What am I afraid of?

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning. I’m lying here with the phone in my hand and my mind is messed up with hundred if questions I couldn’t answer. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life here. I don’t know if I’m happy or miserable. I feel like I don’t feel anymore. I don’t know what stage in life I have reached. I don’t know if I’m in love or I’m pushing myself into it unconsciously and involuntarily.
I feel like a fool. Oh, I’ve been a fool before and got my heart broken but it was different to this time. I’m 23 and still dreaming that Prince Charming exists. Ha, it’s hilarious, you must think. Life is not a fairy tale and thing that disappoints me the most was that the more I tried to be faithful and honest, the more ridiculous the situation became. So, what’s the fucking point of keeping trying when you already know that it’s not gonna work? Maybe deep inside me, I still have that little hope fairy takes can happen, one day, to the ones who wait long enough. Am I wrong here? They never happen, don’t they? And they never have anyway.
Look back at everything that has happened lately, I realized that maybe everything I think and feel is just illusion. I deluded myself into a fantasy world where love and faithfulness exist. Sometimes I ask myself if what I’m getting out of this relationship worth my effort, my time and even my tears. I shouldn’t have cried that much. I should have been more happy and enjoy these years of youth without having to worry about anything. Yes, I feel like a fool right now for always being nice and caring. I should have been a careless reckless bitch and got the best man in this whole fucking world. But I preferred to be nice and see what I’ve got? Nothing but disappointment and lies.
Lying here tonight looking back at my life, u questioned myself where all my dreams have gone? Where did they go? Did they just evaporate and disappear into nothing? My beautiful endless dreams I once had and now I’m not dreaming anymore. I used to draw, and sing, and read all the time and what I’m doing right now? I’m doing nothing that makes me happy.
What am I afraid of? Life happens everyday and sometimes shit happens too. I’ve always tried to be positive and always looked at the bright side of things but then I’m afraid. I’m afraid of being lonely, of being left out, of being forgotten and unloved. Are they the reasons I’ve always chased after things I don’t actually want? Because I’m afraid of loneliness? What can a 23-year-old girl in my situation do? I don’t know. There’s not a single clue.
I once wrote on a friend’s FB page on his birthday to wish his nice life with adventures and told him to live his life to the fullest. That’s what I always want to do too: living my life to the fullest. And now, after everything that happened, I don’t see any destination I wanna go to. I no longer see myself as a girl with songs and flowers in her heart and stars in her eyes. I thought it was a part of growing up but then I realize it wasn’t. I’ve just been so wrong and blind that I didn’t see my path in life, the path that I want to go, not the one I’m destined to.
Maybe I need sometime off and think about what to do next. I’m exhausted. But people say life is good and this little hope in me will never die. I believe in tomorrow. I believe one day I’ll be love truly and wholeheartedly. I still believe so.
Don’t be afraid, little girl! You’ll be fine. Live the life you want the way you want.
Life is too short to be heartbroken for so long.
If you need to move on, do it. It’s not your fault if people lie to you or betray you. One day, you’ll find someone you can trust and love forever.
And live your life to the fullest. When I’m old and grey, I want to look back at my life and smile because I know that I’ve had a life worth living.
What are you afraid of?



We’ll remember us, won’t we?


This one time I painted a living room with a girl.

This was a handful of years back. It was about eight months before the huge, flame-out of a breakup. That day, though? That day we painted the living room? It was pretty uneventful. We painted my parents living room for $50 between us and a pizza. That was it. I think we watched Anchorman or something after that.

But it still holds as on of the most indelible memories I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still in love, it happened, it was good, it ended, and we’ve both moved on. But I’ll never forget that day. Because it’s never, in the long run, about the grand gestures. You can fly across the world and show up on her doorstep with a rose in your teeth and a ring in a little velvet box but I can guarantee you that – more often than not – she’s going to remember the time you built the birdhouse in the back yard, or what have you, a whole lot more.

Life wasn’t meant to be taken in large movements. The next day will inevitably arrive, you’ll sleep, and the moment will have passed. But when you have a hundred thousand small moments, you can step back and appreciate the picture a lot more than metaphorically blowing your load on some grand moment that, in all honesty, look, you’re not Bruce Fucking Springsteen, you’re not going to be able to blow everyone’s mind every single night. You’re not Romeo and/or Juliet. There’s no reason to drink the poison together in some flame-out gesture. So that leaves us with the small stuff. It’s all about the detail.

That’s what love is. Attention to detail.

And the moment will end. And then things will get boring. And it might get a little quiet. And it might all end horribly. And you might hate each other at the end. And you might walk away from each other one day and never speak again. But that’s just how it goes.

But she’ll remember the time you held the door open for her on your first date.
She’ll remember the time you laughed at her impression of the landlady.
She’ll remember the time you stayed up all night that first time.
She’ll remember the small things a lot longer than the big ones.

