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Just some thoughts

It has been nearly 3 months since my last entry on here. I’ve been really busy and literally flat out. I’m having school holiday at the moment, which gives me good chance to have some rest (I’m having too much rest actually lol) and catch up on something I did not have time for during the semester. I’m coming to uni to pick up the results for all the papers in semester one on Monday and meeting up with a friend for a movie and lunch on the same day. Then my uncle and cousin’s birthday party on Saturday. Maybe some drinking and clubbing after. Working in the between. I’ve been partying and drinking a lot since the holiday started. It was about 3 weeks ago. I went out EVERY weekend, got drunk then got home extremely tired and all I did during the week was lying on my bed all day watching movies and eating junk food. I was so bad. I actually lost weight and did not know why I’ve gotten lighter. It’s good though because my clothes and dresses now fit me better and I look better too. can’t wait to go clubbing this weekend or next weekend to try on all the bodycon dresses I’ve been hiding at the bottom of my wardrobe as I was getting chubby before. I tried them on yesterday and when looking at the mirror, I was like “Shit, I look sexy as f***. My body is like Scarlett Johansson’s!!” Haha. Funny!

I’ve been seeing some guys recently and I’m pretty attracted to one of them. He’s different. He doesn’t try to impress me or anything and he talks to me about everything, and he even told me about his past (even he only saw each other twice) that he was sentenced to prison for 3 years for dealing drugs and stuff like that. I was amazed by the fact that he’s into Buddhism and really interested in the religion philosophy and we get on pretty well. I just hesitate a bit for the fact that I’m not sure what he’s looking for in me. I mean, I don’t expect anything and I try not to put my hope too high but I’m confused if he only comes to see me for fun (which is quite likely to happen). I want to make things clear but then at the same time, I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to put him on the spot so the only thing I can do now is keep hanging out with him to see how things go. I don’t want a boyfriend right now anyway. I’m too tired of relationships and all the confusion and dramas they bring. I had enough. I’m happily single and it’s alright to have someone to talk to and have fun with occasionally *wink wink* lol. I don’t think he’s gonna be the love of my life whatsoever. We just need to be safe. That’s all! And when I talk about being safe, I mean “sexually safe” and for me, it could be “emotionally safe” too. It’s quite sad but I don’t think I know what I really want at the moment so I let things be and maybe one day, if I’m blessed enough, I’ll be able to figure out what I really want to be or what I really want to do for my life. Until then, I’m just living in the moment and enjoy whatever life brings me and be happy, of course.

***

I talked to mom tonight and told her how tired I am nowadays as I look at my life at the moment and do not see anything exciting or worth-living and I told her I wanted to go to Dubai to work. She was sad and worried knowing that I’m not happy, and lonely too as I don’t have my family here with me. She told me not to got to Dubai as I’ll end up being all alone with no family or friends and she asked if I considered going to Sweden instead. My aunty and uncle can help me out if I go over there. Then we talked and talked and I realized that we haven’t got such a sincere open conversation in a very long time. I always thought she would never be able to understand what I’ve been through and what thoughts I’ve had on my mind but it turns out that she always knows. She knows and understands everything. The thing is she doesn’t know what to do to help me out because we lives too far away from each other and of course, it’s my life and I have to live it myself. I always thought there was an invisible great generation barrier between us so that I rarely disclosed to her. To me, there was no point talking to someone who did not comprehend because it would be just a waste of time. I was wrong. It was my personality. I always keep things for myself only and never reveal anything to other people. I have no soul mates. Not everybody has a soul mate anyway. Soul mates are rare. As I grow older, I realize that my mom is a woman too and she knows and she feels the things that a woman feels. She’s been there and done things that I’ve been going through at the moment. We are women and even though I never told her about all the guys I dated or slept with, she always knows that I’m a sensitive fragile girl who’s not as strong as I look. She cares for me. She worries for me. She wishes all the best for me. I’m so blessed. Having such an open sincere conversation like that with my mom is a wonderful thing that not everybody is lucky enough to experience. She knows that I want to travel to explore but she also tells me to set aside some space in my heart for family, that one day when I want to settle down and have my own family, I’ll be ready and happy.

mm

I wish that we talked more and spent more time together. I wish that it did not take me all those years living far away from her to realize that she’s a special irreplaceable person in my life. Anyway, it’s better late than never. I’m so blessed to be your daughter and to have all the love that you always give me.

I love you!

 

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Is it still me…

Is it still me that makes you sweat?

Am I who you think about in bed?

I may have already become nothing. Not even a memory.

The nights are getting colder. Winter is coming.

I miss the warmth you used to give me.

It feels better than any blanket or scarf.

It’s raining outside.

My late night thoughts…

bed

 

 

 

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Guesses & Dreams

chubbylucy:

Yes, I wished you were mine.
I know that my wishes would never come true.
I’m not bitter anymore. I want you to be happy. I’m just sad when I think of all the “what-if”, of all the things we could have had if we tried a little harder…

Originally posted on Coco J. Ginger Says:

Coco J. GingerI guess I’m not your baby,
I guess I’m not the one.
I guess I’m not your lobster bisque, your penguin kiss—
The one you fall asleep with on the phone.
I guess I’m not your fairy tale,
Your Princess Bride, your Sleeping Beauty.
I guess I’m not ‘The End’ to
Your Happily Ever ending.

View original 106 more words

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My baby shot me down

Found this version on YouTube and instantly felt in love with it.

Now he’s gone I don’t know why
Until this day, sometimes I cry
He didn’t even say goodbye
He didn’t take the time to lie

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

Listening to this physically hurts me. My heart aches with the flow of the lyrics. It feels like I was literally shot, by an invisible force. It feels like I would never be happy again. Suffering. Only suffering.
That awful sound.
It was only a game to him. And I was always the loser.
He shot me down.
I hit the ground.
I got hurt.
But I can’t stop playing.
Because somewhere deep down inside me, I had the little hope that someday, it would become something more than a game.
I was wrong. I would never win. I would always be the one who hits the ground.
That awful sound.
My baby shot me down.
I thought it would be quick and painless.
Bang. The end.
But it’s not.
My baby.
Yes, he shot me down.
bang
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My trip to the Navy Museum

I went to the Navy Museum on Wednesday to ask for permission to do our filming for the interview there. It’s a part of the assignment for one of my papers at university called Media Production Workshop. I caught the early ferry to Devonport from Auckland town and had a good time wandering around and exploring the area.

Shoes

So here we go. My photo diary begins with my lovely leather shoe. Quite a good start, right? Waiting for the ferry, which comes every 15 minutes. Breathing in and out the fresh air in the early morning. Listening to the sea. Looking at people rushing to their work places and wondering what the purpose of living is. What a weirdo! Lol.

ferry building

harbour

harbour2

tada

Having some breakfast before the museum opened. I arrived too early and had to wait for like more than half and hour before I could step in.

And this is what it looked like inside the museum.

navy museum

naval

navyy

inside

wall

old

canon

shipp

uniform

vn war

ship

nzz

medals

shipphoto

kids

bigg

Lovely view outside the museum too. I would love to live in this neighborhood. It’s a super glamorous expensive area though.

anchor

devon

house

Found an old bookstore at the ferry station on the way back. I can stay in places like this all day.

bookstore

bookstore1

bookstore2

And then back to Auckland, had a coffee then headed to the group meeting. Nice trip and wonderful experience I collected that day :)

wave

auck

starbuck

Life is full of beauties, even from the littlest things. I’m trying to keep myself busy to experience, to explore and to live my life to the fullest. Do you believe in serendipity? I do. And I believe that what is meant to be will always finds its way. Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason!