It has been nearly 3 months since my last entry on here. I’ve been really busy and literally flat out. I’m having school holiday at the moment, which gives me good chance to have some rest (I’m having too much rest actually lol) and catch up on something I did not have time for during the semester. I’m coming to uni to pick up the results for all the papers in semester one on Monday and meeting up with a friend for a movie and lunch on the same day. Then my uncle and cousin’s birthday party on Saturday. Maybe some drinking and clubbing after. Working in the between. I’ve been partying and drinking a lot since the holiday started. It was about 3 weeks ago. I went out EVERY weekend, got drunk then got home extremely tired and all I did during the week was lying on my bed all day watching movies and eating junk food. I was so bad. I actually lost weight and did not know why I’ve gotten lighter. It’s good though because my clothes and dresses now fit me better and I look better too. can’t wait to go clubbing this weekend or next weekend to try on all the bodycon dresses I’ve been hiding at the bottom of my wardrobe as I was getting chubby before. I tried them on yesterday and when looking at the mirror, I was like “Shit, I look sexy as f***. My body is like Scarlett Johansson’s!!” Haha. Funny!
I’ve been seeing some guys recently and I’m pretty attracted to one of them. He’s different. He doesn’t try to impress me or anything and he talks to me about everything, and he even told me about his past (even he only saw each other twice) that he was sentenced to prison for 3 years for dealing drugs and stuff like that. I was amazed by the fact that he’s into Buddhism and really interested in the religion philosophy and we get on pretty well. I just hesitate a bit for the fact that I’m not sure what he’s looking for in me. I mean, I don’t expect anything and I try not to put my hope too high but I’m confused if he only comes to see me for fun (which is quite likely to happen). I want to make things clear but then at the same time, I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to put him on the spot so the only thing I can do now is keep hanging out with him to see how things go. I don’t want a boyfriend right now anyway. I’m too tired of relationships and all the confusion and dramas they bring. I had enough. I’m happily single and it’s alright to have someone to talk to and have fun with occasionally *wink wink* lol. I don’t think he’s gonna be the love of my life whatsoever. We just need to be safe. That’s all! And when I talk about being safe, I mean “sexually safe” and for me, it could be “emotionally safe” too. It’s quite sad but I don’t think I know what I really want at the moment so I let things be and maybe one day, if I’m blessed enough, I’ll be able to figure out what I really want to be or what I really want to do for my life. Until then, I’m just living in the moment and enjoy whatever life brings me and be happy, of course.
I talked to mom tonight and told her how tired I am nowadays as I look at my life at the moment and do not see anything exciting or worth-living and I told her I wanted to go to Dubai to work. She was sad and worried knowing that I’m not happy, and lonely too as I don’t have my family here with me. She told me not to got to Dubai as I’ll end up being all alone with no family or friends and she asked if I considered going to Sweden instead. My aunty and uncle can help me out if I go over there. Then we talked and talked and I realized that we haven’t got such a sincere open conversation in a very long time. I always thought she would never be able to understand what I’ve been through and what thoughts I’ve had on my mind but it turns out that she always knows. She knows and understands everything. The thing is she doesn’t know what to do to help me out because we lives too far away from each other and of course, it’s my life and I have to live it myself. I always thought there was an invisible great generation barrier between us so that I rarely disclosed to her. To me, there was no point talking to someone who did not comprehend because it would be just a waste of time. I was wrong. It was my personality. I always keep things for myself only and never reveal anything to other people. I have no soul mates. Not everybody has a soul mate anyway. Soul mates are rare. As I grow older, I realize that my mom is a woman too and she knows and she feels the things that a woman feels. She’s been there and done things that I’ve been going through at the moment. We are women and even though I never told her about all the guys I dated or slept with, she always knows that I’m a sensitive fragile girl who’s not as strong as I look. She cares for me. She worries for me. She wishes all the best for me. I’m so blessed. Having such an open sincere conversation like that with my mom is a wonderful thing that not everybody is lucky enough to experience. She knows that I want to travel to explore but she also tells me to set aside some space in my heart for family, that one day when I want to settle down and have my own family, I’ll be ready and happy.
I wish that we talked more and spent more time together. I wish that it did not take me all those years living far away from her to realize that she’s a special irreplaceable person in my life. Anyway, it’s better late than never. I’m so blessed to be your daughter and to have all the love that you always give me.
I love you!