But everything ends. And I’ll tell you why you have to make the small things, the small moments count so much more:

One day, probably a while longer from now, when old age takes ahold of someone, she might just only remember your smile. Everything you ever did together, every second, every moment, every beat, every morning spent in bed, every evening spent together on the sofa, all of that – gone. Everything you ever did will be reduced to the head of a pin. She won’t remember your name. She’ll just remember your smile, and she’ll smile. She won’t know why. It’s a base, gut reaction. But she’ll smile, uncontrollably, and it will come from somewhere so deep as to know that you touched her on a primal, honest, and true level that no scientist, scholar, or savant could ever begin to explain. There is no more. There is nothing else. There is just this: She’ll remember your smile, and she’ll smile.

And you know what? That’s all that really matters in the end.

Source: Tumblr



I’m fucked up tonight. Don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to do.

It’s 1:22 in the morning. It’s a Sunday.

The wind is whining outside. It’s cold and dark.

I don’t know what to do and what to feel anymore. It seems like my life has turned into a mess now and there’s no way to save it.

Just burned out the last cigarette. A night that I won’t forget.

There’s still a bit of wine in the bottle. I wanna be drunk to forget about everything. I’m totally burned out. Tired. Fucked up.

Tomorrow maybe another day but in this very moment, I never want the morning to come. What’s wrong with me?  I used to be a different person. I wish I could be so innocent, happy and excited like I was before.

Was this the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life?

I don’t even wanna think about it.

Listening to Lana Del Rey’s “National Anthem”. Wish I could be somebody’s national anthem.

Wish one day I could say out loud that:

“Tell me I’m your national anthem.

Summer’s in the air.

Baby, heaven’s in your eyes…”

From when I started becoming this person? I don’t even know what I want. what I need in life.

I can’t trust anybody and tonight I felt like I’ve just lost something precious, someone precious that I should definitely keep in my life.

It’s too late now, I know. When the dawn comes, when he wakes up, we’ll become two strangers, like before. And it’ll be dark and lonely again.

I want the morning would never come. I don’t want to say goodbye to this person. It’s too late for anything to be said or done. I just regret that I didn’t see the person who he really was and I didn’t treat him the way he should be treated. Yes, I was a liar. I was a fucking cheater. Whatever I say or do now, it won’t matter any more. He said I’ll meet someone better, someone I’ll give my whole heart to and never lie to or cheat on. And he said he was not that one.

He’s sleeping silently on my bed, right next to me but it feels like he’s miles away. And he’ll be gone tomorrow when the morning comes. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Things happened so fast that I couldn’t even react to it.

I don’t know since when I became the person I am today. I wish we met a year before. I wish he showed me that there were someone loving me genuinely so I wouldn’t become the person I’m today, the person I disgusted. I wish I knew there were a person that cared for me that much that I’ll be able to open my heart to let him in without the fear of being betrayed.

It’s too late for anything to be said and done anyway.

Should I just come back with the life I was living? The life of parties, of finding temporary joy in drinking, of one-night-stands, of men that come and go after one night. I gave up looking for a love that lasts a lifetime and it came when I expected it the least. Maybe it’s destiny. Maybe this time life taught me a lesson. A lesson of give and take. And it also reminds me of my ultimate dream of having a family of my own with a man who loves me wholeheartedly and our beautiful kids. A dream that has long been forgotten due to so many heartbreaks and too much expectation and disappointment.

I’ll remember this.

Tonight and all that happened.

What will happen tomorrow when we wake up? How will I feel?

I’m scared. I’m lost.


Sometimes all that I want is to be kissed but…

I came home this afternoon. Totally worn out. I don’t know what feeling I’m having right now.

I know I don’t matter to you. I already knew it from the beginning when we started going out. Who am I to you? I don’t even know.

And tonight, sitting alone in my room, I felt sorry for myself. I never feel sorry for myself but tonight I did. Why did I do that? I didn’t know. Somebody says “Only assholes feel sorry for themselves”. I used to agree with that person and never feel sorry for myself. But tonight I did. And then I thought “Why does this thing keep happening to me? Do I not deserve to be with someone and be happy?”. I’ve been asking myself those questions so many times and never found the answer. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t be like other normal girls, having a normal relationship and be happy with someone. I never ask for too much, I can be happy with simple things. A simple relationship, in which I can love and trust somebody totally with my whole heart knowing that I’m loved and protected. Someone I can talk to,open up my soul to, let them into my spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… Is that too much to ask for?

Sometimes when we are together, I feel like we are only two buddies hanging out with each other and cure each other from our boredom. I’ve never felt loved by you. And it’s not easy, being with someone like that.

From the beginning, I already knew that our relationship will not lead to anything. There will be no future for us. It’s because you decided so and I didn’t know why I decided to carry on seeing you even though to me, it’s so obvious that I’ll get hurt (again) later on and that was the last thing on earth I wanted to happen.

You said you didn’t want a long term relationship. You didn’t believe in marriage. You didn’t want kids. But I wanted all of those things. We are too different. We are supposed to go on two separate ways. And even now, when you call me your girlfriend, we are still not heading towards the same direction. Sometimes I feel like you only hang out with me because you think I’m smart and interesting, not because you truly like the person who I am, with all the fears and insecurities I’ve been bearing.

My heart was wrenched with confusion. I knew that day will come, sooner or later. The day that we say goodbye to each other and erase each other out of our lives. I’ve been there, done that and it hurt like hell but I thought maybe in the second time, I’ll feel nothing. But then I realized that it’ll hurt. I’ll always hurt.

One day, we’ll never see each other again and we’ll basically be strangers. And all the memories, the moments, the things that we have together, we do together will become meaningless. And it hurts so badly not because I put too much expectation in our relationship and hope things will work out at the end. It hurts because I think of the fragileness of our fates, of the lives we’re living in. One second we’re lovers, lying naked next to each other, breathing the same air in the same room. A second later, we don’t even care if the other one is dead or alive.

You said you were sorry because you can’t fulfill what I want out of our relationship (a long-term committed relationship, marriage, kids, etc). I said it was fine. It was just that we met at the wrong time. But it hurt because everyone I met, including you was at a wrong time and I’m so tired of trying, putting myself out there then get hurt.

I don’t know if you still want to see me tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel like your work or your dogs matter to you more than I do. It’s fine. We’re basically just strangers anyway. i haven’t known you for a very long time. I wish I could but you said you didn’t want a long-term thing so I dare not let myself dive in too deeply. I’ll be the one who gets hurt at the end. I don’t want that to happen.

I just wanted to be in a normal relationship like many other people. I just wanted to be kissed every morning when I wake up and be told that how much I was loved. It’ll never happen with you I bet.

And I realize that we rarely kiss.

Because I’m too shy to ask.

And you never do it naturally

Because you don’t love me.


A morning like any other mornings

Wednesday morning. A lazy morning I can sleep in or simply just stay in bed listening to music or doing nothing. And today I have a dog lying quietly next to me. It’s nice and warm in the room. I can hear Ruby breathing and her little snores. She starts listening to me and following what I say to her. It’s extremely amazing. I would never imagine I’d be so close with a dog like this. Never. Not even in my dream. But everything has changed. We like each other quite a bit. She’s cute and always been a good girl.
Lying here with 2 dogs and a person I’ve only known for a couple of weeks but I’m feeling totally safe and relaxed. It seems like we’ve been together forever and we’ll be together like this for the rest of our lives. It’s a strange situation. A situation I never thought I’ve been caught up into but look at me, here I am, in bed at a strange place with a person I hardly know. But there’s something about him that keeps me stay. His genuinity. The stories about his childhood and his father. I don’t think he likes him a lot, probably for the fact that his dad didn’t fulfill the role of a father. There are many more things he told me. I truly want to be his friend. I don’t know why. I’m not saying I feel sorry for him. There’s no point of feeling sorry for others if you can’t do anything to make things better. And he’ll surely hate me if I say I’m feeling sorry for him. No I don’t feel sorry for him. Somehow I just wanna be with him and listen to him and let him know that I understand, that he’s not alone, that he’s a fine person and he’ll be alright. That’s all I wanna do. I have no expectations for our relationship, at least for now. And I’m still happy. It takes me awhile to realize that life is not a fairy tale and sometimes the people you trust and love with your whole heart can still hurt you. So now I’ll just go with the flow. Whatever will be will be. If it’s meant to happen, it’ll one day. Live for the moment and enjoy the happiness it brings. It doesn’t mean that I give up on loving someone truly, deeply, madly. I will, when the time is right.
A strange fate.
Unexpected people popped up in my life.
I never know what’s going to happen and neither do you, right?
A silent night.
A doco movie.
A back rub.
A little touch.
A little kiss.
And life goes on. But the moments remain.
One day, years from now, I may not even remember his face and the way he looks but I’ll surely remember his little bedroom upon the attic with 2 window and 2 dogs lying lazily on bed. I’ll remember the messy floor with piles of laundry and beer bottles. The cold breezes in the morning. Birds are chirping outside the windows. A quiet morning when I was 22 and still a university student. I was wearing his tshirt with a naked girl printed on it. I’ll take a good look of everything here and make sure they stay with me forever.
An unnamed relationship.
A ginger guy with the most adorable hair color in the world.
The little dogs.

