I came home this afternoon. Totally worn out. I don’t know what feeling I’m having right now.
I know I don’t matter to you. I already knew it from the beginning when we started going out. Who am I to you? I don’t even know.
And tonight, sitting alone in my room, I felt sorry for myself. I never feel sorry for myself but tonight I did. Why did I do that? I didn’t know. Somebody says “Only assholes feel sorry for themselves”. I used to agree with that person and never feel sorry for myself. But tonight I did. And then I thought “Why does this thing keep happening to me? Do I not deserve to be with someone and be happy?”. I’ve been asking myself those questions so many times and never found the answer. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t be like other normal girls, having a normal relationship and be happy with someone. I never ask for too much, I can be happy with simple things. A simple relationship, in which I can love and trust somebody totally with my whole heart knowing that I’m loved and protected. Someone I can talk to,open up my soul to, let them into my spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes when we are together, I feel like we are only two buddies hanging out with each other and cure each other from our boredom. I’ve never felt loved by you. And it’s not easy, being with someone like that.
From the beginning, I already knew that our relationship will not lead to anything. There will be no future for us. It’s because you decided so and I didn’t know why I decided to carry on seeing you even though to me, it’s so obvious that I’ll get hurt (again) later on and that was the last thing on earth I wanted to happen.
You said you didn’t want a long term relationship. You didn’t believe in marriage. You didn’t want kids. But I wanted all of those things. We are too different. We are supposed to go on two separate ways. And even now, when you call me your girlfriend, we are still not heading towards the same direction. Sometimes I feel like you only hang out with me because you think I’m smart and interesting, not because you truly like the person who I am, with all the fears and insecurities I’ve been bearing.
My heart was wrenched with confusion. I knew that day will come, sooner or later. The day that we say goodbye to each other and erase each other out of our lives. I’ve been there, done that and it hurt like hell but I thought maybe in the second time, I’ll feel nothing. But then I realized that it’ll hurt. I’ll always hurt.
One day, we’ll never see each other again and we’ll basically be strangers. And all the memories, the moments, the things that we have together, we do together will become meaningless. And it hurts so badly not because I put too much expectation in our relationship and hope things will work out at the end. It hurts because I think of the fragileness of our fates, of the lives we’re living in. One second we’re lovers, lying naked next to each other, breathing the same air in the same room. A second later, we don’t even care if the other one is dead or alive.
You said you were sorry because you can’t fulfill what I want out of our relationship (a long-term committed relationship, marriage, kids, etc). I said it was fine. It was just that we met at the wrong time. But it hurt because everyone I met, including you was at a wrong time and I’m so tired of trying, putting myself out there then get hurt.
I don’t know if you still want to see me tomorrow.
Sometimes I feel like your work or your dogs matter to you more than I do. It’s fine. We’re basically just strangers anyway. i haven’t known you for a very long time. I wish I could but you said you didn’t want a long-term thing so I dare not let myself dive in too deeply. I’ll be the one who gets hurt at the end. I don’t want that to happen.
I just wanted to be in a normal relationship like many other people. I just wanted to be kissed every morning when I wake up and be told that how much I was loved. It’ll never happen with you I bet.
And I realize that we rarely kiss.
Because I’m too shy to ask.
And you never do it naturally
Because you don’t love me.