but incredibly delicious. I ate a lot but didn’t worry about my weight like I always do. Sometimes we need to pamper ourselves a little bit. I felt completely free and comfortable, the greatest feeling one could ever have.

 P/S: Recipe for a perfect Sunday staying at home (according to my personal experience today)

1. Kafka on the shore by Haruki Murakami.

2. Chocolate mud cake + herbal tea.

3. Some classical pieces of music (I chose Schubert and some French songs).

4. A pleasant place to read such as a big sofa or a bed, covered with pillows and a cozy blanket.

5. Forget about everything, relax your body, put your head on a pillow, concentrate on reading and let time goes by.


“Et, dans tes bras qui m’enchainent,

En écoutant les sirens,

Je laisse batter, éperdu de bonheur,

Mon coeur auprès de ton coeur…”

(And, in your arms which hold me,

Listening to the sirens,

I let my heart, which overcomes with happiness, beats next to yours…)



Today there were two ladies coming to my shop to have their nails done and they were mother and daughter. They came occasionally when the daughter has time to take her mum for a walk and do some womanly stuff like doing hair and nails. The things is the mum is very old and forgetful and she probably doesn’t remember anything even after just doing something few minutes before. But then she and her daughter have got an extremely closely-knit relationship as they talk and hug and make jokes to each other all the time. I can see love in their eyes, especially in the daughter’s look to her mum. Even though sometime, she said, her mum forgets who she is and doesn’t know how old she is or how many children she’s got but still, they maintain a special connection that no one and nothing could ever break. And then the daughter, she told me a story about her mom that I think I could never forget.

“My dad passed away few years ago at the age of ninety-eight and Mom was really upset about that. She hasn’t got a good mind anymore. She forgets many things since. However, she still keeps playing piano now and then without knowing that she’s playing. It’s just like an old habit deep inside her unconscious. She used to have a beautiful voice as well. Sometimes I ask her if she still remembers Dad and she said she can’t. Then once, I showed her Daddy’s photo and asked her if she knew who was in the picture. She told me she didn’t know who he is but she just knew that she loved that man very much. It really amazed me as even though she didn’t realize who the man in the picture was but when she saw the faces and all the moments they spent together, somewhere in her mind, she somehow knows that man was someone loving and important in her life.”

Having listened to the story, I was really touched by its beautiful meaning and I wondered if love can still survives even after memories fade away. It almost brought tears into my eyes hearing that marvelously stunning evidence of love presenting all over in life. Then suddenly I felt really sad thinking if one day I can’t remember all the people I love in my life or someone I love forget who I am and how important they mean to me, I perhaps couldn’t deal with the sorrow and disappointment it may bring. I’m quite an optimist as I never want to think negatively and make myself feel miserable because of something which may depress me some way. I always try to imagine happy bright results in every situation much more than bad outcomes which possibly will happen. But we all know that in life, we couldn’t struggle against something obvious and unchangeable most of us have to cope with once in our lives such as incurable diseases, old age or death. We all need to accept and live with the fact but it’s unimaginable to think of the scene that one day, Grandpa or Grandma will be too old and forgetful to recognize who I am. It’s absolutely an overwhelmed feeling to me as people who brought me up, always pampered me and made me their pride could one day fail to remember how important they are to me and do not know how much love I have for them. It’s just too sad to think of… The thing which afflicts me most is I can’t spend more time with them even though I always wish I could. They are getting older and older and I’m still here, million miles away from home. I definitely don’t have much chance to take care of them or at least stay beside and talk to them as I’ve barely been back home because of all the busy working schedule and future study plans here. I know I’m doing the right things, leading a meaningful life in which I have dreams, ambitions and trying to be a good person. But then at the same time I have to sacrifice something like being with people I love and it hurts me, a lot, indeed. I really don’t know how many times I could meet them and be covered in their arms like when I was a little child before they lose all their memories of me. I don’t know if they are able to wait to see when I become a successful happy woman living a good life like they always expect. And I don’t know if they have any chance to take care of and watch their beautiful great-grandchildren growing up like they did to me. But after all, like I always did and will always do, I love them with all my heart and nothing can change it.

 I received a letter of Grandpa today and it was a great feeling knowing that I’m so special to someone. I can deeply feel how lucky I am to have such a uniquely close relationship with Grandpa. He is one of few people who have considerable influences on me and the way I shape my personality. My strong passions for politics, foreign languages, human history, etc all come from him as he guided me to read and discover a lot from books and many other sources when I was very little. In the letter, he told me never to quit my studying halfway and never ever give up my dreams no matter whatever they are. He said he would be very disappointed if I become overweight and not be a lovely girl anymore. He thought it’ll be hard for me to get a good boyfriend if I haven’t got a nice body shape. How funny it is! =) and then like any other grandparents, he told me not to drink alcohol too much and if I have to, try to take as less as I can. What else? Hmm, he also told me to eat less meat and consume more vegetable and do some exercises. I know exactly how to control everything in my life but his letter really lightens me up from inside as there’s someone truly cares about me and wants the best for me. Thank you, Grandpa! I’ll not let you down. I’ll try to stay healthy, active and funny as I was always before.

 Memory is something unusual and also very strange. We can never choose to remember some particular things and forget all about the others. Memories stay in our mind if they want and they may vanish all of a sudden without our awareness. That’s why one couldn’t just hold their gorgeous moments and put out of their mind all the terrible awful things. People need both happy and sad memories to live meaningfully because sad memories remind us how lucky we are when we have joyful moments in our lives.

