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I miss us!

“do you ever just smell an old perfume, or hear an old song, or pass an old hangout spot and kinda break inside for a couple minutes”…

This has actually made me cry today thinking about all the things we had and everything we did together. All the dreams, the jokes, the night we held each other so tight and I thought please God, please don’t seperate us because I want to be with this man for the rest of my life. Things don’t go so right at the moment and today he said something that broke my heart. It hurt so much when he said he would stop caring about me and everything related to me. I could clearly felt the physical pain inside my chest. My heart felt like it was crushed brutally and it hurt. It hurt so much that my tears started rolling down my cheeks.

We haven’t talked normally for a few days now. Every time we talked, we fought and both got exhausted. I’m not sure if we can get over the thing happened this time. I’m not sure if he still wants to be with me. I know I sound so pathetic and miserable but the truth is I was the one who started everything this time.

I don’t care about anything else. I just really miss him. The way he used to be. The way we used to be.

I just want to have a late night conversation with him, resting my head on his chest and remind him of all the wonderful moments we shared. Would he still remember them?

This time last year when we just moved in a new place and we went shopping for furniture at an outlet store. We pushed the trolley along the shelves full of discounted items and we were so happy when the bill was a lot smaller than we expected. We bought lots of things. Everything in our old kitchen. We considered between the two pans and eventually chose the one with higher price as we thought it had better quality. It was great. We were like a newly married couple preparing for our new lives.

I miss the night in that old room when we just moved in together and we held each other’s hands and promised the we would never spend a night without each other. There’s been so many nights I sleep alone afterwards but that is a beautiful promise we made when we were in love and I’ll never forget that.

I remember the evenings I cooked dinners and wait for him to come home. He was a kitchen hand at a restaurant at the time and he usually finished work really late. But I never had dinner myself. I always waited for him. I always waited for him to call saying that he was coming and I ran downstairs to unlock the door. I sneakily hid behind the door and when he came up, I surprised him and kissed him on his cheeks. Then we would have dinner together and went to bed together. I would never forget those days!

In those days, I did all the cookings, laundry and housework. I was happy to do so as I wanted him to be fed, to be loved, to be happy. I love him the way a traditional women loves his man. It was wonderful. I miss being such a lovely hardworking women rushing around the kitchen cooking the favourite dish for her man.

We had no money back then. We struggled with the rent, the bills, the petrol, etc. but we were happy. And he loved me. I was the woman of his dream. He wanted to marry me. He said he’d never met anyone who was so dedicated and truthful like me. He wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. We promised that if we couldn’t get married to each other, we would never marry anyone our whole lives. Were we too naïve??? We might be but who cares, we were in love!

There are so many more stories I want to tell. There are moments when I felt I only needed you to be mine and my life would be complete. I’ll write them down so one day when I’m old and forgetful, I’ll read them again to be sure that I had loved someone that much.


Do you remember him? We used to call him our son and name him “Little Shrimp”. And we wanted to name our daughter “Pancake”, didn’t we?  That was so sweet. It warms up my heart every time I think about when we were together and the dream of a happy family we wanted to build.

It breaks me a little every time I think of these things…

I miss you.

I miss us.

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No Surprises

“No alarms and no surprises,

No alarms and no surprises,

No arlarms and no surprises, please!”


Responsibilities.

As the first child.

As a girlfriend.

As an employee.

As a student.

Flowers stop blooming in my garden for quite a while now.

I want to hear the sound of the sea. I want to close my eyes inhaling the smell of the earth after rain. I want to be curled in bed reading a good book. I need a holiday at a far far away place with the man I love. Then nothing else will ever matter.

11.33pm.

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Closing the book

chanyado

You get married and you think this is the man you will spend the rest of your life with.

Then life happens.

You separate, and for the next three years you don’t see him. You don’t hear his voice. The soft lilt in his Rs. You don’t see him ruffled up in the morning before he puts on his armour to face the world. You don’t smell him in the corridor before you leave the house. You don’t see his name pop up on your phone. You don’t know what song he belts out as he drives with the window down and Bluetooth earpiece on. You don’t know what person he thinks is a complete muppet. You don’t hear the word muppet anymore. You never have to put the toilet seat down.