He has an appointment with doctor this morning at 9 and told me he’ll be back with me at 10. He told me that I can just sleep in and wait for him. I smiled and nodded. And I was happy but didn’t know why.
I don’t even know what we’ll be doing after.
I don’t want to know either.
It’ll be a surprise and as time goes by, I start liking surprises.
He’ll be back with me at 10.
I’ll wait for him :)



Just some thoughts

It has been nearly 3 months since my last entry on here. I’ve been really busy and literally flat out. I’m having school holiday at the moment, which gives me good chance to have some rest (I’m having too much rest actually lol) and catch up on something I did not have time for during the semester. I’m coming to uni to pick up the results for all the papers in semester one on Monday and meeting up with a friend for a movie and lunch on the same day. Then my uncle and cousin’s birthday party on Saturday. Maybe some drinking and clubbing after. Working in the between. I’ve been partying and drinking a lot since the holiday started. It was about 3 weeks ago. I went out EVERY weekend, got drunk then got home extremely tired and all I did during the week was lying on my bed all day watching movies and eating junk food. I was so bad. I actually lost weight and did not know why I’ve gotten lighter. It’s good though because my clothes and dresses now fit me better and I look better too. can’t wait to go clubbing this weekend or next weekend to try on all the bodycon dresses I’ve been hiding at the bottom of my wardrobe as I was getting chubby before. I tried them on yesterday and when looking at the mirror, I was like “Shit, I look sexy as f***. My body is like Scarlett Johansson’s!!” Haha. Funny!

I’ve been seeing some guys recently and I’m pretty attracted to one of them. He’s different. He doesn’t try to impress me or anything and he talks to me about everything, and he even told me about his past (even he only saw each other twice) that he was sentenced to prison for 3 years for dealing drugs and stuff like that. I was amazed by the fact that he’s into Buddhism and really interested in the religion philosophy and we get on pretty well. I just hesitate a bit for the fact that I’m not sure what he’s looking for in me. I mean, I don’t expect anything and I try not to put my hope too high but I’m confused if he only comes to see me for fun (which is quite likely to happen). I want to make things clear but then at the same time, I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to put him on the spot so the only thing I can do now is keep hanging out with him to see how things go. I don’t want a boyfriend right now anyway. I’m too tired of relationships and all the confusion and dramas they bring. I had enough. I’m happily single and it’s alright to have someone to talk to and have fun with occasionally *wink wink* lol. I don’t think he’s gonna be the love of my life whatsoever. We just need to be safe. That’s all! And when I talk about being safe, I mean “sexually safe” and for me, it could be “emotionally safe” too. It’s quite sad but I don’t think I know what I really want at the moment so I let things be and maybe one day, if I’m blessed enough, I’ll be able to figure out what I really want to be or what I really want to do for my life. Until then, I’m just living in the moment and enjoy whatever life brings me and be happy, of course.


I talked to mom tonight and told her how tired I am nowadays as I look at my life at the moment and do not see anything exciting or worth-living and I told her I wanted to go to Dubai to work. She was sad and worried knowing that I’m not happy, and lonely too as I don’t have my family here with me. She told me not to got to Dubai as I’ll end up being all alone with no family or friends and she asked if I considered going to Sweden instead. My aunty and uncle can help me out if I go over there. Then we talked and talked and I realized that we haven’t got such a sincere open conversation in a very long time. I always thought she would never be able to understand what I’ve been through and what thoughts I’ve had on my mind but it turns out that she always knows. She knows and understands everything. The thing is she doesn’t know what to do to help me out because we lives too far away from each other and of course, it’s my life and I have to live it myself. I always thought there was an invisible great generation barrier between us so that I rarely disclosed to her. To me, there was no point talking to someone who did not comprehend because it would be just a waste of time. I was wrong. It was my personality. I always keep things for myself only and never reveal anything to other people. I have no soul mates. Not everybody has a soul mate anyway. Soul mates are rare. As I grow older, I realize that my mom is a woman too and she knows and she feels the things that a woman feels. She’s been there and done things that I’ve been going through at the moment. We are women and even though I never told her about all the guys I dated or slept with, she always knows that I’m a sensitive fragile girl who’s not as strong as I look. She cares for me. She worries for me. She wishes all the best for me. I’m so blessed. Having such an open sincere conversation like that with my mom is a wonderful thing that not everybody is lucky enough to experience. She knows that I want to travel to explore but she also tells me to set aside some space in my heart for family, that one day when I want to settle down and have my own family, I’ll be ready and happy.


I wish that we talked more and spent more time together. I wish that it did not take me all those years living far away from her to realize that she’s a special irreplaceable person in my life. Anyway, it’s better late than never. I’m so blessed to be your daughter and to have all the love that you always give me.

I love you!



Is it still me…

Is it still me that makes you sweat?

Am I who you think about in bed?

I may have already become nothing. Not even a memory.

The nights are getting colder. Winter is coming.

I miss the warmth you used to give me.

It feels better than any blanket or scarf.

It’s raining outside.

My late night thoughts…