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Waiting for you

“If I don’t have you, I have nothing but myself

Like a little boat floating in nowhere

If I don’t have you, I have no direction

Like a kite with no string attached…”

I’ve been browsing the webs and listening to this old love song non-stop. It brings me so much emotion. Then I question myself about the meaning of finding true love in our life. Could a person ever live without love? The answer I come up with finally is “Yes”. One can definitely live without someone who loves and cares for him. He still breathes. He still lives his life like any other men does. He can take care of himself. But then his life has no purpose and it’s the main point.

I’m waiting for nothing. I’m expecting nothing. I have so many stuffs to take care of and sometimes I find myself lost in the world of fears and insecurities. I’ve been thinking and worrying too much for my reality that sometimes I forget I’ve still been carrying my childhood dreams in my heart. One of my deepest dreams is finding someone I really love and loves me in return. I’ve never been in love too much with anyone, not because I’m a cold-hearted one or I’m too conceited or arrogant. Not any of those reasons. I just haven’t met anyone who can really “see” me. That’s it! And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if there’s nobody like that for me in this Earth. Maybe I’ll not do anything. I’ll keep going on with my life, knowing that nobody out there is on the right track with me and I need to accept the truth. I’ll not complain or blame my fate for that. However, I still believe that someday, somehow, I’ll find him. I just don’t know for how long I need to wait and how that one will be like. Anyway, I don’t rush though.

Sometimes I hang around in the streets or shopping malls and see couples hand in hand passing me. I smile and feel happy for them. I truly do so. Then I wonder and try to recall the last time I miss someone hysterically; the last time my heart beats and the blood in my veins flows faster when I see someone; the last time I have the feeling of falling in love. And I realize I can’t remember anything. I’ve been stop having feelings like that for a while now. It’s sad…

Honestly, I’ve been waiting for love so patiently. I keep my life going as smoothly as possible. I keep the smiles on my face all the time so I could be pretty and lovely all the time. I work hard and find some little joys in what I’m doing. I make my life normal as much as I can. I feel fine with it and occasionally, I think I don’t really need someone for myself. But then sometimes I feel extremely lonely and desire for someone with whom I could share and receive the sympathy. My feelings just mix up and they make a big mess in my mind. I don’t even know what I really want…

Time will tell.

And probably I shouldn’t think too much, even about love.

Whatever will be will be.

Everything has its reason and every man has his own route. Keep the dreams in my heart and be happy because at least I have something to wait for, to live for, and to hope for. Who knows if somewhere in this planet, there’s someone also thinking of and waiting for me to come (even if he hasn’t known me yet)? I’ll stay here, doing my things, enjoying my present life, trying my best to make all my dreams of studying, having a career, travelling, exploring the world, etc. come true while waiting for true love to appear. I’ll not let any negative idea interfere or stand in my way. I’ll try not to be disappointed or desperate of not finding him yet because I truly believe someday we can meet.  That little faith always warms my heart up and makes me happy.

“I’ll be waiting for you

So just give me a chance, of waiting for you

And staying by your side, forever”

I’m not begging. I’m not asking for your favor. I just want to do so. And I don’t care how long it may take me to wait because the moment of seeing you and knowing you’re real is enough for a lifetime…

I’ll be waiting because after all, you are the reason for my existence and the one who helps me to find myself. I can live without you but I can’t live happily and wholeheartedly without you.

So, wherever you could possibly be in this world, I love you…

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I’m looking for selfishness

Midori: “I made up my mind I was going to find someone who would love me unconditionally three hundred and sixty five days a year, I was still in elementary school at the time – fifth or sixth grade – but I made up my mind once and for all.”
Toru: “Wow. Did the search pay off?”
Midori: “That’s the hard part. I guess I’ve been waiting so long I’m looking for perfection. That makes it tough.”
Toru: “Waiting for the perfect love?”
Midori: “No, even I know better than that. I’m looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortcake. And you stop everything you’re doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortcake out to me. And I say I don’t want it anymore and throw it out the window. That’s what I’m looking for.”
Toru: “I’m not sure that has anything to do with love,”
Midori: “It does. You just don’t know it. There are time in a girl’s life when things like that are incredibly important.”
Toru: “Things like throwing strawberry shortcake out the window?”
Midori: “Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologize to me. “Now I see, Midori. What a fool I have been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortcake. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I’ll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate Mousse? Cheesecake?”
Toru: “So then what?”
Midori: “So then I’d give him all the love he deserves for what he’s done.”
Toru: “Sounds crazy to me.”
Midori: “Well, to me, that’s what love is…”  

