“do you ever just smell an old perfume, or hear an old song, or pass an old hangout spot and kinda break inside for a couple minutes”…
This has actually made me cry today thinking about all the things we had and everything we did together. All the dreams, the jokes, the night we held each other so tight and I thought please God, please don’t seperate us because I want to be with this man for the rest of my life. Things don’t go so right at the moment and today he said something that broke my heart. It hurt so much when he said he would stop caring about me and everything related to me. I could clearly felt the physical pain inside my chest. My heart felt like it was crushed brutally and it hurt. It hurt so much that my tears started rolling down my cheeks.
We haven’t talked normally for a few days now. Every time we talked, we fought and both got exhausted. I’m not sure if we can get over the thing happened this time. I’m not sure if he still wants to be with me. I know I sound so pathetic and miserable but the truth is I was the one who started everything this time.
I don’t care about anything else. I just really miss him. The way he used to be. The way we used to be.
I just want to have a late night conversation with him, resting my head on his chest and remind him of all the wonderful moments we shared. Would he still remember them?
This time last year when we just moved in a new place and we went shopping for furniture at an outlet store. We pushed the trolley along the shelves full of discounted items and we were so happy when the bill was a lot smaller than we expected. We bought lots of things. Everything in our old kitchen. We considered between the two pans and eventually chose the one with higher price as we thought it had better quality. It was great. We were like a newly married couple preparing for our new lives.
I miss the night in that old room when we just moved in together and we held each other’s hands and promised the we would never spend a night without each other. There’s been so many nights I sleep alone afterwards but that is a beautiful promise we made when we were in love and I’ll never forget that.
I remember the evenings I cooked dinners and wait for him to come home. He was a kitchen hand at a restaurant at the time and he usually finished work really late. But I never had dinner myself. I always waited for him. I always waited for him to call saying that he was coming and I ran downstairs to unlock the door. I sneakily hid behind the door and when he came up, I surprised him and kissed him on his cheeks. Then we would have dinner together and went to bed together. I would never forget those days!
In those days, I did all the cookings, laundry and housework. I was happy to do so as I wanted him to be fed, to be loved, to be happy. I love him the way a traditional woman loves her man. It was wonderful. I miss being such a lovely hardworking woman rushing around the kitchen cooking the favourite dish for her man.
We had no money back then. We struggled with the rent, the bills, the petrol, etc. but we were happy. And he loved me. I was the woman of his dream. He wanted to marry me. He said he’d never met anyone who was so dedicated and truthful. He wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. We promised that if we couldn’t get married to each other, we would never marry anyone our whole lives. Were we too naïve??? We might be but who cares, we were in love!
There are so many more stories I want to tell. There are moments when I felt I only needed you to be mine and my life would be complete. I’ll write them down so one day when I’m old and forgetful, I’ll read them again to be sure that I had loved someone that much.
Do you remember him? We used to call him our son and name him “Little Shrimp”. And we wanted to name our daughter “Pancake”, didn’t we? That was so sweet. It warms up my heart every time I think about when we were together and the dream of a happy family we wanted to build.
It breaks me a little every time I think of these things…
I miss you.
I miss us.