You begin to wonder if you dreamed the whole thing up.

The waves now wash over you once every…

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Love, Despite

This is for me and you. I was being really angry with you before just because I was tired after work and did not come kiss and hug you and you thought I did not love you anymore. We need to re-read this one to remind us about what love is and why we are still together even though sometimes life is hard and we seem unloveable :P But I love you still. And nothing can change it!!!

Tell It Slant Mama

 Before I married my husband, I told him to make sure that he was marrying me for who I was that day, and not for any future changes he hoped to have wrought in me through the “transforming” power of marriage. Though we were both young, I had seen enough unhappy marriages to make me wary of the institution, and who wants to be institutionalized, really?  I had no question that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I wanted us to start off with as little illusion as possible.  I wanted to know that he saw me, and not some airbrushed version of a girl to be placed on a pedestal.  It is easy to fall in love if you believe all the fairy tales and movies.  Beautiful women with flowing hair and flawless skin meet muscled men with pure hearts and chivalrous intentions and they ride off to his manor with servants aplenty…

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What am I afraid of?

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. I’m lying here with the phone in my hand and my mind is messed up with hundred if questions I couldn’t answer. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life here. I don’t know if I’m happy or miserable. I feel like I don’t feel anymore. I don’t know what stage in life I have reached. I don’t know if I’m in love or I’m pushing myself into it unconsciously and involuntarily.
I feel like a fool. Oh, I’ve been a fool before and got my heart broken but it was different to this time. I’m 23 and still dreaming that Prince Charming exists. Ha, it’s hilarious, you must think. Life is not a fairy tale and thing that disappoints me the most was that the more I tried to be faithful and honest, the more ridiculous the situation became. So, what’s the fucking point of keeping trying when you already know that it’s not gonna work? Maybe deep inside me, I still have that little hope fairy takes can happen, one day, to the ones who wait long enough. Am I wrong here? They never happen, don’t they? And they never have anyway.
Look back at everything that has happened lately, I realized that maybe everything I think and feel is just illusion. I deluded myself into a fantasy world where love and faithfulness exist. Sometimes I ask myself if what I’m getting out of this relationship worth my effort, my time and even my tears. I shouldn’t have cried that much. I should have been more happy and enjoy these years of youth without having to worry about anything. Yes, I feel like a fool right now for always being nice and caring. I should have been a careless reckless bitch and got the best man in this whole fucking world. But I preferred to be nice and see what I’ve got? Nothing but disappointment and lies.
Lying here tonight looking back at my life, u questioned myself where all my dreams have gone? Where did they go? Did they just evaporate and disappear into nothing? My beautiful endless dreams I once had and now I’m not dreaming anymore. I used to draw, and sing, and read all the time and what I’m doing right now? I’m doing nothing that makes me happy.
What am I afraid of? Life happens everyday and sometimes shit happens too. I’ve always tried to be positive and always looked at the bright side of things but then I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being lonely, of being left out, of being forgotten and unloved. Are they the reasons I’ve always chased after things I don’t actually want? Because I’m afraid of loneliness? What can a 23-year-old girl in my situation do? I don’t know. There’s not a single clue.
I once wrote on a friend’s FB page on his birthday to wish his nice life with adventures and told him to live his life to the fullest. That’s what I always want to do too: living my life to the fullest. And now, after everything that happened, I don’t see any destination I wanna go to. I no longer see myself as a girl with songs and flowers in her heart and stars in her eyes. I thought it was a part of growing up but then I realize it wasn’t. I’ve just been so wrong and blind that I didn’t see my path in life, the path that I want to go, not the one I’m destined to.
Maybe I need sometime off and think about what to do next. I’m exhausted. But people say life is good and this little hope in me will never die. I believe in tomorrow. I believe one day I’ll be love truly and wholeheartedly. I still believe so.
Don’t be afraid, little girl! You’ll be fine. Live the life you want the way you want.
Life is too short to be heartbroken for so long.
If you need to move on, do it. It’s not your fault if people lie to you or betray you. One day, you’ll find someone you can trust and love forever.
And live your life to the fullest. When I’m old and grey, I want to look back at my life and smile because I know that I’ve had a life worth living.
What are you afraid of?

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