One day I’ll have to say goodbye to someone I love.

One day I may cry and feel the real pains when seeing people I love forget about me.

One day I’ll get old and possibly will forget about people who used to be so meaningful to me.

But then I stop thinking about it.

I read the letter again and feel love all around me now. I look at a family picture in which there is the whole family together smiling and we look so cheerful. And I feel relieved because we shared our lives and we were truly happy. That’s enough! I treasure all the precious moments we had together and don’t care if one day I may forget them because I know they did exist, for real. I tenderly close my eyes; rest my head in the pillow and listen to a soft piece of music. It is gonna be a good sleep for me tonight, far away from home but still so safe and sound…

P/S: I always believe that even though we may forget something and someone when we are awake, in our dreams, those things and those people will appear somehow because once they get into our memory, they’ll stay there forever no matter if we recognize them or not. They never go away and we’ll never be alone! There’s always something or someone being by your side no matter if you know about their existence. Good night and perhaps have some sweet dreams! Xx


My new life

I’m not sure it’s right if I call this a “new life” but there have been so many things happening to me during these recent days that my life obviously turns into a new unbelievable one. I moved out; rent a room in a house full of strangers (except a friend of mine) and started everything all over again by myself. I know sooner or later I have to do this but I never thought it would come so early. Anyway, at this moment, I’m sitting here in my own bed, enjoying a pleasant cozy Sunday afternoon, eating an apple and some chocolate and writing this entry. And I absolutely feel fine.

Due to some special reasons, I’m now living here with other 4 people and a baby in a three-bedroom house. It’s not a nice brand-new home though, everything is just enough to serve my purposes. Even though sometimes I find some disadvantages such as there’s no proper knife to chop the onions or there’s no washing machine, I’m quite happy to live here, honestly. I couldn’t compare whether I’m more pleased and comfortable with the life in that old house than in this one but one thing I can see clearly see is I have more freedom in this place and I’m more like myself.

Starting a new life isn’t something too challenging to do. It’s just hard in the first steps. I have to spend some money on personal stuff (shampoos, toilet paper, food, etc.) while I’m quite short of funds. In here, people value other’s privacy so much that no one would ever touch his flat mates’ stuff without asking. Now every time I shop, I need to consider and think before buying something. It’s so different to the olden days when I all the time spent money unmanageably without thinking about my financial circumstance. I used to urge myself to put aside some money and “Saving! Saving! Saving” but all I did was spending more and more money on clothes and shoes. Silly me! Then now I need to be more realistic and sort everything out, put things in order and seriously make my saving plan. Normally I should be miserable with this situation but then I strangely feel definitely alright with this when I can learn to get used to the Do-It-Yourself life. It’s pretty good because it plays as a preparation for me in my university life next year. I even don’t know which school I’m gonna apply for but I can imagine in my mind at this time next year, I would have no money to spend on fashion or luxurious things but my books and food. That’s the reason why I’d better prepare for it.

Let me tell you about people living here. They absolutely have the lifestyle of almost young Kiwis in which they do everything all by themselves, party every weekend, smoke weed, listen to underground hip-hop music, throw dirty clothes everywhere etc. At first, I was quite shy and felt hard to get on well with this lifestyle as I was too familiar with my tidy routine but then I think it’s not the impossible if I try. Anyway, people still keep living their own lives and so do I. I’m not gonna die of running out of clean clothes or eating without chopsticks =) one more thing, my flat mates are very nice to me as they know I’m a bit scared and shy living here with them in a totally different environment. They try to help me as much as they can and I can obviously see their respect for me. It may be one blessing for me in this hard time.

Knowing that I had to move out, my parents were extremely anxious. They called, texted to comfort and encourage me. It warms up my heart and let me know that I’m never alone. Then there’s one precious thing I drew after this memorable experience: No one could ever treat me so well and care for me so much like my parents do and no place but home I will return and enjoy the peaceful atmosphere after all bittersweet moments in life. They are the only people I love and trust wholeheartedly until now. Family is always the best thing ever been mine even though sometimes I accidently forget. My mom called and talked to me for hours the night when I just moved in. She understood everything. She knew how terrible the things I have to suffer here but she couldn’t do anything but worrying and praying for me. I cried so hard after the call that night, found myself so hopeless and desperate. I know I’m always right to live for my dreams and fight for a better life I deserve but then sometimes life seems so hard to live fully. However, after all, I still have to keep going on with the way I chose and keep nurturing all my beautiful dreams then make them come true one day. I don’t care anymore if people never understand me as well as things I always long for. I’ll do my best to show them how strong I am, how stunning my life will be and maybe how wrong they are to underestimate me that way. Thank Mom and Dad for always being by my side and supporting me. I love you so much. Just can’t wait to go home and see you. I’ll do alright here so don’t worry too much. I’ll try my best to make you both proud of your daughter. I’ll always be strong, reliable, and smart and be the one who you can count on. I’ll never let you down, I promise.

Starting a new life means I need to cope with difficulties and hard things but I’ll not give up halfway. It’s getting dark and chilly now. I’d better close my window or I’ll catch cold. In my case now, it’s very important to take care of my health carefully. God, please don’t let me suffer any health problems otherwise there’ll be no one here looking after me. I have no idea what I’m gonna have for dinner but I’m still not hungry so never mind. I’ll get something if I want. It doesn’t help if I keep thinking and worrying too much. Relax and get a life, a new life! =)