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Guesses & Dreams

chubbylucy:

Yes, I wished you were mine.
I know that my wishes would never come true.
I’m not bitter anymore. I want you to be happy. I’m just sad when I think of all the “what-if”, of all the things we could have had if we tried a little harder…

Originally posted on Coco J. Ginger Says:

Coco J. GingerI guess I’m not your baby,
I guess I’m not the one.
I guess I’m not your lobster bisque, your penguin kiss—
The one you fall asleep with on the phone.
I guess I’m not your fairy tale,
Your Princess Bride, your Sleeping Beauty.
I guess I’m not ‘The End’ to
Your Happily Ever ending.

View original 106 more words

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My baby shot me down

Found this version on YouTube and instantly felt in love with it.

Now he’s gone I don’t know why
Until this day, sometimes I cry
He didn’t even say goodbye
He didn’t take the time to lie

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

Listening to this physically hurts me. My heart aches with the flow of the lyrics. It feels like I was literally shot, by an invisible force. It feels like I would never be happy again. Suffering. Only suffering.
That awful sound.
It was only a game to him. And I was always the loser.
He shot me down.
I hit the ground.
I got hurt.
But I can’t stop playing.
Because somewhere deep down inside me, I had the little hope that someday, it would become something more than a game.
I was wrong. I would never win. I would always be the one who hits the ground.
That awful sound.
My baby shot me down.
I thought it would be quick and painless.
Bang. The end.
But it’s not.
My baby.
Yes, he shot me down.
bang
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My trip to the Navy Museum

I went to the Navy Museum on Wednesday to ask for permission to do our filming for the interview there. It’s a part of the assignment for one of my papers at university called Media Production Workshop. I caught the early ferry to Devonport from Auckland town and had a good time wandering around and exploring the area.

Shoes

So here we go. My photo diary begins with my lovely leather shoe. Quite a good start, right? Waiting for the ferry, which comes every 15 minutes. Breathing in and out the fresh air in the early morning. Listening to the sea. Looking at people rushing to their work places and wondering what the purpose of living is. What a weirdo! Lol.

ferry building

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tada

Having some breakfast before the museum opened. I arrived too early and had to wait for like more than half and hour before I could step in.

And this is what it looked like inside the museum.

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naval

navyy

inside

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old

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uniform

vn war

ship

nzz

medals

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kids

bigg

Lovely view outside the museum too. I would love to live in this neighborhood. It’s a super glamorous expensive area though.

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devon

house

Found an old bookstore at the ferry station on the way back. I can stay in places like this all day.

bookstore

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And then back to Auckland, had a coffee then headed to the group meeting. Nice trip and wonderful experience I collected that day :)

wave

auck

starbuck

Life is full of beauties, even from the littlest things. I’m trying to keep myself busy to experience, to explore and to live my life to the fullest. Do you believe in serendipity? I do. And I believe that what is meant to be will always finds its way. Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason!

 

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Devonport – my little trip and things I learnt

I’ve been sick. I’ve had a cold and God, it feels terrible. I hate it when I’m sick and my mind can’t function properly and I can’t do anything while I have tons of things to do. To be honest, I’m kind of making excuses to have some rest. I can still work and write and do things but I just don’t want to because my body aches and I just want to have a break, lie on bed all day doing nothing. I was sent home today from work as I was coughing and obviously they didn’t want me to spread the disease around. So I went home on a cab(it doesn’t happen very often), stayed in the room re-watching the movie “The Lover”, wept for awhile then fell asleep. It was a peaceful day. I haven’t had days like that for a very long time. Always running, rushing and tiring myself out. Being sick is good sometimes. The only thing that sucks is I don’t have my mom here to take care of me. I’m craving for the food she makes and her gentleness she had towards me every time she took care of me when I was sick.

I went out with a friend yesterday to Devonport beach and we had a very good time together. I’ve known him for a couple of months and he’s always been nice and caring to me. We’ve been talking and sometimes going out on his bike. It’s fun. Don’t get me wrong. He’s just a friend. In fact, he’s getting married at the end of this year. Our relationship is pure friendship and I feel comfortable telling him things that I don’t normally tell other people.

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The last time I went to the beach was with him. It was after the Christmas holiday. He was away for 2 weeks and after that he came to pick me up and drove me to the beach to see the sunset (Actually we couldn’t see the sunset on that day because we went to a beach on the eastern coast and obviously, the sun only sets in the western coast. Well, I don’t wanna remember that Christmas holiday because something he did was horrible but anyway, everything is over now and I don’t care). So yesterday, walking on the beach reminded me of the moments with him and I thought to myself: We never know what will happen. The last time I went to the beach, I was totally happy and cheerful and I trusted someone but this time at the beach, I knew that I was lied to the whole time and I was upset and heartbroken. Then I closed my eyes, let the wind blow away all the worries and sadness I was carrying in my mind. I breathed. I inhaled deeply the smell of the ocean, the wind, of the sunset, of the sky with its incredible colors.

In that moment, I wish i could turn into a seagull and spread my wings to fly across the sky.

A seagull will never know sadness. A seagull only knows the sky, the wind and the freedom.