“Norwegian Wood” , Haruki Murakami –

***

Another fascinating conversation between Midori and Toru from my favourite novel. It’s absolutely a new unbelievable definition about love. We normally think that finding a perfect love is so hard that many people have to give up on the way of reaching for the most beloved ones in their lives. However, it’s not all about perfection. It’s about selfishness. Midori gives a clear interesting example about selfishness among a couple, in which one loves the other too much to resist anything she asks from him. Will you get angry when you are in the same situation with the guy in Midori’s story? Will you still be happy and pleased when you come back out of breath, get down on your knees then hand the shortcake over to her and see her throw it out the window? You may think this idea is crazy, implausible and out of the question. But then in love, nothing is impossible until you still have feelings and passion for each other. We could do everything when we have love. All we need is love.  I like Midori so much because she always has some ideas which are surprising, captivating that no one could ever imagine of. Then I wonder whether I could find someone love me enough not to get angry, maybe give me a hard slap and leave me right after I throw the shortcake out the window =) I’m not gonna use this way to test a guy but I’ll find my own way. I’m not expecting him to give up all his selfishness or apologize to me even after I throw his shortcake or whatever makes him run a long way to buy for me. I’ll not be very glad if a guy becomes so dominated by me when we are in love.  I’m just hoping him to love and care for me enough to stop everything he’s doing and run to me whenever I need him. That’s what I’m longing for 🙂

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That’s life and sometimes you need to close your eyes

I’m really pissed off at the moment. It was absolutely not my fault or at least, I never considered it my fault. I’m not a stubborn kind of person who always wants to win or never apologize for my own mistake. But simply in this case, it wasn’t mine. So I’m not gonna say sorry for what I didn’t do wrong. I’m not making excuses. I just don’t see it a wrong thing I did then I never ever want to make an apology. And I don’t have to.

The point is I’m not disappointed about that minor matter. The thing disappointed me most is the way she behave towards the situation. Damn it! Ok, I admit that I’m an employee. I am hired to work and obey what my boss says. I’ve been working very hard; I’ve been making so much effort in work to satisfy customers. Then what else you’re gonna require from me? On the one hand, I’m a staff working here so I’m supposed to serve the best I can. On the other hand, I’m a human who has all of my ego and self-esteem. I don’t want to stab someone in the back or make any explanation for me.  I’ve done my best and I’m happy with that. I’m happy because I work and earn money by my sweats and tears. I’m happy because I’m living a meaningful life in which I’m independent and brave, in which I never upset my parents and people who love me. Furthermore, at least I can absolutely be proud of myself because I have my life purpose and I’ll definitely achieve it at any price, no matter how hard it would be or how terrible things could turn out to me. And of course, I’m not lonely.

That’s life and sometimes you need to close your eyes even though you don’t feel comfortable at all with it. I just can’t sneak to my mom on someone who bullies me or something disappoints me as I’m not a kid anymore. I’m grown now and I have to take care of things myself. I have to live my life and be responsible with everything I do. It’s not an easy task. However, I just do it. And I don’t care what people say. I have my own opinions, my own ideas and I’m not gonna change my colors for anyone. I’ll try my best, make the most of my life and you’re not gonna see me give up. So, I’m telling you what, don’t think that you’re my savior or something like that. Could you live my life for me? Could you make all my dreams come true for me? You couldn’t do that, I’m sure. So don’t yell at me with that harsh voice and make it seem like you’re always right. Sorry but I don’t need all that shit. I’m me and I’ll do everything I want. The way I treat people, the way I behave myself, the way I deal with things in my life will decide who I am and I don’t need anyone tell me what to do. We’re all different. And if you want to be a boss, go for it. I’m not gonna stand in your way though.

This time is just like a chance for me to practice dealing with rougher things may come in the future. I can completely handle it. Why not while I’m tough and ready???

I’m eating a croissant and sipping some apple juice. And I love my life so much…. Just need to close my eyes a little bit, take a deep breath and keep things go on. This is just one little disappointing moment accidentally mixing in millions of beautiful moments I have. I smile because I know everything will be alright at the end…

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…like a spring bear…

Toru: “I really like you, Midori. A lot.”

Midori: “How much is a lot?”

Toru: “Like a spring bear.”

Midori: “A spring bear? What’s that all about? A spring bear?”

Toru: “You’re walking through a field all by yourself one day in spring, and this sweet little bear cub with velvet fur and shiny little eyes comes walking along. And he says to you, “Hi, there, little lady. Want to tumble with me?’ So you and the bear cub spend the whole day in each other’s arms, tumbling down this clover-covered hill. Nice, huh?”

Midori: “Yeah. Really nice!”

Toru: “That’s how much I like you.”

***

One of my favourite conversations between two main characters in the “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami. Hey guy, I really like you, like a spring bear or a summer rabbit or whatever , who could spend the whole afternoon with me tumbling down the clover-covered hill. That’s how much I like you! :)­­

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“Socrates in Love”

“Socrates in Love”  or “Crying Out Love, In the Center of the World” by Kyoichi Katayama.

A sad love story.

A love story that reminds me of him whenever I reread the book.

The first kiss. The first time of touching. Everything was so pure and honest. I still remember the feeling when he hugged me for the first time then brought blushes to my cheeks. We were still in our innocent age. We didn’t know and we never cared if something happened. We did give and take truly…

The story is a sad love song, played with low notes of pain and loss. Aki’s death created a void into which Saku fell and continued to live in the parched land without Aki. From that world, Saku called his lost love.

I gradually transformed into Saku then looked at everything with his eyes, hear Aki’s voice with Saku’s ears. The savor of their first kiss seems to stay eternally, somewhere in the air of that afternoon. Saku loved Aki really much and at the same time he had to witness her vanishing desperately. The pain slowly seeps into my heart like a small flame slowly licked the dry leaves…

Reading the book, I obviously feel something stuck right in my heart. Is that feeling the pain of having to leave someone you love and keep going on with your real life or the regret of a precious thing you know you could never gain back once it’s lost? Saku held Aki’s ashes bottle without knowing the reason why he didn’t let it go. Will he live the way his grandfather did? Will he keep going on with the hopeless love for Aki till his last breath? He kept Aki’s ashes and hated everything, thing that now Aki will be never able to feel again. Then is Saki’s feeling just a childish sentiment or the depth of love?

I love the ending of this story when Saku let Aki’s ashes fly up and dissolve into the wind. The way the author describes the death so beautiful and exquisite.  It isn’t scary or obsessing at all. And Aki will stay there forever, always pretty and innocent in Saku’s memory, as time goes by. She’ll be something irreplaceable, immortal.

Time passes by. People come and go. Things change but moments stay eternally. I’m sure I’ll never feel the way I did for him. In my case, there’s no death. There are few pains then once the innocent age’s gone, it’s gone forever. I couldn’t turn back time to return to those wonderful days when I was just 16 and had the first affair with him. We had our secret dates. We held each other’s hands and rode the bikes along that riverside. We had our happy days together. And I don’t care if we couldn’t go to the end of the road. I always treasure that love, no matter what.

I miss him sometimes, when I hear wind singing in a chilly morning or when I see a couple of high school students holding hands passing in the street.

And then I smile to myself as I imagine somewhere in this Earth, he may think of me…

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The kids of my own

So what am I supposed to write in this article? I’m not sure yet. I’ve just finished my shower and my mood now is much better. What should I give as the title for this article? I was thinking and then came up with an idea: How to raise a kid? It sounds a bit weird as I’ve been thinking about it now and then but it’s never been an obvious sturdy thought in my mind. It just comes sometimes when I think about what my future life in the next 10 or 20 years would be. Yea, I will definitely have kids of my own, with the man I love but not right now. Occasionally, I consider myself a person who was born to be a mother as I specially love children, in a unique way. I could hold a baby in my arms for ages, feed him or look after him when he lies sleeping. Whenever I hold a baby, my maternal instinct emerges powerfully and at that time, I promise to myself I would be a good mother as much as I can. I know it’s not an easy task to do. Raising a kid is not just about feeding him or changing his nappies. It’s also about providing him with love, so much love and teaching him how to be a good person. The parenting process is much more difficult and challenging than feeding the kids and not everybody is successful at it. Many people fail in showing their kids the way to be good citizens even though they try a lot, in many ways. I’m not just saying or giving a moral lesson. I’m not qualified enough to be a mother at the moment and I’m not ready as well. I’m just sharing my own opinions on this matter as I hope I could draw some precious experiences after this and apply on my own parenting techniques for my children in the future 🙂 It’s good for a mother to be prepared though!

Everyone, even the toughest person wants to have good kids of their own. I’m not referring to the ones who don’t want kids. I’m talking about normal people who used to or are on the way or will be parents. They all want the best things for their kids and most of the time; they even love their kids more than themselves. It’s one of the most amazing things in the world as a person, who is often supposed to be selfish and cares for himself only, loves someone more than himself. I don’t know about other parents but to me, I’ll absolutely love my children unconditionally and I’m willing to give my best for them. I’m not mature enough to think about exactly how many children I will have or the best way to raise them. I just know that it’s a natural thing for me to love my kids and I’ll do it without any awareness. It’s called instinct.

However, I’m thinking of some “rules” when having and raising my kids. I call them “rules” because they are some vital factors which may influence my kid’s upbringing in the future. I’m not a strict rigid person who always set up severe disciplines and forces others to obey. I just want to put things in order to take control of them all. At least I don’t want to make a mess, especially with such an important thing like this.

1. I’ll have kids with the man I love. =>;; My kids will be created by love, not silly accidents. Or they may be made by accidents but accidents with love: P

Everyone knows the way to make a baby but I’m not talking about purely sexual problem. I mean yea, of course we need to have sex to make babies but I definitely have my own babies by making love with my man. We are human then we need to follow some natural processes. But we are different to animals because we know love and we show our love to each other in many ways, one of them is making love. It’s a sacred thing. Making love is an art and we need to love our partners passionately to feel all the beauties that love brings. And then, a baby will be created as the result of love. It’s a good way to have babies, not just having sex for fun, not just having babies to carry out some dirty purposes. I want my babies happy and proud when they know that they were made by love, not any other thing J and it’s great when you could have the baby with your man, someone you love, admire and want to spend your whole life with. The babies will be the best part of your life!

2. I’ll show my babies every day; in many ways how much I love them.

All parents want their kids healthy, smart and so do I. I want the best for my babies. Nothing is perfect but I’ll try as much as I can to bring them a good life. However, I’ll not only provide them with material needs but also with emotional care. I’ll kiss my children whenever I can to show them how much I love them then I try to learn how to cook good meals for them, prepare everything they need for their camping with classmates or simply, read bedtime stories for them every night. I’ll try to be a good mother like my mother was before. She’s an excellent one indeed. There’s no mother in the world could ever compare to her as she’s so good to be a mother. I’m the lucky one to have a mom like her J I’ll pick up my kids after school, drive them around or take them home and cook something for them before they take a short nap. Then every week the whole family will take a trip somewhere to enjoy the weekend and strengthens the relationships among family members. I want my kids have as many good childhood memories as possible and they will never able to forget even when they already grow up. I’ll be a beautiful gentle loving mom who always listens, understands and is willing to help my kids out of troubles. I don’t want to be just their mom. I also want to be their friends. It’s a hard thing to do as we’re in 2 generations with lots of differences but I’ll try to enter their world and understand because I believe that whenever they are or whatever they do, they are basically human and I know they are nature good.

3. I’ll try to give them a happy family.

It depends on many factors to make a happy family but I’ll try my best to give my kids a happy one which is always filled with laughs and joy. Before having babies, when my husband and I are really ready to be parents, I need to have a straight clear discussion with him on building a happy nest for my little kids. It’s very important for them to live in a happy family as they can develop properly without any disadvantages. Children are very sensitive and adults sometimes forget that children know everything, even the things adults try to hide from them. They may not know the specific problems but they can feel something going wrong between their mom and dad. It makes them insecure and scared. The thing kids fear the most is not being loved anymore, not like not being provided with nice clothes or new toys. They need love more than any other thing because they are little, vulnerable and need to be cuddled, held and protected from harms by their parents. I couldn’t stand seeing my kids bursting into tears of the feeling being abandoned or left behind by us. I’ll feel guilty if I couldn’t give them a happy family with mom and dad loving them like other kids has. Then I promise to myself, no matter what happen, I’ll try to give them the happiest family, the place they can return whenever they are happy or upset; the place where they can find love and trust; the place called home where there’re always mom and dad waiting for them. Then I need to look for a good man first as he’ll be the right man who I can love, trust and depend on 🙂 I believe I’ll find him, sooner or later!

4. I’ll teach my kids how to love and many other things.

I never hope my kids the smartest ones in their classes or outstanding among their classmates but I hope them understand, feel lucky with what they have then help people who are not as lucky as they are. I hope they know what love is and how to love people. I may be rich and my children may be borne without any material shortage but they also need to respect what they have, not just taken those things for granted. It’s so dangerous when a child is born in a rich family and he becomes conceited and arrogant. They need to sympathy with people who are poor, disabled or the ones who are suffered from famines, diseases, etc all over the world. They need to feel lucky and positive. They need to know how hard it is to make the money and money is not from trees then they’ll know how to spend them properly without illusion of their parent’s endless treasure.

I also wish my kids had knowledge and are always eager for learning as I did when I was little. I want them to read books to gain more and more knowledge. I want them to feel how big the world is and also have passion to explore it. I want them to be wise well-educated children who know how to behave themselves. I want them to go and to do things that I haven’t finished or done in my life. I want them to have great lives without limits and regrets. I want them to live the life they want. I want all best thing for them <;;3

There’re so many other “rules” I wanna set up to apply in my parenting in the future but I may write them down in another article. The most important thing is I’ll love them with all my heart, with the whole me then they’ll know they’re the lucky ones as they have a good mother who always care about them and ready to scarify for them no matter what.

I don’t know how long it takes me to be ready to be a good mother and I’m willing to wait. But I’ll try to be a good mother as much as I can. The only reason is I love my kids. They’re a part of me. I’m a part of them.

Sleep well my little sweeties! Mommy loves you all!

Xxx