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We went to a bar across the road and had some red wine. We talked about many things but mostly, we talked about me and how I felt after those 2 weeks. I confessed that I was still thinking a lot about what happened and how insecure I felt as I felt like I was never good enough. I didn’t have nice house, nice car, good job and all of that bullshit (I know it’s total bullshit and it has nothing to do with a relationship. Or maybe it does and I was so naive not to realize). And then he said “But you’re only 22 and you have a bright future ahead and why do you have to compare yourself with someone? Don’t ever do that. Just wait and see who you will become in 10 years. I’m sure you’ll be a fine woman because you’re hard working. You always work. And you’re kind also”. He also told me not to turn into a lesbian just because I was heartbroken and I laughed so hard. I never laughed so hard in my entire life. No, no way. I’m not gonna turn into a lesbian, not in a thousand years. I just need time to find the balance and to be ready again. We even talked about sex and I was surprised that I told him all the private things that I would surely never tell anybody else in such a open comfortable way. I knew that he understood and when he said anything, he actually meant it. It felt so good to have a friend to talk to in that situation when the only thing I wanted to do was to open up to someone completely so i could feel relieved and free.

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wine

Having wine and taking to my friend made me feel slightly better. It made me realize that life is still exciting and full of possibilities. There will be a lot of joys and happiness in little things if I go and look for them. Missing is a part of moving on. This time I’m moving on and I mean it. Maybe in 10 years, I’ll be smiling when I re-read this post, the post written by my 22-year-old self who was still young and naive and sometimes insecure but always hopeful and optimistic. Yes, in 10 years. I don’t know who I will become but I’m sure that I’ll always stay kind and positive and never give up. And I believe that one day love will come and find me and it’ll never let me down. Everything happens for a reason. There will be happy endings. Keep believing and writing! One day I’ll have posts with the titles “Happy Ending” or “Ever ever after”.

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Le Bonheur

Happiness. I’ve been so upset during the last two weeks. I’ve been thinking, worrying, sometimes crying then asking myself why shitty things keep happening to me. I even thought that I might accidentally commit a serious crime so I am being punished by not being able to ever be happy again. Well, that’s bullshit, I know. I didn’t commit any crime nor hurt anybody. Only because shit happens. I want to get my positive spirit back as I move on with my life but it doesn’t seem easy. I’m trying anyway.

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This morning at the computer lab at uni, I was browsing through Facebook and saw a very touching message on one of the photos on “Human of New York” page. It’s one of my favorite pages on Facebook. If you don’t know about it yet, you definitely gotta check it out. So inspiring. I would love to go and do a job like that, taking people’s photos and asking them to tell their life stories and spread them to everybody. The story was about a woman who worked at the same cafe for 28 years but it just went off business so she had to find a new job. Before it was like she had a family. She saw the same people everyday but what she’s doing now is just a job and she said: “One day you lose something and you say: Oh my God, I was happy and I didn’t even know it”. The story made me think, quite hard. Which one is more important? The moments we have or the outcome at the end? How do we know that we’re happy right at the moment we’re in or we always have to wait till we lose them then realize that they were happiness but we didn’t know they existed. And then I thought to myself: Yes, what I had with him was happiness. Even it’s over now but I had it and I knew it and that’s what really matters. Even though things did not turn out nicely and perfectly but we shared moments that we will never forget and what more do I want? We all die at the end and out memories will turn into dust and spread away or fly across the sea and who cares what happens after? I don’t know. We never know. I only know that we were happy when we were together and even though we’re not together anymore, no one or nothing could ever erase those moments we had. I can’t have everything I want. I can’t have everybody I want. To be happy, I need to learn to give up and enjoy the moment that I’m in right now. I’ve been missing him and it hurts when I think about us not seeing each other anymore but I also know that I can do nothing to change what already happened. So I let it be. I let things be. Whatever will be will be. The only thing I want to do now is to be happy and enjoy every moment of every minute of every day that I’m blessed to have. I’m blessed to get up every morning knowing that I’m alive and it’s a new day waiting for me ahead. People come and go in my life. I can’t do anything. I’m not gonna beg them to stay just because I want them in my life. If they want to be with me, I would never have to beg.

So here I am. Still tiny but stronger, braver and ready than ever for new adventures.

Hope happiness will come and find me one day. Soon.

I know it will…

“I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn’t the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.”

- Clarissa Vaughn from the movie “The Hours” -

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#iammissingyouwithoutknowingwhy

I hate that I kinda miss you. I hate that we don’t talk anymore, and we’re basically strangers. I miss how you made me feel, cause those few weeks made me really happy. I hate that you’ve moved on. I hate that we don’t even keep in touch. I hate that we had all these plans, that will now be forgotten. I just hate it but I’m not sure if I wish I could go back and redo everything…

grth

We met at the wrong times. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot…

One day. Maybe.

Or maybe that day will never come.

A friend of mine told me that if it was meant to be it will work. If you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s meant to be. If it doesn’t, it wasn’t the one. He said I still have time to be my best self and to be swept off my feet. Maybe he’s right. Maybe now it’s time for me to love myself a little more. I just hate it when I think about us and how we could be if we were still together. But it’s the past now. You’re my past and I’m your past. You’ve moved on so I can’t cling onto what happened and forget about what is actually happening right now.

Goodbye my midnight cuddle.

Goodbye my sweet text.

You used to make smile. A lot. I miss that so much but now I have to find reasons to smile again, and this time, without you.